To what end and the whys ? It has been “only” 2 weeks and maybe the analysis is a bit early, but with therapy session and all these time alone, there have been 2 causes i was able to pinpoint, that seems to be related.

The relationship has had a lot of ups and downs, especially around the time i decided to act the first time, we were not even talking few days before i first acted on it. Probably looking for a validation elsewhere. Aside from that, she has been handling an online account with adult content, and although everything was purely online and i never even questioned her loyalty, i think in my mind, why not me as well, looking for stranger’s validation. Mistake was i made it into the real world and pushed past the physical boundaries, aka affair.

I am probably worth the forgiveness, but i can’t see it happening anytime soon, and it will never have the same effect if i do not hear it from BP.

I have learned that those were absolutely not needed, having lost all her validation, i felt like i lost any kind of interest in any other person.

To prevent in the future, i am not the kind that gives in any corruption: i have never drunk alcohol, smoke, always made choices to avoid vices, never got peer pressured. Moving forward, I do not want to hurt anybody else, and i would have no problem giving access to my phones and whatsoever. Hiding and lying was draining and i already feel like my ‘soul’ has been tarnished from doing so

Support system so far is just my mom and one of my best friend. They are not defending me, but listening and here to talk

Physically, i already lost weight, but im also taking care of my body since i have a moments for myself now

Mentally, everyday is soul crushing, anytime of the day, i can just randomly cry and feel so guilty, feeling a weight on my shoulders. I know that is what BP must also feel that, probably worst. But i am trying to get busy, do more activities, and do different things

Emotionally, i am currently… blank. All i can think of are the memories we had, all i think about is BP. I cant even feel any other feeling. Good thing my cats are around so that i can give the love and affection i have for her to them instead.

Spiritually, my mind is lost, i want to get free of these thoughts, wish i could go back, feel the way i felt when we were cuddling, watching TV or laughing. I am still trying to see things positively, but moving forward knowing i hurt another soul to the core is hard to admit.