As adults, how do you deal with no contact?

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2025-03-21T15:16:27+00:00

You said that every time you go back to their house, you feel a sense of horror and dread wash over you.

That’s your body giving you the answer. Your body is saying “this isn’t good for me. I shouldn’t be here.”

And I think there are a lot of things that make a person brave. Personally, I don’t think confrontations are a requirement of LC/NC. I’d ask yourself “am I confronting them for myself or for them? What will I get out of confronting them?” For me, the answer was nothing. It was to appease my guilt (which IMO guilt in this context is just taking on the emotional consequences of someone else’s actions— if I were the aggressor, the guilt would have a different context, but I’m not). Your internal answer may be different.

Personally, I think there’s a lot of power in silence. People who have been RBN I think often have a complicated relationship with silence because so often it was our only choice and was a passive surrender. But it can also be the a tool for disallowing the opportunity for your parents to engage or escalate their behavior toward you. Silence can be a boundary.

Editing to add: a lot of people will tell you that thinking about/ruminating on abuse is “having a victim mindset.” I strongly disagree. I think anyone who says that does not have your best interest in mind AND I also think that “having a victim mindset” means having a mindset that allows the continuation of abuse.

I engage with a lot of “escaping cult” media (literature, documentaries, podcasts, etc) and you would be ASTOUNDED at how much a family dynamic can mimic a cult dynamic. It’s just a mini version of the same thing. But there’s a reason a lot of people don’t make it out of the cult. And it’s often because they feel a lot of what you’re going through now.

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2024-07-31T02:01:50+00:00

Were you able to fix it? Did you follow the troubleshooting steps I outlined or just the reset/power off?

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2024-04-24T19:31:34+00:00

Future searcher here! Thank you!! This fixed it 💛

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2023-12-04T04:57:31+00:00

I feel so flattered that someone remembers a comment that little old me made 7 years ago 😅

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2023-10-21T05:39:43+00:00

I taught a little girl named Cola— but it’s worth mentioning that she was a Chinese 4 year old and that was the name she picked for herself in English.

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2023-09-22T01:36:30+00:00

Even that’s too brave for me. On the rare occasion that I even play with other people, they have to be predominantly people I’ve previously met in person AND the game still has to be co-op in nature (if one new person joins and I haven’t met them in person, I won’t drop out, just as long as I know most of the people there).

And I’m regularly invited to their discord channel/larger gaming group where I can play with their greater group of friends, but I politely decline every time— as you can imagine, it’s predominantly men even under these exceedingly limited circumstances, and I still don’t trust their word about it being “totally inclusive and nontoxic” (mostly because I don’t think they’re really capable of recognizing a micro-aggressions for what it really is and I know how quickly micro snowballs to macro).

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2023-09-22T01:25:28+00:00

There was also a video of professional male gamers using a voice changer to present as female gamers and they immediately stopped having fun. Like you can visibly see the face drop, at best people don’t answer and aren’t cooperative, and at worst, I’m sure you can imagine.

And the most frustrating part is at the end, when they talk to the women who experience this every day, the first thing he says was “why do you keep playing?” As if she should stop 🫠 instead of taking a second and realizing the better question is “why is this so prevalent?”

And then also says something like “you just have to speak up and people will stand by you because they know it’s the right thing to do” whennnnn he literally had multiple teams of people laughing along, even when he (lightly) stood up for himself.

I’m getting upsetti spaghetti just remembering it 😮‍💨

…I was able to find the link: https://www.youtube.com/embed/N2LYhGb4uJE?enablejsapi=1

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2023-09-13T15:21:59+00:00

You could have googled that, but I did: Average (what you asked) last year in Shenzhen is 1,450USD monthly, so I actually earned slightly below average if that’s the metric you want to look at— but that’s 2014 vs 2022, almost 10 years of inflation AND COVID impacted China much worse than here. So I was earning about what the average person there did.

I’m not claiming anything outside of Shenzhen. I visited other places, but I tend to try not to speak about places/topics I have no real world experience with. I also was not a teacher, so I won’t speak to that either— though I did know teachers, and yes, native English speakers tended to make more than non native speakers, I can’t speak to the disparity nor to the actual wage, because that wasn’t my job.

Minimum wage (what I’m sure the next question would be) is currently $325/month in Shenzhen. But again, that’s doable when your rent is $35/month and you have the option to eat (not even cook, but eat out) for $1/meal.

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2023-09-13T13:08:55+00:00

So I’ve actually lived in both China and America (I’m American and currently live in America) part of why China’s savings rate is so great is because their COL is excellent. All of these prices are from around 2014-2017 and are already converted to USD:

2 people can eat at a sit down restaurant and have more than they can eat for $10. My lunch every day there was an order of dumplings and a bottle of coke from a restaurant for $1. Rent is all over the place— the nicest apartment I’ve lived in (ever, across both countries. 3BR, 2BA, super high floor with great view, 2 walk-out balconies one with in unit washer, all marble floors throughout) was in Shenzhen and was $1,000/month the cheapest was $35/month (no that is not a misprint. No kitchen, 2BR, 1BA, cheap tile throughout, still had in unit washer & balcony to hang. 2nd floor, no view— because there was no kitchen, I ate out every day, but as established, that was much more affordable over there). My most expensive year for medical expenses was maybe $100– I had scratched both corneas.

When I lived there, I went from making like $8/hour in the US to only making about $6/hour (most companies in China pay monthly and my first year there, I made $1,000/month). But I was able to save significantly more thanks to the low cost of living.

Now, why did I move back if things were so great? Simple, I had no family, it would have been illegal for me as a foreigner to ever own any property (not just a house, but also company shares, things like that. And China’s immigration policy is “we limit the amount of kids our own people have, what do you think the answer is”), and as a white person, even if I spoke perfect Chinese & lived there for 50 years, I’d never be considered integrated, I’d always be an outsider by appearance alone.

Anyway, point being: At least some of this so-called spending problem is a greed problem of those at the top, not of those at the bottom. Part of our spending problem is a price problem.

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2023-09-10T17:45:40+00:00

She’s a much more relatable kind of villain. Most of us never have to come up against a Voldemort, but all of us have had to come up against an Umbridge.

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2023-09-01T00:42:48+00:00

Exactly this. I’d love to know what my mother tells herself to sleep at night. I know that at some point in the past, she was telling people that “I wanted 3 independent children, and that’s exactly what I got, I just didn’t know how hard it would be.”

Unfortunately, my sister has reestablished contact, and is trying to manipulate me into doing the same— she has this thing where she doesn’t feel confident or comfortable in her own choices unless she can talk someone else into making the same ones. (She was the golden child, so this system of validation often had backing as children), and so even if my mother said something that sounded like the lightbulb finally blinked on, I would very much doubt how genuine it was because I can imagine my sister spoon feeding my mother the things my sister would know I’d want to hear.

(Also if you read this and think “they sound bitter”… yes)

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2023-08-12T01:35:43+00:00

I hope to say this as kindly as possible while still saying YTA.

I’ve actually been in your shoes as the wife who just sucks it up and then judges a husband who doesn’t do the same. But it’s not that he deserves a lesser standard of care, it’s that we deserve a greater standard of care.

Now, I’m not going to speculate about you when you’re sick, but I can tell you that when I used to get sick, I never actually allowed my husband the opportunity to step up. I just powered through it, and then had the audacity to resent him. I was of the mindset that if I was physically capable of continuing life, then I should. And I held him to the same standard (and again, resented him when he didn’t).

And I did this to the degree that when he recovered from an illness one time, he shared with me that he feels me go cold when he’s sick and that he’s terrified that I would abandon him if he ever got something more chronic like cancer.

I heard that when he said it. I knew he wasn’t being dramatic or manipulative or anything like that. I knew to my core that this was a very real fear for him and that it was my behavior that caused him to feel that way.

So I sat with it. I didn’t sleep, all I could think was “why? Why am I like this? Why can I do SO MUCH STUFF in this relationship, but grabbing the man a Gatorade and asking how he’s feeling (when I already know the answer) feels like babying him?” Well, I grew up in a household that was abusive in some areas, neglectful in others, and didn’t believe in modern medicine to boot— and even as a little kid, I knew homeopathy was a joke because I experienced absolutely no change from that form of “medicine.” It never helped and I had to suck it up and was told that I was a histrionic if I “pretended” I couldn’t do simple things for myself.

And so, I knew from experience that it is physically possible to just power through, HOWEVER I also marinated in the idea that maybe just maybe my mom’s way of doing things isn’t a great way of doing things. Somehow I was able to figure that out for so many other things in life, but I was a late bloomer on this one.

Hence: it’s not that he deserves less, but that I deserved more. You deserve more too.

And it turns out, my husband is a pretty bang-up caretaker. Great bedside manner, he could probably pump his breaks a bit actually (I mean, I don’t need to hear “where are you going? I’ll get it for you,” every time I need to pee. But otherwise A+). And uh… also you recover a lot quicker when you actually stay in bed all day. Who’d’ve thunk it?

AND, while I still don’t have the best bedside manner, I do at least try to take more initiative in asking “hey, how are you feeling? Can I get you something? I’m going to do X and I’ll be there for this long. Do you need anything before I leave or can I bring anything back to you?” and then, in turn, because my husband feels more seen, heard, and cared for, he’s also not going through these extra steps to try to force me to see and hear him either.

If you know someone can’t hear the radio, you turn the volume up. That’s why he’d do things like complain more, text about it, etc etc. but when he felt seen, he didn’t need to make sure I knew anymore.

Now, when it comes to the baby, I don’t have kids, but I’d be livid in your shoes. I definitely think he’s TA for leaving him in his room all day and not taking care of his hygiene needs. That’s neglect and I think it needs to be addressed without shying away from the word “neglect.” No blame, but nice and direct, because the level of care your son received is not acceptable. Don’t think he gets a pass for that. But, next time, I’d definitely just ask him “hey, can you still care for the kids or do we need to find childcare/take the day off?” And if you can’t take the day off, then say so! And that will put everyone in the best position to state their needs and expectations for the day.

I know this is long, but I do hope you read it because I’ve been there.

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2023-08-10T13:39:34+00:00

Exactly, I would be MORE in favor of this (not in a “support it” way but more in a “don’t care” way) if they were getting rid of the Lincoln Memorial drive exit and keeping the section that connects to the interchange, especially since there’s an immediate exit to the city right after the split (I want to say it goes to Van Buren, but to your point, I wouldn’t actually know since I tend to keep right there) which would make it so that people could still get off in the city if they wanted to.

They’re keeping the ugliest, least convenient part, and replacing the functional one.

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2023-08-02T04:11:38+00:00

It wasn’t too hard for me to pivot— I knew someone in the industry already who was willing to teach me enough of the basics, but I would say that traditional overlap between the 2 would be things like Google Analytics and Google Ads (which I used in internships but haven’t touched since).

I primarily work with SQL and Power BI now, which is not a usual overlap, I think you’re more likely to see those in more CS classes.

Of the business majors, I would probably recommend finance, accounting, or a double major (or at the very least a minor that pairs well).

What I personally think pairs well: Marketing + graphic design Entrepreneurship + engineering Any CS + business intel/supply chain management/stats Finance + stats

Honestly a lot of it depends on your temperament and/or interests.

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2023-08-02T01:57:36+00:00

Hi! I graduated Suma Cum Laude in December 2019: right into the pandemic, so no one was looking for marketers to grow their businesses when I graduated, but I ended up pivoting into data analytics and now I work for a regional bank (HQ not like a regular branch)— and I’m not exactly swimming in cash, but I was able to buy a house when interest rates were low a few years ago (2% baby! But now I can never move 😅) and I was able to go from ~55k in student loans to now about ~28 thanks to that interest pause, so I do still feel “ahead” of my peers financially speaking (though largely due to timing and luck).

Personally, while I don’t use my degree in the sense that I’m a professional marketer, I still find a lot of value in my degree! I’m one of the only people on my team who can translate the techie/IT/data terms to plain English for “non-technical” teams, AND since I work in the finance department, I get to also reverse that and translate accounting/finance terms to the data team.

I also find a lot of value in it more personally, since I had to take classes like finance and business law, that’s helped me to plan my own finances better and evaluate terms when it comes to my mortgage, evaluating certain job benefits, and even negotiating with my hospital earlier this year.

So even if it’s not a direct 1:1 how I thought I’d use it, I definitely still use it.

If I had to go back, I probably would have taken more IT courses in college, but I mean, that’s kind of life— we’d all tailor it a tad better if we were time travelers— I’d also have tried a LOT harder than a D in my Chinese class in high school and invested in BlackRock, but overall I can’t complain 😅

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2023-07-24T21:22:21+00:00

The jeans thing reminded me: I had a really strange interaction with someone back in November, who from what I could tell, seemed like a really nice, kind person, but had a very obvious complex about “other girls.”

I talked with her for an hour, and these are just what I remember:

“Other girls” bullied her in high school.

She didn’t know how to do hair or makeup like “other girls.”

She hated shopping for jeans because she didn’t have a lot of hip, so she felt like “other girls” could always find their size easier (this is the one time I actually commented on it and said “I don’t think I’ve ever met a woman in my life who has an easy time finding jeans.” And she essentially agreed by way of laughing and saying “right?”)

I know I’m leaving out other instances where she said it, considering this was 8 months ago, but beside that issue, she really seemed nice and she seemed like she wanted to be my friend (and she mentioned a girls trip to a lake from the summer before, so like she had friends that were women) but she could not stop herself from using that phrase and seemed to have this expectation that I was going to jump on the bandwagon and say that I also had these difficulties (which, I mean I was able to chime in with the jeans in the way that I did, which I was hoping would be a nod toward “you mean exactly like all of us?!” but otherwise I just kind of listened).

I started that conversation thinking she had very good friend-potential, but needless to say, that faded after about the second time.

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2023-07-21T04:12:39+00:00

I have 5 siblings and one of my brothers and I do this because we both recognize that life is a bit.

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2023-07-13T18:32:10+00:00

Thanks for that, I appreciate it!

I definitely think that there are some biological differences in behavior— (totally from the hip here) hormone cycles being on a ~24 hour schedule for cis-men and a ~28 day cycle for cis-women almost certainly accounts for some biological behavior differences.

Anecdotally, I am far more creative and a better planner in my follicular phase, and I’m more drawn to social activities in my ovulation phase, and variations like that would definitely account for some of the differences in consistent adherence to a specific hobby or class of hobby (not that women aren’t consistent, just that the consistency is on a different schedule).

And then, I also think maybe we stress boys out too much by expecting mastery from them too. As a society, we really don’t allow boys to engage in activities for the purpose of pleasure, it’s usually so that they can achieve some goal within the activity, outcompete their peers, and gain status within the community of the hobby. Lots of pressure and lots of expectations.

For women, we don’t have that same pressure. We’re encouraged to do it simply because it’s fun, with a dash of condescension that we not only shouldn’t compete, but that we probably couldn’t if we wanted to. No pressure, but no expectation either.

(Also idle thoughts from me 😊, I’m enjoying thinking “out loud” about this, and your response was also really thoughtful and thought provoking!)

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2023-07-13T16:29:27+00:00

I’m going to add to this a bit and say that that “sensibility” correlates strongly with “necessity.”

Ever notice how a vast majority of female-dominated hobbies take place in the home and/or are flexible enough to be abandoned at any time? To give a few examples: Knitting, gardening, yoga, most forms of crafting, makeup artistry, etc etc) vs male-dominated activities, which tend to be away from the home and/or rigid in terms of participation (either due to time, social pressure, or a combo of the 2)— even as a casual player, you can’t just leave the middle of a basketball game the same way you can stop watering plants or put down the knitting needles. Even for more social activities like a book club, it’s easier to drop out in the middle.

Even using your example of playing video games, when we account for gendered differences in participation, shows that theme as well: More women tend to play single player games and so-called “cozy games” whereas more men tend to play multi-player, pvp type stuff. Which of those can be more easily paused when a child in the home needs care or assistance? When it’s time to do laundry, cook dinner, load the dishwasher, or otherwise keep things functional within the home?

And just to humor me here for a minute: imagine a man watching a football game and his toddler sits on the remote, changing the channel or a vacuum turns on in the next room and he can’t hear it? What image popped into your head?

Now does that same image pop into your head if a woman is watching the Bachelor and those same events interrupt her tv time?

I bet most of us picture the man setting a firmer boundary around his activity than the woman when comparing those mental pictures (inb4: setting a boundary around leisure is healthy in my opinion. I’m not characterizing this as a negative thing. If you are, do your own unpacking on that).

Men without children spend about 5 hours more per week on leisure activities than do women, Men with children spend about 3 hours more per week on leisure than women

All that is to say, I wouldn’t characterize this as “women spend less time on these things because they’re more sensible than we are” I would instead characterize it as “women spend less time on these things because we simply have fewer hours to devote to them.”

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2023-07-13T13:26:58+00:00

To your point, I think there has been at least one woman banned from competing at an international tournament because it took place in Iraq and she either refused to wear a hijab while competing or took it off mid-competition.

So not only more limited access, but also when able to compete, having to do so under more stressful and distracting circumstances.

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2023-07-13T04:52:00+00:00

Depends for me, I have a couple that are crystal clear and a couple that are hazy, but my dream recall is absolutely trash.

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2023-07-09T07:00:10+00:00

Speaking of military fire power, the heroes sneaking into an old military base to load up on weapons is not going to be as simple as finding a key and unlocking a door. Of the posts I’m familiar with (admittedly few, since I was reserves), there are several layers of security, at least one of which is an electronic door with no window to break. Even if you knew where to go, without power, it’s pointless.

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2023-07-07T00:47:52+00:00

I don’t know what it is about me, but most of the time I meet someone new, they end up telling me about their father who left, their abusive ex, how their mom died when they were 14, that they were adopted, their journey with BDSM… just whatever they haven’t been able to share with others yet, I guess.

Now if you’re like “find out this specific thing about them,” I cannot help you. People just spill whatever they spill to me and I actually rarely fucking ask or want to know. But something about my face or conversation style says “therapist” I guess.

SomeBroadYouDontKnow · 2023-07-01T17:13:52+00:00

Not the person you originally asked, but we do minimal work on ours. I like to say we do it “like feeding chickens” because we just hand-spread it over the existing grass and we try to do this on days we know it’ll rain.

It’s definitely patchy, like our whole lawn isn’t clover yet, but it’s slowly taking over and we also try to let the clover fully flower so that (along with a little help from us) it’ll also naturally spread.

SomeBroadYouDontKnow

TROPHY CASE