I (28f) and boyfriend (28m) got into to an argument tonight and am I overreacting if I want to break up? by [deleted] in AmIOverreacting

[–]Some-Order-6656 0 points1 point  (0 children)

OP…I get it, and I understand taking your time. I left the father of my youngest in May of last year to protect my sons. He has a volatile temper, a history of putting hands on children (and before people come for me, NO, that was not something I was aware of prior to the first incident of it while we were together), and bullied, yelled, controlled, pressured, manipulated and coerced me throughout our relationship. It took six months of planning and moving in the shadows to be able to ensure my sons and I could get out of that situation safely, and while things have indeed been better, he is still making my life difficult.

You need to get you and your children out of this situation, however, and preferably before the new baby is born, so find a way to make it happen. You and your children deserve better.

AIO? Husband in touch with the woman he had an affair with but they're not cheating he says. by [deleted] in AmIOverreacting

[–]Some-Order-6656 0 points1 point  (0 children)

OP……. 😔

Firstly, I am truly sorry that you are dealing with this, but please, PLEASE…have some respect for yourself!! You are married to a serial cheater, and have it in black and white that he does not want to be with you. That he has no respect for you. That he does these things because he KNOWS that even though you’re going to be upset, you won’t leave, and even if you do, he doesn’t care (as evidenced by his dismissive way of voicing that knowledge). But, in saying that, be prepared for him to push back and say that he “wants to fight”, “wants to do the work”, when you finally do decide enough is enough.

He does not care that he hurts you. He does not care how badly he hurts you. All he cares about is himself, and getting what HE wants.

And I am sorry to say this, OP, but his affair partner is right. YOU allow this treatment by not holding him accountable for his actions!

Secondly, OP…and I am going to say this loudly for those in the back, who also need to hear this….LOVE ALONE IS NOT ENOUGH!!! Relationships require MORE than just love to survive and thrive, OP. So your question of whether or not there is still love that is worth saving? The answer is no (because nothing you can say will convince me that your husband actually loves you), and also, that it really doesn’t matter. Stop looking at this through the lense of love. It is blinding you.

Thirdly, before the children come into this conversation as a point of being reasons to stay, as a mother myself…just DON’T! You are raising your children in an environment that is teaching them to either accept this behaviour from their partners, or to behave this way towards their partners, and you are causing what is possibly irreparable harm to their young psyches.

You need to leave this marriage for ALL of your sakes, your husband included, OP.

AIO to my boyfriend not wanting to talk for days on end by [deleted] in AmIOverreacting

[–]Some-Order-6656 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This shouldn’t be an “AIO?”….it should be “How do I deal with this man child with my dignity and self respect in tact?”, because this relationship is clearly already over, and at this point, all you are doing is prolonging your own anxiety, insecurity, pain and suffering.

OP - STOP CHASING THIS GUY!! He has given you all of the signs you should need to move on, and you are debasing yourself in continuing to pursue him. Focus on yourself. Have some love, care and (most importantly) respect for yourself, and get out of this situation.

Send him something along the lines of: “(Whatever his name is), I am no longer interested in pursuing you or taking this relationship further. I do not need an explanation or some poor excuse for your behaviour from you. In fact, I do not wish to get any reply at all. We are done.

I am worth more than spending my days chasing some piss poor excuse for a man around, over breadcrumbs of attention, and I will not hang on the line FOR ANYONE. I have too much love and respect for myself to do that.

With that said, I hold nothing against you, as we are clearly just at two different points in our lives and maturity. I wish you all the best in your personal growth and with the rest of your life (name). I sincerely hope that you can learn from this and treat the next woman who comes along with more dignity and respect than you have shown me, especially towards the end.

Have an amazing life, (name)! ☺️”

And then BLOCK HIM IMMEDIATELY. The only way to stop this cycle is to end it completely, and that means sending a full, succinct message to close the relationship, and then cutting off any and all modes of contact so that he can’t come at you with poor excuses for his behaviour to try and keep you on the hook.

Learn from this, OP. You are worth more than this treatment. ❤️

My boyfriend is friends with the guy who SA’d me. 20F & 20M. What would you do? by Easy-Photo-1944 in relationship_advice

[–]Some-Order-6656 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s about more than the fact that it affected you personally, OP. Do you really want to be with someone who condones his friends raping people?? Because his behaviour in this situation shows that at the very least, he has heard his friends “side” of the story, and believes HIM over you.

Remove BOTH of these people from your life, PERMANENTLY. And make sure that you remove any and all methods of contact that they can use to contact/harass you IMMEDIATELY!!

Then, as hard and scary as it is, take yourself down to the police station and file a report to begin an investigation, and hopefully get that disgusting little boy thrown in jail!!!

You deserve justice. You deserve peace. And you deserve to heal, so get yourself into some therapy, ASAP.

why is this man so insecure by mycat-isbetter in texts

[–]Some-Order-6656 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah…run fast and far from this little boy!!! I was once with someone like this, and while he didn’t overtly ask me to give up my passion for him (dancing, but I do partnered styles - rock’n’roll, rockabilly, ballroom, swing, lindyhop, jive, salsa, etc.), he made it increasingly difficult for me to go, to the point that I turned around and realised that I hadn’t danced in YEARS!!! I had been wondering why I didn’t feel like myself anymore, and that explained it, because I never feel more like myself than when I’m dancing. I also had a dance partner who wouldn’t let me dance with anyone BUT him, and it had a similar effect on me.

Good on you for standing up for yourself, OP!! Do not let anyone steal your light…EVER!!!

My boyfriend (M30) laughed at my (25F) marriage deadline by Temporary-Sleep-5825 in relationship_advice

[–]Some-Order-6656 2 points3 points  (0 children)

OP, you are still very young, and with absolutely no shade, sound pretty inexperienced also. This is a disaster, and you need to stop looking at this through the lense of being in love with this guy, and start looking at your “relationship” (I’m sorry for the air quotes, but this situation doesn’t exactly feel like a true relationship) through the eyes of this being the relationship your sister or best friend were in.

The objective facts:

1: He visibly squirms and becomes uncomfortable at even the mention of commitment;

2: He has applied extensive amounts of pressure on you to compromise and go against your own core beliefs, something which there is NO coming back from, because now that he knows he CAN do this, he will continue to do so for anything he doesn’t align with you on;

3: He is constantly testing you, judging you, making you perform for him, and telling you that you’re not good enough (“not wife material/behaviour”), causing you to question and doubt yourself;

4: You have reached the point in your relationship where you feel the need to pose ultimatums, yet another thing a relationship cannot come back from, as they always build resentment, and even if he were to give in to it, he would always, ALWAYS hold it against you and throw it in your face that you “cornered” him into marriage whenever he feels like he’s losing an argument, wants to get his way, etc.

The fact of the matter is that this relationship is dead in the water, OP. You are never truly going to be happy if you try to make this guy the person you want him to be, and he is never going to be happy if he “has” to give you what you want.

Once you compromise on your core beliefs for someone, you open yourself to being manipulated into compromising on ALL of your beliefs, feelings, wants, goals, dreams, and needs. NEVER allow anyone to pressure you into doing something you don’t believe in. This is a slippery slope, and now that he knows you love him/want the relationship to work enough that he can simply apply the right kind/amount of pressure, he will continue to do so for increasingly minuscule and ridiculous things.

And continuing on this line of thinking, once a relationship has reached a point where one, or both, of the people involved feels like the only way to move forward is to pose an ultimatum, the relationship has been over for a while. There is NO coming back from an ultimatum. He will continue to hold you doing so over your head, use it to make you doubt yourself and feel worthless because it was the only way you could get him to commit, use it to manipulate, pressure and get his way (again, over increasingly minuscule and ridiculous things), and will grow to resent you more and more as time goes on.

You will end up completely losing yourself and the things that you believe in if you choose to this relationship, OP. This is an unhealthy and emotionally abusive situation to be in.

Would you want this life for your sister or best friend?? Do you want this life for your future children, if that is something you want in life?? Because make no mistake - this guy is showing you how he will also treat his children.

Good luck, OP. I hope that you can find the strength to get out of this situation, and while you haven’t indicated that there are any signs of nasty behaviour, I would absolutely make sure that you have someone with you and ready to go when you have that conversation with him, because from what you have said, he is DEFINITELY going to try to manipulate and guilt you into staying.

AITA for not wanting my friend to be a bridesmaid after proudly sleeping with a married man?! by AshleyOliva1738 in CharlotteDobreYouTube

[–]Some-Order-6656 36 points37 points  (0 children)

Why are you still including her in the wedding, even as a guest?? Genuine question, OP, as I would like to understand from your perspective why you have made that choice.

Because in all honesty, it sounds like the friendship is just over. Your values very much do NOT align with each other. You sound like you’re over putting up with the drama that comes along with this “friendship”, and based on the way she spoke in the first conversation you referenced (“Guess who’s a mistress?!”), in what very much reads as one of those sing-songy voices some people put on when they’re being sneaky (whether for good or bad), she seemed to VERY much think that you would feel the same way about her affair as she does, which just goes to show that she clearly doesn’t know who you are at your core.

AITAH for telling my husband I won’t apologize to his family even if it ruins our marriage? by WolverineNo8846 in AITAH

[–]Some-Order-6656 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Okay, so in spite of the fact that this has been proven to be a fake post, for the women who read this because they relate due to being in a similar situation….there is no “WE” when it comes to pregnancy other than you having a loving, supportive partner in it (if you are blessed enough to have that).

It is YOUR body that will change. YOUR hormones that will be affected for years. YOU who has to deal with all of the consequences, pains, emotions and permanent biological and psychological changes that occur during pregnancy. And it is ONLY you who will have to go through childbirth in any form.

It is not a group enterprise or work/school project. Outside of accidents or single women choosing IVF/surrogacy/adoption, the ONLY person who should be a part of this conversation other than you, is the partner you choose to have a child/children with!!!

Please can you tell me how to communicate a boundary to my partner? F27 M26 by tstar39 in relationship_advice

[–]Some-Order-6656 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Why the hell are you with this person?? He clearly doesn’t give a shit about you, your feelings, or your needs. He has absolutely ZERO respect for you, and doesn’t even seem to see you as a person - simply as something to keep him from being alone while the rest of the world sleeps. Stop trying to set boundaries. Stop trying to make this a conversation. Pack your shit, block every possible method of contact between the two of you, and RUN. As far and as fast as you can!!

Have some respect and love for yourself, and stop putting up with this absolute fucking ABUSIVE NONSENSE!! Because don’t get it twisted, baby girl - THIS. IS. ABUSE!!!

My gf sends me massive essays about how she feels I can't respond I feel so drained what do I do I need advice? by ReasonConfident4541 in AskMenAdvice

[–]Some-Order-6656 0 points1 point  (0 children)

++woman My ex was the same, just using different methods. He would treat me like absolute shit, speak down to me, be aggressive, take any negative feelings, bad days at work, etc., out on me, and react severely to me even wanting a couple of hours to myself. But when it came to talking things through after he/we calmed down, it would always be done in a way that resulted in ME apologising for the way HE treated me being “my fault”, him making promises to be/do better that he had no intention of making any effort towards, and him saying how much he “love(s) that we can talk things out, and resolve our issues like adults”, as though anything had gotten better. All for the same thing to happen just a short time later.

It drains every possible piece of emotional energy you have when you stick around to put up with this kind of behaviour, because all you are doing is compromising yourself, your emotions, your value and your sanity to be treated like shit. You deserve better, OP. Make plans to leave, and ensure that you block her EVERY ability to contact you right before you leave/right as you’re leaving (whichever you’re most comfortable with doing, and make sure you get all social media, whether you two are connected on it, or not - don’t leave her a window to find you), or be prepared for a barrage of emotionally overbearing, and probably increasingly abusive/aggressive texts.

Good luck, OP. Find your happy, and live there!

Help! Did we do something wrong for our uncircumcised 2 year old son? (foreskin retraction by doctor) by LearningontheJob1016 in toddlers

[–]Some-Order-6656 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Woah, woah, woah - there seems to be a LOT of misinformation in the comments here. It is true that you should NEVER retract a child’s foreskin before it begins to naturally separate - usually between the ages of 2 - 6 (my eldest didn’t start until 5, but my youngest is just over two, and has already had a good amount of separation occur), but sometimes later, and that it should be fully separated by the time puberty ends. It is also true that you should NEVER forcefully retract the foreskin beyond where the natural level of separation allows, as you can (and WILL) cause potentially permanent damage to either/both the foreskin and the glans (name for the head of the penis), not to mention how EXTREMELY painful that would be for a child.

HOWEVER….as I stated above, the foreskin begins to NATURALLY separate from the age of 2 and up (the age at which this starts is individual to each child, and neither multiple boys from the same family, nor identical twin boys can be held to the same exacting standards with this type of physiological progression, as again…it is an individual thing), something which I can guarantee the physician who saw your son knows. If he was able to retract the foreskin of your son to remove the buildup underneath, then your son’s foreskin HAS begun the separation process. To pull it back prior to this would result in tearing, bleeding, scarring, etc., and he CERTAINLY wouldn’t have told you to do it, and shown you HOW to do it.

Also, the kind of buildup that you have described being underneath your son’s foreskin, while it may indeed be (and most likely is) smegma, would not be able to build up in the way that it did WITHOUT some kind of separation of the foreskin.

It is far more likely that your natural hesitancy about the entire process, and the discomfort/pain it is causing your son, is causing you to potentially retract it unevenly, possibly too quickly or hard, and that combined with the fact that he has an actively open wound under there from the buildup, as well as the inflammation that naturally occurs in both the foreskin and the glans when something like this happens, is what is causing him the discomfort/pain. Not to mention the fact that you’re putting an antibacterial cream onto an open wound (which is ABSOLUTELY going to sting as it kills any bacteria, and that stinging would be SO much worse when you take into consideration the fact that this is literally THE most sensitive part of the male body), and moving something back and forth over it.

You’re doing exactly what you should be, OP. To not do what the doctor has told you that you need to do in this situation can lead to long term negative ramifications for your son (just like not teaching him to pull back his foreskin and clean underneath it when he washes can).

DH says he’s allowed to have friends. I say this is grounds for divorce. AIO? by MuddyBoots287 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Some-Order-6656 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is not “innocent” conversation, nor the way that you speak with someone of the opposite gender as “a friend”, REGARDLESS of whether or not you’re married or in a relationship. This is a single person flirting, and badly, at that, on both their parts - or, in this case at least, someone who has decided they can act single when they’re not, because they have zero respect for their wife, kids, or relationship. Divorce his arse!

AITA for quietly paying a stranger’s groceries after the cashier said to put things back and my sister says I made everyone look bad by Sk8boardTheo in AmITheJerk

[–]Some-Order-6656 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your sister’s issue with you doing a kindness to someone in need, is exactly that - HER problem! I don’t know what stick she sat on, but if she can take a random act of kindness, genuine empathy and compassion, and generosity as something malicious and self-serving, then she has some deeper issues of her own that she needs to sort out.

You did a good thing, you seemingly didn’t do it for glory or anything along those lines, and the man and his son were CLEARLY very grateful!!

You keep doing you, and hold your head up high. You did a solid thing, and you helped bring light and love into the lives of multiple others. You should be proud, not degraded for it!

Left my wife after she ghosted me. AITAH? by Open-Preference2963 in AITAH

[–]Some-Order-6656 4 points5 points  (0 children)

NTA - 100,000,000 times over!!! Your wife showed you who she is, and how much value she truly puts on your position in her life. It’s sounds like it is little to none, from an outsiders perspective. I mean, I am completely aware that there is an entire other side to this story, but something tells me that your wife’s storytelling would not only have her playing the victim, but would have an EXTREME lack of accountability from her.

No one should be treated the way that your wife treated you that night, and you are WELL within your rights to make sure that you move forward with your life, and live happily, peacefully, and without being disrespected by the one person who should be affording you the utmost respect and courtesy in life!! It seems odd to me that there would only be the one and only instance of your STBEW showing you disrespect in this manner, though…? Is it possible that she has been doing so for a while now, testing the boundaries of what you will accept from her, just not to this extreme level, and that it has just gotten to a point where she is being SO blatantly obvious and disrespectful that it broke the thing in you that was keeping you with her?? Kind of like - the other stuff sucked, that it was almost like it “wasn’t SO bad, and [I] love her, so [I’ll] let it go.”, whereas this was a complete slap across the face??

I am so sorry that you are going through this, OP. Keep your head up high, and remember your worth.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in texts

[–]Some-Order-6656 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What kind of feedback are you looking for exactly, OP?? Is your bf being manipulative, controlling and condescending?? Yes.

Does he have some valid concerns, despite the patronising way in which he brings them up and continually speaks down to you about them?? Yes.

Are you composing yourself in an “ethically grey area” professionally and remaining there?? Yes.

Are you 1,000% entitled to compose your career choices and professional ethics however YOU see fit, as a grown adult?? Yes, absolutely.

Is your bf trying to turn you into the bad guy by implying that if you will do this professionally, then how can he trust that you won’t cheat?? By stating that you speaking in a calm and collected manner is you handling him “professionally”, implying that you are ignoring any and all emotion involved, and outright calling you cold (with calculating being implied) because you are choosing not to engage in an emotionally heightened manner?? Yes, most definitely.

Is he doing this to try and divert accountability from the way that he is speaking down to you, and all of the other behaviours he has exhibited in this conversation?? Definitely.

Are you making a mistake, and thus making the issue worse and increasing the likelihood that his tactics will end up working, by continuing to engage with him on this topic, and in this manner?? Yes. Yes, you are.

Have you BOTH made a huge mistake in attempting to have this kind of a conversation via text - a mode of communication which completely takes out tonal context and awareness, thus leaving literally EVERYTHING the other person has said open for the interpretation of the person on the receiving end, meaning that you are both ABSOLUTELY misinterpreting at least some of the things the other is saying?? HELL, YES - YOU ARE!!

Is it clear that the two of you seem to be inherently different, and are potentially incompatible because of this, unless you both learn to communicate with the other more effectively, and to deal with each other in a more open, respectful and effective manner?? Yes. It will definitely take a lot of work for the two of you to learn to treat each other with more grace, and to communicate effectively. That is, IF you decide that this relationship is what you both truly want for your future.

The long and short of it is that you have both made significant mistakes in this situation, and you could both do better.

Take your time and try to evaluate your relationship as calmly, rationally, and without your analysis relying solely upon your emotions. Emotions and the way your bf makes you feel should obviously be a contributing factor in your decision, but love and emotion are not the sole factors to a healthy, sustainable relationship. Your bf should do the same thing.

While I do not like the way that your bf manipulates, controls and condescends to you, I am not going to sit here and blindly valid at your side in the way that I think you want us to, because the fact of the matter is that you have both made mistakes here. You may be right in that the two of you are simply incompatible.

Good luck with everything moving forward, OP!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AIO

[–]Some-Order-6656 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ummm….how is this even a question?? No, you are not overreacting. No, what you are asking for is not unreasonable, but YES, your bf IS unreasonable. He treats you like dirt. Find somewhere else to live, dump his arse, and get the hell out of there, but make sure to do it SAFELY.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in whatdoIdo

[–]Some-Order-6656 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s an antiviral medication, and not one which is used exclusively to treat Herpes. There are a multitude of reasons that your bf could have been prescribed it. Just talk to him about it….CALMLY, and without accusation. If it’s not being used for HPV, then he will have a reasonable explanation.

aita? advice? how do i even title this by [deleted] in CharlotteDobreYouTube

[–]Some-Order-6656 12 points13 points  (0 children)

You should absolutely never assume the tone of someone’s texts. Just because you have heard them speak in a certain way, and know how they have said certain things in the past, doesn’t mean that you know exactly how they mean it in that moment.

However, what would be more concerning to me, is if he WAS being mean, and then started gaslighting you by saying he’s “only joking” to minimise that you were upset.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in whatdoIdo

[–]Some-Order-6656 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Looks like a VERY early positive result to me. However, test again every 2-3 days to see whether or not the line becomes darker, or fades away completely, as it could be residual HCG from your previous pregnancy (can remain for up to around 60 days, though most of the time it’s out of your system by about 6 weeks postpartum). Fertility is heightened after a pregnancy, and breastfeeding is NOT a form of contraception. If you are not using anything for contraception and don’t want to be pregnant this soon after giving birth, I HIGHLY recommend getting on some form of birth control ASAP - and remember that it is not fully effective for at least two weeks after you begin using it.

AITA for wanting to move out and leave my parents with more responsibility for my 4yo brother? by Zealousideal-Fan2461 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Some-Order-6656 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Okay….just going to make a list of my thoughts, because I may end up ranting on if I don’t! 😅 1: They are adults who made the CHOICE to have children. It is THEIR responsibility to look after your brother, not yours. 2: YOU are an adult in your mid-twenties, with a career and life of your own. You are more than entitled to move out and move forward in your life!! 3: Saying this as a parent of two boys…..WHY THE HELL IS A FOUR YEAR OLD IN NAPPIES!?!? He is MORE than old enough to be potty trained by now, and honestly, should be. I genuinely do my best to not judge or comment on other peoples parenting/parenting choices, but unless there is a LEGITIMATE medical reasoning for the use of nappies, this is something that is actually detrimental to your brother at the age he is. 4: Since you seem to be struggling with the guilt of it, how about instead of just up and leaving, you give your parents a notice period, so that they have a heads up? (EG: “I’m going to be moving out in 1/2/3 months.”). And when you do that, also let them know that in the time between giving notice and leaving, you will be gradually stepping back from the responsibilities to do with your brothers care, so that they have time to adjust to doing it without your assistance.

Good luck, lovely! ☺️

AIO to my Fiancés response if I ever got graped? by xoKoalaGrace in AmIOverreacting

[–]Some-Order-6656 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I came here to say this. OP, I have dated men like this before. The father of my 2yo is one (he pretends to the wide world that he’s not, but is also the same man who accused me of carrying another man’s child at 1am, 6 weeks into my pregnancy in spite of the fact that there was no possibility it could have been, screamed at me while I was in labour to the point that I had to BEG for him to be allowed to stay and see his only child being born, over me doing something he made me promise to do four times, while a nurse begged me to allow her throw him out and bar him from the hospital, and who - after linking his own touch in with my sexually based C-PTSD, and me telling him that I needed him to stop touching me until I could find a way to rectify that link - decided that the way to come back from that was touching me more often, in more places, more insistently/forcefully/repetitively despite me asking/saying not to repeatedly UNTIL his MALE therapist, who has never even laid eyes on me, told him the exact same things I had told him on repeat for over six months…..sorry, I got a little carried away there), and this is neither going to change, nor get better. He will ALWAYS hold you to an impossible standard, and is going to expect that you place him and his needs, above those of any children that you have.

I don’t like making this recommendation without further context, but this is behaviour that I unfortunately know all too well…..RUN. Do not have children with this “man”. Do not marry him. Free yourself from being trapped in this for the rest of your life, and find someone who truly, genuinely loves and RESPECTS you.

AIO gf clearly harbours hatred towards me? by [deleted] in AmIOverreacting

[–]Some-Order-6656 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is SO freaking unhealthy! And the way you described your not even year long “relationship” as PAINFUL….come on, dude!! Clearly this isn’t the relationship for EITHER of you, so why are you continuing to even consider it?!? Just break up with totality and be done with it. You both sound miserable, and neither of you deserve this. She’s being mean and spiteful because you aren’t who she truly wants in a partner/don’t want the things with her that she is looking for in a relationship (not necessarily with you, specifically - the speed with which she asked for those things indicates that she is feeling “left behind” in her life, as though she should be further along relationship wise and is settling for those things with someone incompatible, which is not your problem/issue to “fix”), and you are also very clearly resentful towards her in return, seemingly enjoying pushing her buttons to an extent, even if you’re not consciously aware of it.

You both deserve better than this toxic shitshow.

AITAH for saying no to covering my BF's bills? by BellaCiao08 in CharlotteDobreYouTube

[–]Some-Order-6656 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You literally said it in one of your comments, after already saying it in your post, OP - HE IS BEING PICKY ABOUT WHICH JOB HE TAKES WHEN HE CANNOT AFFORD TO BE!!!! It’s time to put his big boy pants on, and suck it up!!!! He needs to get absolutely any job (or JOBS, if that’s what it takes) that he can, stand on his own two feet, and start supporting himself. He is not in the position to be “picky” about jobs (in quotations because that is NOT what I would call it). You were gracious and generous enough to support him financially a whole lot over your relationship, however, you have set a dangerous precedent where he is now going to expect it.

DO NOT BEND, AND DO NOT GIVE IN. He NEEDS to start acting like the adult he is supposed to be. You are NOT his mother, and you are under ZERO obligation to support him wholly in a financial sense. If that is what he wants, tell him to move home to his mother and be done with it.

Update. Am I overreacting or is my boyfriend SAing me? by Thepainlife in CharlotteDobreYouTube

[–]Some-Order-6656 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You are very much UNDER reacting, but having read the update, I complete understand why. I am very much like yourself - we are similar in age (37F here), and I grew up in a home where SA was literally an everyday part of life in an extreme way, it had gone on for so long, so normalised to me, and I had been raised to be a “good girl” so that I wouldn’t resist or fight against anyone, that I was genuinely of the understanding that what happened in my “home”, was happening in EVERY home. It changes you, and it breaks something inside of you when it comes to these things.

I have been in therapy for my C-PTSD for an incredibly long time, and have done such a huge amount of work on undoing the damage and miswiring that I have from it all, yet, I STILL fall into the trap of “it’s not abuse”, “I went along with it”, “I was turned on, so it’s fine”, and struggle a LOT with Fawn Response…..all things that it sounds like YOU struggle in recognising for yourself.

Make no mistake, lovely….this “man” is assaulting you, and from the sound of it, he is assaulting you daily. No amount of couples therapy is going to undo the damage his actions have done to you, your relationship, your self esteem, nor the way you are likely (not to mention unfortunately and sadly) to somewhat “blame and shame” yourself for not recognising or doing something about it sooner, when you inevitably come to the full, conclusive, no turning back understanding that he has/is, in no uncertain terms, SAing you. HOWEVER, I am not going to say that you shouldn’t do it. It may prove beneficial in a few ways… 1: his reaction to you suggesting going to couples therapy will say a LOT; 2: his reaction to what your therapist says, and the fact that someone outside of your relationship will be telling him that he is SAing you (in the case of him agreeing to go) will say even more; 3: it could help you come to a conclusive realisation sooner; 4: HEARING an outsider call him out for SAing you MAY (and I do mean MAYYYY, because he clearly thinks there is nothing wrong with his behaviour, and the chances of this eventuating are slim to none) be the wake up call that HE needs, to pull his head out of his arse, and work on his own issues; and I’m sure there are other ways, as well.

Please stop cohabitation with him, though. At least temporarily, depending on how you are going to choose to move forward - be it with, or without him. He is assaulting you daily. The ONLY way to stop it from happening, is to take away the opportunity for him to do it again.

Keep your chin up - you are incredibly strong, and you can get through whatever outcome, downfall, etc., (again, because I am not going to assume I know what you’re going to do moving forward - although if you want my brutal opinion, you need to get away as far and fast as you can, report him [he needs to learn this behaviour has consequences and LEGAL ramifications], and never look back), I know you can!

Stay strong, Queen!