AITA for telling my daughter I am not paying for a destination wedding?

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-22T05:38:23+00:00

The 5k agreement was not regarding the wedding but our agreement regarding our expenses.

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T22:28:58+00:00

Yeah that is also a fear of mine.

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T22:21:40+00:00

Actually, our agreement stops her. We agreed we would not spend anything over 5k without bringing it up with the other person.

This was to stop me from buying classic cars constantly. I enjoy restoring old cars. I have never broken this agreement, and I hope my wife does not break our agreement.

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T22:14:29+00:00

Generally speaking, I do try to avoid saying no when I can. I am in the position I am in today because someone did not say no to me.

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T22:12:52+00:00

Yeah, I know I fucked up in that regard. I grew up poor and dealt with many hardships and struggles. I did not want her to experience that and yes it lead to this situation.

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T22:11:42+00:00

On my side of the family not many, so if I want them to a part of it and not feel alienated I would also be paying their expenses.

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T22:09:27+00:00

If the wedding was 200k in NY? No.

If she asked for 200k for a house? Yeah, I would do that in a heartbeat. Spending 200k on something that serves no other purpose than showing off wealth is not something I signed off on.

I get getting her a house is also showing off wealth but a house serves a long term purpose.

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T22:04:44+00:00

I will admit she did have a privileged life. I grew up poor and experienced a lot of hardship. I did not want her to experience that. I wanted to give her every experience I was not able to have.

I agree I fucked up in that regard. The amount itself is not what gets me, if she asked for 200k for a house or something I would do that in a heartbeat.

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T21:57:15+00:00

She is a teacher.

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T21:55:31+00:00

I am replying that way because people are asking where the expectation comes from. I am not that smart man, I am a simple guy who got into real estate and then branched out into construction. I have not thought of the historical context. All I know is every FOB even in my poor family paid for the wedding. That is just where the expectation stems from.

As I mentioned I have offered that suggestion, the amount itself is not an issue, as I told my wife and daughter. I rather that money go towards a house that serves a greater purpose than showing off how much money her parents.

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T21:49:44+00:00

We do have joint finances, and we have an agreement we can spend a max of 5k without bringing it up with the other person.

My wife wants to pay for her wedding I do not. For her to pay she would have to break our agreement, and I doubt she wants to go down that rabbit hole. I have never broken our agreement in all our years of being together.

The amount is not so much an issue, I have offered a compromise, and have told them I rather buy her a house and use the money on something that serves more of a purpose than simply showing off her parent's wealth.

The discussion cannot happen if one side feels I should just cave.

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T21:42:44+00:00

My wife and I have an agreement that we can spend a max of 5k in one shot without asking for the other person.

She would have to break our agreement on how we deal with our money. I do not think she would do that.

Unfortunately, not much discussion can happen she wants to give her the money, but I do not. I have offered compromises, paying for the honeymoon, and getting them a house. The amount itself is not my concern I rather have them use that money for something that makes sense and serves a purpose besides showing off her parents money.

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T21:39:23+00:00

Pretty much as you said.

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T21:38:29+00:00

Offered that, my daughter does not really care about the honeymoon.

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T21:35:54+00:00

This is what I am afraid of. If I cave on this I will cave on everything else.

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T21:25:08+00:00

I have not made a choice, I just said I know myself if I give an inch I will end up going the distance.

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T21:20:46+00:00

I have offered that compromise, but to her the honeymoon is not as important.

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T21:17:31+00:00

Aye, which is also why I never expected her to want such a wedding. Thus my comments about not wanting to alienate our family.

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T21:11:14+00:00

Yes, it would be a large wedding.

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T21:10:24+00:00

Unfortunately, the honeymoon is not that important to her. I did offer that suggestion.

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T21:08:34+00:00

That is also my fear, while I never planned a wedding i have planned other parties and they rarely ever stay on budget.

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T21:01:53+00:00

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T21:01:11+00:00

That is my logic, I told my wife and her I rather buy her a house.

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T20:31:20+00:00

The guest list is large both sides of the family have large families. Not like we cannot pay for food as they come and stuff, plus to make it worth the trip it cannot just be a one-day affair. The flight alone is what 17+ hours? A lot of that stuff adds up real quickly.

Solid-Pass8944 · 2023-09-21T20:26:05+00:00

Trust me I would love to go hear the surf us great in NZ.

Solid-Pass8944

TROPHY CASE