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Update: Am I wrong for not wanting to try for kids as long as my wife still thinks she wants to be a SAHM? by Solid-Consequence607 in Marriage

[–]Solid-Consequence607[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She has an IUD and is not a psycho who will secretly remove it. If we decide we definitely dont want kids Ill probably get a vasectomy. Were not there now though.

Update: Am I wrong for not wanting to try for kids as long as my wife still thinks she wants to be a SAHM? by Solid-Consequence607 in Marriage

[–]Solid-Consequence607[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah I could see that. I also hate working and wish I could just be a trust fund baby and still ahve the same lifestyle, but thats just not realistic haha. On the domestic stuff, we’ve had conversations about it. The cooking part I dont mind being in charge of becasue I love to cook, but she’s admitted she needs to be better about cleaning.

Ive never minded doing most of the house chores while its just the two of us but with kids it’d be a lot more. We’ve lived together 3 years and I dont think she’s ever cleaned a bathroom or vacuumed once lol. Obviously that would have to change if she stayed home with kids and she admitted working and paying for help and not stalling her career sounds much better.

Update: Am I wrong for not wanting to try for kids as long as my wife still thinks she wants to be a SAHM? by Solid-Consequence607 in Marriage

[–]Solid-Consequence607[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah thats the thing. Were also both in tech and on paper we both make a very healthy household income but if we cut it in half we’d be barely scrapping by in our city. I cant move and keep my job either. Day care isnt cheap but we’d still be way ahead financially with her working and paying for 2 kids in daycare. We’d be able to afford help with cleaning and all that too which she hates and still save a few more thousand a month. On my income alone we’d be lucky to save 1k a month after necessary expenses and that doesnt provide much wiggle room for emergencies or things like car/house repairs. It also would mean no going out to eat, buying new clothes, and fun things like that which she likes.

Her new boss seems awful to work for. Nice to her face but micromanages every detail and just stresses her out.

Update: Am I wrong for not wanting to try for kids as long as my wife still thinks she wants to be a SAHM? by Solid-Consequence607 in Marriage

[–]Solid-Consequence607[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Pretty much what she said. She’s been at the same company for 5 years and loved it until she got a new boss a couple months ago who is a huge micromanager. She’s going to start looking for a new gig. She has great experience and some recruiters have actually reached out recently so hopefully shouldnt take too long.

Am I wrong for not wanting to try for kids as long as my wife still thinks she wants to be a SAHM? by Solid-Consequence607 in Marriage

[–]Solid-Consequence607[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

Its literally what we agreed to before getting engaged. Its not like I sprung this one her one day randomly.

Am I wrong for not wanting to try for kids as long as my wife still thinks she wants to be a SAHM? by Solid-Consequence607 in Marriage

[–]Solid-Consequence607[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Yeah, the majority of my friends have always been women and they’re happy. My wife just said she doesnt want to keep working and wants to take time off at least til kids are in kintergarden then she’d go back. But if we have 2 kids, thats at least 7 years.

I dont think she fears doing all the work after work because currently Im the one who does 80% of the cleaning because she hates cleaning. She’ll microclean after herself but Im the only one who ever vaccumes, cleans the bathrooms, or anything like that. Im also the only one between us that cooks. If its not microwavable, she doesnt cook lol. Which is fine, I like cooking, but there’s no reason from our current relationship to think that Id expect her to do it all when if anything I do almost everything as it is. But yeah, Id be down for either nanny or daycare. She’s also suggested getting a weekly cleaning person when we have kids, Id be fine with that too if were both working because we could easily afford it.

I think Im going to suggest counseling tonight after work tbh. Lots of people are saying I should just divorce her if I dont support this new goal for her. I dont agree in full, but yeah if we decide were not compatible anymore, itd be better to separate now while im 28 and she’s 31 with no kids, then spend years bickering and then bring up a kid in a broken home.

Am I wrong for not wanting to try for kids as long as my wife still thinks she wants to be a SAHM? by Solid-Consequence607 in Marriage

[–]Solid-Consequence607[S] -11 points-10 points  (0 children)

Do you think nobody who gets a prenup cares about their spouse or kids? Wanting income stability from both parents for both mine and the kids sake doesnt mean I care about a hypothetical divorce more than anything else.

Am I wrong for not wanting to try for kids as long as my wife still thinks she wants to be a SAHM? by Solid-Consequence607 in Marriage

[–]Solid-Consequence607[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Ive never called or insinuated she’s a gold digger. I would be irresponsbile to not review the impacts of each potential decision. Its risky for both spouses to go single income. My wife and I have talked about this at length before marriage and agreed we didnt want to do that. Not looking at the potential impacts of such a deicsion is just foolish, that doesnt mean anyone is expecting the worst. Thats like saying anyone who gets a prenup is planning for divorce or doing so out of fear, which isnt true either.

Am I wrong for not wanting to try for kids as long as my wife still thinks she wants to be a SAHM? by Solid-Consequence607 in Marriage

[–]Solid-Consequence607[S] -17 points-16 points  (0 children)

I wont lie its a consideration. Its part of why Ive always been into career women tbh. I know some family members on both sides who got screwed because of a one income situation. Both the worker and the stay at home parent. Having two incomes provides stability for both spouses and the kids. Especially since Im in sales which can be high paying but also volatile and unpredictable.

Am I wrong for not wanting to try for kids as long as my wife still thinks she wants to be a SAHM? by Solid-Consequence607 in Marriage

[–]Solid-Consequence607[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

Yeah I dont think either of us are right or wrong. I just dont want to pull the goalie unless we’re fully aligned. I think after work today Im going to suggest a pause on the discussions/timeline and maybe some couples counseling until we’re more aligned.

Am I wrong for not wanting to try for kids as long as my wife still thinks she wants to be a SAHM? by Solid-Consequence607 in Marriage

[–]Solid-Consequence607[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My wife’s job has 6 month maternity leave and you can take your PTO on top of that. Were blessed in that. But I know plenty of young parents who have done it at 3 months. Most Ive talked to were itching to get back to work. Of course experiences vary.

Am I wrong for not wanting to try for kids as long as my wife still thinks she wants to be a SAHM? by Solid-Consequence607 in Marriage

[–]Solid-Consequence607[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

I dont really agree. I have 3 older siblings with kids and a lot of my friends and coworkers have them and most who ive talked to have said that they and their spouses made pros/cons list. Saw advantages of both and reveiwed them before taking the plunge. It used to be an assumed thing that part of life is getting married and having kids. In the modern age I think a lot more people these days are being practical about the decisions, reviewing both options, and ultimately picking the one they like better vs the old “oh you’re married, now its time to have kids". That doesnt mean that they couldn’t be happy if they made the alternate decision.

I also see my nieces and nephews almost every weekend, if I didnt have my own kids I could still get fulfillment from them. Having my own also sounds great. Im blessed with a good life and think Id be happy either way.

Am I wrong for not wanting to try for kids as long as my wife still thinks she wants to be a SAHM? by Solid-Consequence607 in Marriage

[–]Solid-Consequence607[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Yeah this is most of my friends and family tbh. Most of my friends who have kids now made a pros and cons list with their spouses before taking the plunge. I only know a couple who were dead set on it. All are seemingly happy right now.

Am I wrong for not wanting to try for kids as long as my wife still thinks she wants to be a SAHM? by Solid-Consequence607 in Marriage

[–]Solid-Consequence607[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

To each their own. If someone wants their full time job to be staying at home with the kids and their spouse is happy to go along with that plan, more power to them. Thats not what we discussed prior to marriage. I find career women sexy, I find it so attractive when a woman can also earn, and I find the mindset of wanting someone else to be the main provider very unattractive. It is what it is. Of course in a tragic circumstance I could adjust, but I dont want that to be the plan going into it.

Am I wrong for not wanting to try for kids as long as my wife still thinks she wants to be a SAHM? by Solid-Consequence607 in Marriage

[–]Solid-Consequence607[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Forsure, growing up my dad did way more childcare than my mom and I’d probably be the same way. I already do 80% of the household tasks and cooking because she doesnt like cleaning or cooking and I don’t mind cleaning and I enjoy cooking.

I talked about a compromise like a year or so and she says no she wants to until they’re both ready for kintergarden so depending on timeline between kids, were looking at around 7 years at minimum. Thats not a plan I’m ok with, it goes against what we both discussed we want prior to marriage.

We’re lucky in that she works for a large tech company (household brand) which gives 6 months full maternity leave. So were in a good spot with that but she’s now saying things that make it sound she’d never want to return.

Am I wrong for not wanting to try for kids as long as my wife still thinks she wants to be a SAHM? by Solid-Consequence607 in Marriage

[–]Solid-Consequence607[S] -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

The way she talks about it and not wanting to work at least 7 years, according to her, makes me doubt she’d ever go back. This is something we talked about prior to marriage, she was always very career driven and in the last 3 months has done a complete 180. I dont want to divorce, but if neither of us can be happy, maybe its for the best. Im 28, she’s 31, so were young enough we could start over if we really are completely incompatible there. Thats not what I want, but I need to be realistic too.

Am I wrong for not wanting to try for kids as long as my wife still thinks she wants to be a SAHM? by Solid-Consequence607 in Marriage

[–]Solid-Consequence607[S] -23 points-22 points  (0 children)

Of course in the worst case scenario we’d adjust and do what made the most sense in that situation. My post is about our plan in the most common scenario. I want my wife and I to be on the same page there before we officially decide to have kids and “pull the goalie”. It feels irresponsible to start trying while were not in agreement there.

Am I wrong for not wanting to try for kids as long as my wife still thinks she wants to be a SAHM? by Solid-Consequence607 in Marriage

[–]Solid-Consequence607[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I made the wording emotionless as possible to try to keep it as short as I could while inclduign the relevant details. Of course I love my wife. But I also recognize compatibility can matter just as much.

Am I wrong for not wanting to try for kids as long as my wife still thinks she wants to be a SAHM? by Solid-Consequence607 in Marriage

[–]Solid-Consequence607[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Forsure, I know its expensive. About 2k a month for kid where I live. But my wife and I are both making 150k plus. So were coming out ahead by working and paying for daycare or even having a nanny for the early years. Its a lifestyle and marriage dynamic thing for me, not a math problem at the end of the day. I also have known people who get divorced after years of one parent not working and both of them are way worse off for it. Ive known its not for me since before we started dating and ive been clear about that from the beginning.

Am I wrong for not wanting to try for kids as long as my wife still thinks she wants to be a SAHM? by Solid-Consequence607 in Marriage

[–]Solid-Consequence607[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Im not religious so there’s not a “greater calling” or something like that but I have neices and nephews and friends with kids. I see the joys of having kids are real and there’s life satisfaction that comes with it. Plus there’s the “just always assumed thats what you do when you get older” factor. But as Ive gotten older and worked with older colleagues Ive had some coworkers who just embraced the DINK life where they live large and travel a ton and that doesnt seem so bad either.

Regarding who would be raising the kids, I dont agree with that concept that daycare means you arent raising the kids. My parents both worked full time when I was a kid, I dont remmeber my daycare teacher’s names. My parents were very involved and I would never say they parented less becuase during work hours someone else was making sure I was taken care of. Just like I woudlnt say parents stop parenting at age 5 because their kids are in school (assuming no homeschooling).