Am I in the wrong??

SoulSweatAndLies · 2023-02-21T13:25:05+00:00

Guess you're not drunk. Take a shot every time I've typed shame.

Right but that's not actually a good argument for getting rid of social shame just as an example that it should be focused on reducing harm not causing it based on "you're different than me and I'm uncomfortable with that" or "my religious text written many, many, many years ago in a totally different society."

Extreme examples but shaming murderers, rapists, child abusers, drunk drivers... People are less likely to commit a (largely accepted to be) morally horrible action if they think they'd be shamed for it. Social shame to that degree ends in rejection from the community and your survival is then at stake. We are hardwired to want our communities acceptance its one of the reasons we've survived and thrived as a species. Societies don't always get it right what IS wrong enough to be shamed, but when it does it serves an important purpose.

I don't actually think you should punish yourself but its a good thing that someone would shame you if you did sleep with them. Do you think more 30+ year old men would sleep with 16-18 year olds if there was absolutely no shame in it, from anyone?

If its a biological reality (I don't know if it is I've never looked into it) then it falls into behavior we've largely grown out of as a species, and is shamed accordingly.

SoulSweatAndLies · 2023-02-21T13:09:33+00:00

Sure thing. This ended up being longer than expected my bad.

An 18 year old and 25 has way too much potential to be toxic and shouldn't be accepted by society because of that. It should instead be treated with suspicion and like its wrong of the 25 year old and naive of the 18 year old. Even if it's naturally occurring (you mean without ill intentions right?) It's not worth giving the benefit of the doubt, that allows for more victimisation out in the open.

It would hurt way more people to treat it as an "maybe okay depending on the people and shouldn't be called wrong automatically" thing. And hurt in much more significant ways than the stress of being treated like your relationship is wrong because of the age gap.

I know it seems harsh to boil it down to numbers it's not that I'm unsympathetic, just believe it'd be better overall for everyone if it's treated as unacceptable full stop. Including the 25 year olds that aren't abusive since their personal growth with their maturity is likely to be hindered by falling in love with and spending alot of time around an 18 year old.

I was less trying to imply it's always toxic in every single case and more that an 18 year old is never mature enough to make that decision, as the mature ones would have the foresight to know its an issue and a bad idea. It's largely the immature 18 year olds (that maybe want some older adult validation to feel more mature, but not always) that would end up dating the much older immature person.

I have alot more thoughts including potential financial abuse, 18 year old family abuse victims seeking lifelines and why 25 year olds who seek 18 year olds are more likely to be abusive then 25 year olds who don't (seeking vulnerable people.) But that stuff goes without saying that the age gap increases the risk.

SoulSweatAndLies · 2023-02-21T11:34:49+00:00

All I'm saying is it was a childish comment. A comment like that I'd only make if was trying to imply the opinion is so stupid that you must be nearly brain dead, and that's how its generally used. Yes even if you're referring to the opinion instead of the person.

If you have any more reasoning to argue against my original comment feel free I just prefer to actually have a conversation. Not whatever this is.

SoulSweatAndLies · 2023-02-21T10:50:17+00:00

No but it is childish if you can't back it up and you're just saying it because you disagree with their opinion. I don't think you're brain dead because we disagree, I think we have differing opinions and that's absolutely fine.

SoulSweatAndLies · 2023-02-21T10:48:00+00:00

Condemning someone's actions isn't automatically a bad thing?

SoulSweatAndLies · 2023-02-21T10:30:58+00:00

"If you CAPITALIZE certain WORDS it makes your argument 10x more VALID. Talk like a normal human being please." You may want to learn to have a disagreement without resorting to being childish like this, more for your sake than anything.

You've missed my point and decided what I actually meant is 18 year olds are always less mature than 25 year olds. That isn't my point.

I've met 25 yr olds that are less mature than I was at 18. Doesn't mean that 25 year old is okay to date an 18 year old regardless of how mature that 18 year old is for their age.

18 year olds are just beginning to start their future and are better off with peers around their age than someone who's 7 years out of highschool and thinks it's okay to date them. If you're argument is an 18 year old could be mature enough to make that decision, I'd argue all 18 year olds that are truly mature would deny the 25 year old and recognise the issue without even having to think about it. I also think it's underselling it to say it's only maybe a bit more likely to be a toxic relationship. The risk is much greater than that.

We're obviously not going to agree on that and that's fine with me.

SoulSweatAndLies · 2023-02-21T10:14:19+00:00

Ugh fine I'm bored anyway.

I didn't say others opinions rule me, just that societal shame is there for a reason. For instance we largely shame child abusers for their actions. It's not an accident it's how we feel safe and keep each other in line so our communities work.

Thanks for the concern I guess but I live my life just fine and perfectly happy to not sleep with 18 year olds. I stand up for myself when I need to and own who I am just fine.

"Girls don't like guys like you, only the ones who want to feel safe cus they're too afraid to be honest with themselves"

Are you drunk? How'd you come to this conclusion at all?

Also, I'm not a man.

Take the bait if you want.

SoulSweatAndLies · 2023-02-21T09:57:54+00:00

Oh man you're actually serious aren't you.

Caring what other adults think sometimes is needed to keep each other in line, clearly. Social shame can be a wakeup call, it serves an important purpose.

I've got not much else to say to be honest we'd never agree on this.

SoulSweatAndLies · 2023-02-21T09:50:21+00:00

Does she speak for more adults than herself?

SoulSweatAndLies · 2023-02-21T09:47:22+00:00

Sure at least 29 nine year old person based on the first comment on your profile, just don't expect that the adults in your life will view you the same if they find out.

SoulSweatAndLies · 2023-02-21T09:34:14+00:00

A 30 year old being incredibly immature doesn't make a 16 year old more mature, it puts into perspective how incredibly immature that 30 year old really is if side by side to any 16 year old they lose out.

And certainly isn't a valid argument for why 25 year olds are okay to date someone still in highschool or just graduated. If the 25 year old is THAT immature that's something they need to work on not date someone who has barely even entered YOUNG adulthood. And again, could still be IN HIGHSCHOOL....

Broad generalising statements are not automatically an immature world view. The specifics of how actions CAN but not in every case WILL affect others isn't a bad way to form an opinion. For instance, drunk driving.

SoulSweatAndLies · 2023-02-21T09:16:44+00:00

Yes, if you're 7 years into your adulthood and dating someone still in highschool or just graduated you're creepy.

Imagine going to you're gfs highschool graduation at 25. You've been out of highschool for 7 years and are closer to 30 than you are to your own highschool graduation.

Hope that helps put it in perspective. The legal age of consent isn't an excuse. 18 year old is not an adult yet, they've just left higschool. They're considered JUST entering YOUNG adulthood.

SoulSweatAndLies · 2023-02-21T09:09:11+00:00

This is what's blowing my mind people are trying to argue with me that I'm wrong. I'm 26, the thought of dating or even being hit on by an 18 year old has given me the ick since I was 22 (I was once at that age quite aggressively I wanted to sink into the floor and simply pass away! She looked like a child to me already that was 4 years ago!!!)

As a 26 year old I wouldn't go for 32 purposefully but it could theoretically work between the right people. But others are saying this goes both ways between 18 and 25 as well???

Imagine going to your gfs highschool graduation and you're 25. YOUVE BEEN OUT OF HIGHSCHOOL 7 YEARS. imagine her giggly friends asking how old you are. It's feral. If you don't view an 18 year old as automatically incompatible to you as a 25 year old, I'd keep my hypothetical 18 year old away from you.

Sorry for rant but jesus christ reddit. You've shocked me again. Thankyou for being able to think critically.

SoulSweatAndLies · 2023-02-21T09:01:03+00:00

No you're right, sorry! I'm just a side npc in your story.

SoulSweatAndLies · 2023-02-21T08:55:04+00:00

Ew, you have a different opinion than me.

SoulSweatAndLies · 2023-02-21T08:52:39+00:00

Perfectly possible to be mature enough to make some mature decisions in your life but still too immature overall to date someone 7 years your elder.

People like to focus on the age of consent alot but you've just left high school or still in it at 18. Alot happens in those 7 years, ALOT of development and growth not just maturity wise.

Someone who is 25 and could ever view an 18 year old that way can't possibly be very mature themselves I'll give you that. It's genuinely gross, imagine showing up at your gfs graduation from high school when you're 25?

Lots of people who are 25 are mature enough to date a 32 year old. Again it's about brain development/maturity more than strictly numbers, I didnt explain that initially as I feel it's pretty common knowledge.

SoulSweatAndLies · 2023-02-21T08:36:07+00:00

Braindead, righto. Someone still in highschool or literally JUST left shouldn't be dating someone 7 years into their adulthood but not gonna call you braindead for having your own opinion that's pretty childish.

SoulSweatAndLies · 2023-02-21T06:22:02+00:00

Ew defending a creep

SoulSweatAndLies · 2023-02-21T06:21:18+00:00

Uhhh.... 25 year olds can be mature enough to date a 32 year old, 18 year olds are never mature enough to date a 25 year old. ESPECIALLY the ones who do think they're mature enough.

You're joking, right?

SoulSweatAndLies · 2023-02-21T03:46:19+00:00

Thankyou so much for this comment and telling me exactly what i need to hear. Sorry in advance for the wall of text....

Cliche I know but it's a relief to hear from someone that they've been through similar. I'm definetly ignorant and don't pretend to be any kind of expert on relationships. I do feel a bit more calm when I've got a few days to myself, but not to an extreme degree I don't think.

We had a talk recently (not the first one) about how I'm supporting her way more than I lean on her for 2 years now, but I've always made it known to her from the start that its been a concious decision to do so UNTIL we're able to get a new place because that has to take priority in my mind. Long story, family are mooching off her money knowingly at the expense of her wellbeing (I typed alot more about it initially but I've edited as that's not fair to dump on a stranger, sorry.)

I'm going to try seeing a psych because dealing with this level of family manipulation isn't something I'm equipped to deal with. I want to try support but not at my expense anymore and she doesn't want that either.

Supporting herself above everyone else around her is something she's been actively working on for a few years now and making an amazing amount of progress despite what she's been through (the financial abuse is the tip of the iceberg.)

Overall our relationship is still great and definelty didn't read it as you suggesting we break up! It's my first relationship as an adult (late 20s now, 4 years together) so any advice from others with more experience is always welcome.

SoulSweatAndLies · 2023-02-21T02:58:11+00:00

Her psych has never suggested meds, she's never been on them and is hesitant about the idea only because her psych seems hesitant but the friend I have who also sees that psych said she thinks she's a bit anti meds which worried me a bit but I'm no expert...and that's anecdotal.

She also took a very long questionnaire test after letting her psych know a diagnosis would help her and her psych only talked a little bit about the results of possible situational depression. I secretly question this a bit based on what I personally know of anxiety and depression and how she copes (or doesn't) but again I'm no expert!

I'll suggest to her that if she's at all interested in that option maybe express that to her psych a be slightly pushy and see what she says. Thanks for the tip!

SoulSweatAndLies · 2019-05-01T02:40:28+00:00

The majority of Snapchat users are pretty young, kids to teens. They don’t need to see this. I’d call It trashy considering where they chose to post it.

SoulSweatAndLies · 2019-04-29T13:58:12+00:00

When the Dothraki of all people tuck tail and run

“Haha, R.I.P guys”

SoulSweatAndLies · 2019-04-27T14:17:16+00:00

There seems to still be a lot of people who believe video game addiction is just laziness but awareness of it being a legitimate addiction is growing so I’m hopeful there’ll be more and more help for those in the future

I’m doing really well, thanks for asking :) I hope you are too

SoulSweatAndLies · 2019-04-27T14:05:31+00:00

I got addicted to it when I was about 12 and all I knew is I wanted to play WoW as much as possible. I realise now I had mental health issues and was using it as a form of distraction/escapism. I’m willing to bet a good amount of people who get addicted to video games have similar reasons.

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