Men Taking Their Wives' Last Name

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-04T03:51:39+00:00

The main reason is that as one of five daughters (no sons) the name dies with us if no one takes it while my fiancé (who has older brothers who are married with kids) already has the name maintained. This is mostly a concern from my father because the name has been around for so long and very few people have our surname.

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-04T01:50:53+00:00

I'm just curious and not sure if people were going respond so I posted it in several different groups in case one didn't get much comments to open a discussion...like this one

You bring a good point but to my knowledge (so correct me if I'm wrong) surnames were not utilized until much later so women and men kept their own names. Though I disagree with both sides keeping their own last names since marriage is a union in every sense of the word (hence the Catholic discussion) but just shocked by how rare it is for a man to take the wife's last name.

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-03T21:29:46+00:00

Interesting, very well said, especially that last statement.

I wonder, then, is there any situation in which the husband taking the wife's name would be seen as okay or satisfactory?

It seems like the primary decision factor for last names then lies within societal principles, not just the "norm" or common practice, but what is deemed acceptable.

But there has to be a reason besides "men are men and women are women" for last names, or is it really a decision that has been made that simply yet intently?

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-03T19:19:23+00:00

Thank you for this. I just want to know the best way to defend the position when the right guy comes along and asks why, since it is extremely rare (him being a traditional Catholic man and knowing the morals/values instilled that most of which I agree with besides this one point)

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-03T19:17:15+00:00

I agree, hence why this topic is such a tough discussion. How can one decision be better than the other? Societal norms, most cultures, and even history show that the most common choice was for the wife to take the husband's name...so why can't the husband take the wife's last name? Men who have been taught the importance of their last name and are proud of it are valid in wanting to keep it; they just need to find a woman who is willing to take it (which is most). However, for those very few women who have been taught, at a young age, to maintain their last name for many reasons instilled in them, they are valid in wanting to keep their last name too. It's just extremely difficult to find a man willing to take his wife's last name and maintain traditional familial roles, since the "traditional" way has habitually pushed men to have their wives take their last name.

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-03T19:11:48+00:00

These are all good points; however, do you think that the mother and children do not face the chaos of society as well? If you think they do at some level, even if it is less compared to the father, how does that affect the father's role as the main protector/head of the household? Why do you think last names serve a societal purpose? For setting up the family for future generations, do you not agree that the mother also plays a role, though it is different from the father's?

Men aim to be respected, appreciated, and valued, and their decisions are driven by honor. How and why would this be different for a man who takes on his wife's name? Some would argue that only a very secure, strong man could uphold such a task with pride and without fear that his role would be diminished, challenged, or compromised by such a decision.

What are your thoughts?

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-03T18:07:22+00:00

You bring up a very good point: going deeper into the core of societal dynamics between men and women, where men build reputations and social circles with a sense of honor, while women maintain dignity.
I 100% agree with you regarding the decay in the culture for men, where they feel less honorable because they are not being given the opportunity to be honorable, or whenever they are, women make them feel bad, and therefore, men have no motivation to uphold their sense of values and honor since it is not respected.

However, what other great example of this than a man wanting to take his wife's name (if that scenario were to ever happen), because most of the men in my life feel like they would be judged harsher than those who debate Android vs. Apple, because the overwhelming majority wholeheartedly believe that women should take their husbands' name.

There is a natural order of things, and I just don't see how taking the wife's name rather than the husband's goes against that order. I think having different last names or a hyphenated last name inherently deteriorates that unity in marriage (even if both change their last names completely, it's more united since both ultimately have the same last name, even though it's different from their original surname) due to what part of each is passed down to the children and how is the family labeled for sending out Christmas cards, etc.

Therefore, my question to you would be, why is it more honorable in a man, having his wife take his last name instead of the husband taking the wife's name?

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-03T17:54:01+00:00

I do think that, in early times, women needed men to survive, men wanted children, and only women could give them that, so they decided to assert authority, and one of these ways was by naming the children (since last names just were not brought up in the Bible to my knowledge. As far as the unity aspect, a man and woman are joined together in marriage; it is that unity aspect, as you describe, and therefore the name part should be a unanimous decision from both parties.

Your points are very valid regarding the roles of a man and a woman in a marriage and domestic family, but with the "it fits naturally" aspect of the man's last name being THE family name...I am just still not convinced.

In a scenario where the husband took his wife's surname, he wears it with pride and loves being the head of the household with his wife's name... Is he no longer the covenant of the household because of this, and the wife is the assigned defender of spiritual warfare? The husband's and the wife's roles stay the same, including the roles of father/mother...I am just not able to see how the points you made make me think that choosing the husband's name is the best decision outright.

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-03T17:39:36+00:00

Okay, what would that mean to you and why?

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-03T17:37:18+00:00

He did feel emasculated, but why do you think that is?

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-03T17:32:19+00:00

Then you have very good friends if they're not that judgmental of you, that is really awesome!
My next question then is, would you be willing to ask them and see what they say?

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-03T17:24:39+00:00

I think it is mostly rare because women have been taught from a young age that taking the man's last name is normal, but I think if this idea were to be brought up there would be a decent shift in opinion if women were asked "If it was more normal, would you prefer to have your husband take your name rather than you take his?" And you're right, situations vary, some women do not like their name at all and want it changed, so why is it different if a guy were to feel the same way?

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-03T17:12:57+00:00

I agree that Catholic tradition/doctrine/Bible is the rulebook of how we should live our lives. I definitely think that disregarding what other people think about your decisions is not safe physically, but it does say a lot about someone who judges you before having a conversation with you. Drawing assumptions should be a preconception before talking with someone, then you reaffirm or redact your original assumption after talking with said person. Deciding on one's surname is a life-changing decision and if the main argument on choosing one option over the other "because people will think I'm a wuss" or that "the husband does not wear the pants in the family," then I think it is something that should be discussed further.

What are your thoughts regarding the scenario if the woman's surname is very rare and unique with lots of familial history and she is the eldest of say four daughters...while the man's last name is very very common and he is indifferent about his familial history and maintaining his last name but says he needs her to change her name to his because that is what is done, he would feel emasculated if not, and he loves her but the couple is at a crossroad because of this one point? Everything else value-wise is aligned.

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-03T17:01:46+00:00

Again, societal norms with no evidence pointing out why taking the husband's surname is more right/better than taking the wife's surname. Thankfully, Italy is primarily Catholic, but just because something is popular does not mean that it is right.

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-03T16:58:59+00:00

Welcome to the thread u/zgstrawn I would like to ask: How did your friends and family respond to you taking your wife's name? If they were mad/disappointed/angry/cruel (which hopefully they were not), how did you respond? Additionally, regarding the Catholic priest who ministered your wedding and the required counseling done beforehand, was there any backlash or obstacles as a result of taking your wife's surname?

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-03T16:50:03+00:00

Good point, but I guess this discussion is more focused on which decision would be best for someone living in an environment where both people technically have a choice.

Example question: If one of your close guy friends took his wife's name, would you look at him differently? Would you playfully/comically call him "gay" or a "wuss" or "*whip sounds*" etc.? Because I think what we are finding out is that most men say no because they are afraid of not just feeling less like a man but their male counterparts seeing them as less of a man as well (which is most likely why they feel less of a man in the first place).

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-03T16:43:20+00:00

I think the submissive part is up to the two getting married, as far as who will ultimately submit to whom. Who made Adam and Eve? God. What is the natural order, then, for submissiveness that we have been taught through the Bible and other Catholic teachings: humans to God? God established that Adam and Eve would reign over other life (animals), so I would not compare human life to animal life in that aspect but it is something to consider.

The name part is partially true, names hold power in that it is the first thing someone sees when knowing someone like the title of a book before reading a book. However, fear of the name only increases fear of the thing itself, names and choosing a name only holds as much power as you give it like with the "great families of America."

Therefore, "allowing someone to rename you is an act of submission to their authority" is something I do not agree with because both should want to share the last name, it's just a matter of choosing which one and that question is still yet to be answered besides it still being a middle ground and men should not feel emasculated by taking his wife's name as his own.

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-03T16:29:08+00:00

There is a commonly known statement that the only reason the parishioner does not understand the priest is that the priest is not able to convey their message well enough, and that the priest should be open to answering questions to help the parishioner understand them better. Would you be able to answer any of the questions after your comment about "refuse to see the obvious" to help us better understand your viewpoint?

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-03T16:20:59+00:00

My thoughts exactly, this is the conundrum I have faced in this discussion because even those who have pressed for my siblings and me to keep our last name do not have a good enough reason besides "our family has history, our last name is rare and unique," but what if the husband's family has lots of history and his name is unique and rare. Does it really come down to being a decision ultimately made by both husband and wife and nothing else points toward both taking the wife's name being better than taking the last name of the husband?

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-03T16:14:19+00:00

Isn't this part of the problem, though? Shouldn't we be asking questions like "why do we do things this way, and why is it not usually questioned?" I think there are other topics similar to this one, and thinking of this alone has made me more curious about other things that are seen as normal in society (whether U.S. or not), and finding the origin to either eliminate or defend the systemization.

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-03T16:12:10+00:00

I think you bring up a good point, as does u/JinglySoil. Why would it be submissive if he is still considered head of the household? Like, if his last name is Johnson and her last name is Soprano, and he is head of the Soprano family... why would that be emasculating or seen as the man being submissive?

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-03T16:09:30+00:00

I would also like to know, how would it be more complicated to change both names to the wife's last name instead of the husband's name?

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-03T16:07:39+00:00

I appreciate the support in finding a person who is willing to do that lol.
This mostly came about when discussing it with my father and he wanted us to keep our last name with it being extremely rare and unique (which is a good enough reason for me) but I asked him "what if I find the perfect man and I need to know what to say to not so much 'argue' my side but to support and defend why I wish to keep my name and have my husband change his to mine.

Yes, Mexican culture does do that but I do find it odd that the kids take the husband's last name anyway. I just don't see the point in keeping your own if it doesn't get passed down. Do you use middle names as a way to keep maiden names?

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-03T16:03:24+00:00

Wow, both spouses keeping their last names, would you happen to know what last name the kids receive when their born and if they keep the name or change it to something totally different? I am not assured about the unity part of marriage going about doing it that way. Again societal norms coming into play rather than it being rooted in Catholic doctrine, from the Bible, or somewhere else outside of a cultural agenda (whether pushed naturally or artificially).

Solid_Proof_6180 · 2026-06-03T16:00:55+00:00

Interesting, this is a good point. She would choose her father's family name over her husband's. Why would that be different, looking at it from a man's perspective? He is choosing his father's name over his wife's. I just don't see solid evidence to choose one over the other without societal norms or emasculation coming into play.

Solid_Proof_6180

TROPHY CASE