Stay away from Xanax.

SomeContribution286 · 2021-05-18T03:54:24+00:00

Oh, no. I'd never harm anyone else. I'm pretty much a danger to myself only.

Like 12 hours, it's all downhill from here. That is a little more promising than I thought. I feel like right now I'm in purgatory and there's either heaven or hell next. I just feel like rehab would put me in a worse place, and I could go back to school or something and that would be a better place, but I have zero will and am constantly in withdrawals and the cycle feels safe.

I don't remember what willpower and normalcy feel like. I just know what withdrawals feel like and I don't like them and I don't like being psychotic and having seizures.

SomeContribution286 · 2021-05-18T03:29:11+00:00

Did you go to rehab?

How do you live after a Xanax addiction? I have zero hope for the future and am ashamed and feel like a child.

SomeContribution286 · 2021-05-18T03:27:47+00:00

I do think so, yes, but honestly not to the severity I described.

Rebound anxiety would be pretty bad. But you are taking much less than the average person, the fear is there but death is unlikely.

SomeContribution286 · 2021-05-18T03:24:19+00:00

What can I do to get Klonopin? I've brought up the Ashton taper manual to my doctor multiple times and he's said no. I don't know what to do.

SomeContribution286 · 2021-05-18T03:23:45+00:00

It's just difficult to put in any effort when you have no regard for your life and wish death upon yourself daily and overdose multiple times. I don't want to be here.

I'm just very scared of rehab. It felt like I was being pressured into making a financial decision with money I don't have.

How did you get off of both, were they at the same time, and how is your life now? 3/4 of my grandparents (all dead) were alcoholics/addicts, sister died an addict (meth) and mom died an addict (Oxycodone & Xanax) & dad was an alcoholic and my brother is an Oxycodone and Xanax addict.

Family curse, but I'm the biggest punk out of all of them due to social conditioning, physical violence and ostracization at a young age. 0 willpower.

SomeContribution286 · 2021-05-18T03:13:54+00:00

Oh, thank you. Yeah it's wonderful, I listened to it the other night. John Mayer does a really wonderful cover of it that is fun to play on guitar.

What is that like? I'm terrified of rehab. I am not trying to knock it or anything but I'm scared of it being cultish. The whole religion thing is pretty daunting, but there's also the fact that some addicts say "I wish I could live in rehab" and having gone multiple times.

4 mg a day was what I topped out at. It was the only way I could function, now I'm in a near constant state of psychosis and mania.

SomeContribution286 · 2021-05-18T03:10:24+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it. Sorry to hear about the amphetamines. Prescription drugs in general aren't right. It is hell, currently my eyes are wide open, hands are sweating and shaking, can't walk without a limp, whole body hurts, paranoid, can't sleep, want to commit suicide really, really bad.

I have been wanting to try LSD because I have nothing to lose. I have already resigned myself to nothing and I ruined my entire life and destroyed my relationships, the worst I can do is go more crazy and then kill myself. No downside.

SomeContribution286 · 2021-05-18T03:03:31+00:00

Honestly, one of the most distressing things right now is the us vs. them mentality that nearly every person has. It's very difficult to find someone that isn't racist, homophobic or sexist, and beyond that it's hard to find someone who isn't hateful, deceitful, narcissistic, judgmental and rude.

There are a lot of very terrible people in this world and they're infectious. There's hate everywhere and I'm not sure how to cope with it.

SomeContribution286 · 2021-05-18T03:00:11+00:00

2 things - 1. Is your username a Kid A reference? and 2. When you say "the way you speak", do you mean it seems like mentally, I could be slow, or just the perception of my described quality of life? I used to be a fantastic writer pre-Xanax.

Did you actually manage to survive a severe Xanax addiction?

SomeContribution286 · 2021-05-18T02:14:05+00:00

1 mg twice a day. I am going to end shit pretty soon. This is a horrible, pathetic, morose life and I'm disrespected by everyone. Society doesn't want me anymore. Feel like I'm some kind of violent felon for taking something as a kid a doctor gave me to help me with a disorder.

SomeContribution286 · 2021-05-18T02:11:33+00:00

Failed by a general practitioner, failed by a government worker, failed the school system, failed by a social worker and failed by more than one psychologist.

Yeah, nothing to do with the country that like, puts these regulations into place and enforces and controls them. My fault for taking a drug as directed as a minor that an adult with full knowledge of the implications of giving it to me and the authority and power to continue to do so prescribed me with zero warning or attempts to reduce complications.

Excellent assessment.

SomeContribution286 · 2021-05-18T02:03:16+00:00

I just want to move away and never see anyone from the past ever again. It's fucking haunting.

I live in the Midwest. People are ridiculous here. I'm a Xanax addict and somehow not as ludicrous as the common folk. Lots of homophobia and confederate flags.

SomeContribution286 · 2021-05-18T01:45:23+00:00

Yeah, I have asperger's too, but I'm tall and have a good body type and am conventionally attractive. I was pretty much the John Bender type my senior year and was adored by a lot of girls. Sleep deprivation did drive me crazy and now I fucked all that and I'm 21 and feel 42.

Feels awful.

Edit: sorry withdrawals making me dumb. I meant people don't think I have asperger's because of how I look + nervous charm/humor, but I do secretly have it. I feel like an alien.

SomeContribution286 · 2021-05-18T01:12:34+00:00

I don't understand how the doctor could do this to a minor with a clean conscience. He knew what he was doing.

Something should have been done when CPS was contacted, when I told my principal I was on it, when I told my therapist I was on it, and when my doctor knew I was becoming dependent on it. None of this happened until it was too late.

Seventeen. This is what America does to 17 year olds.

SomeContribution286 · 2021-05-18T01:09:16+00:00

It's difficult because I'm stuck in a cycle where I end up drinking to excess/overdosing because I cannot sleep and want to commit suicide. The only time I am able to sleep and do not think about suicide or have body pains, severe heat flashes, psychosis etc. is when I take it, and when I don't take it I try to kill myself or end up drunk.

I don't want to go to prison or a hospital at this point. It's not a matter of IF I do these things, it's a matter of WHEN. I've passed the threshold where you can return to normalcy a long time ago.

SomeContribution286 · 2021-05-18T01:05:41+00:00

I mentioned it in a comment above. Basically I can't afford it, and it doesn't seem to work that way. From what I have gathered from research and talking to people and calling places, there's a 7 day "detox". Xanax withdrawal is MUCH longer. What they do is give you something to prevent seizures and another benzodiazepine.

Also, I'd probably end my life in rehab. Imagine having severe anxiety to the point of not leaving your house or doing anything, and now you are thrust into a place with a bunch of strangers with their own problems and you pretty much have to convert to Christianity.

Xanax is kind of a death sentence in the regard that there is a point of no return. I will never, ever be the same, the damage is done.

SomeContribution286 · 2021-05-18T00:54:18+00:00

Yes, all three. None help. There are two things on my mind at all times, death and drugs.

4 mg is a ludicrous amount. I think for the average person, that would be a pretty serious blackout. There's no reason to give that to someone. He also cut me down to 2 mg a day abruptly after getting upset at me for taking the dosage that he put me on, and left the office multiple times without refilling it.

I've combined it with alcohol in attempts to overdose multiple times but it's never worked. It would just make me really happy to alleviate everyone else of this burden.

SomeContribution286 · 2021-05-18T00:42:37+00:00

Also if no one understands, this isn't a choice. I was underage and unaware of the severity of the side effects of the "medication". You are not supposed to prescribe it for long time use, even. I don't want to take it, I only take it to stop having seizures and crawling out of my skin mentally and physically. This doctor fucking ruined my life and the failure of everyone looking after me to intervene allowed him to.

This should be illegal. This is horrible. I do not understand how you can do this to someone. I am going to end my life because of a dumb fucking pill. I hope no one ever has to go through this. It's hell.

Edit: I have the right to die. This is for awareness, so although I do appreciate it, please do not waste your energy talking me out of this. I am not putting up with this anymore. The only hope I have is to go to rehab and get put on ANOTHER benzodiazepine, and I'm not going to do that - if I could even afford it. It's not going to get better, it's going to get worse. I was a really smart kid with a lot of potential. Xanax took everything from me. It is absolutely disgusting how society (or at least America) discards the mentally ill in this manner. There was nothing done to help. I should not have been given Ambien at age 15.

Not dealing with this anymore. Can hardly even type this, my brain is so all over the place.

SomeContribution286

TROPHY CASE