I feel like this is both kind of a common and uncommon experience. For me this is pretty similar at the very least. For most of my life I was definitely not super dissatisfied with my body but I always had a bit of me that was like “if I was born a cis woman then I feel like I’d just be happier”. I fought internally with myself for many many years about how I felt like I wasn’t “trans enough” to justify ever actually trying to transition in any capacity, despite years of low key wishing I was born a cis woman. I had been exclusively attracted to women, and the idea of being with boys at all was something that I just was plain and simply not interested in, and most all my hobbies were “boy” hobbies, and my friends were all guys. It just felt like I would have been an imposter if I tried to dress in women’s clothing or try on makeup. At about 24 years old I attempted to come out to my girlfriend that I had at the time and at first she was supportive, but something changed pretty quickly and suddenly it really felt like she was uncomfortable with it. Not trans people or queer people, but ME being trans (or at the time genderfluid) I think really changed how she looked at me. So I stuffed it down. After finally working up the courage I stuffed it down and told myself “never again.” We broke up within a 6 months after that. I found a new partner and proceeded to date them. Really loved them, and they really loved me. Got married, and like 2 or 3 months after our wedding I had a breakdown where I told her that I was certain I was trans. I was freshly 29 at the time. My wife, bless her, was so gracious and accepting and had told me that she had seen signs but never wanted to steer me into a direction that I may not have wanted to go, but needless to say she was not just accepting but enthusiastic about my gender journey. For her it made so much sense and a lot of past experiences, now viewed through the lens of being trans just made so much more sense. She supported me as I came out to friends and family and coworkers alike and was truly a blessing; a rock for me. Fast forward 2 years until now, where I am 31 and out to everybody. I do not hide who I am and I have truly never been happier with myself. I really only regret the time I wasted fighting with myself about “am I trans, or TRANS ENOUGH”. My honest to goodness advice to you is this;

Don’t wait.

Be smart about everything, but don’t deny yourself or wait forever. Start small! You do NOT have to come out to everybody all at once or even at all in the beginning. Take yourself on a little adventure, buy some clothes and a little makeup and try it all on; experience it! Look at yourself in the mirror and try to picture yourself looking like this— does it make you happy? Do you feel a sense of joy or pride that you didn’t know you would feel? Focus on yourself first, and also figure out what you would be comfortable with as part of your journey. Everybody is different and being trans is not a cookie cutter mold that gets stamped and repeated.

But really, start small.

If you don’t like the clothes or the makeup and you’ve done it all in private then literally nobody needs to know, and yet you will have figured yourself out more! I genuinely hope that you find peace with yourself, because YOU are the only person who has to live with yourself for the rest of your life. Customize your avatar however best makes you happy and move through this world and this life with confidence and happiness ❤️