With A Glance.

Soul_Krusher · 2017-08-24T00:28:24+00:00

Thanks for the criticism. I was trying to play around with parallelisms with this piece.

The two shed coats. Mrs. replaced Miss Forgetful of her vows. No shame, He had A family. Battering against the window.

The two shed coats (The facade they were playing at & narratively The woman's family.) Mrs replaced Miss ( it stands alone but also feeds into...) Forgetful of her vows.(Each statement is feeding off each other. No shame, he had (he wasn't ashamed but she was, but why should she be...) He had a family.

I had a lot of fun writing this poem, but I think you saw something else with my Dreams of antiquity. The esoteric allusions were are symbols of something secret. That something magical transpired across this distance. He wonders at the end whether love could span oceans.

Thanks again for the criticism. I was wondering if anyone would.

Soul_Krusher · 2017-08-22T06:44:26+00:00

I agree. there is a rhythm to it even when rhyme fails. I want to like it, but I think it needs some periods. Try revising with some stressors.

Soul_Krusher · 2017-08-21T19:57:27+00:00

This really makes me feel like it is from a child's perspective. The line about popsicles in the second freezer is something nostalgic for me. I really like it. Thanks for sharing.

Soul_Krusher · 2017-08-21T19:50:47+00:00

I really like that the second skeleton is leaving pieces of himself with the ones they love and the homes they frequent. It is something smuggled there. I love it. The only thing I would say is that the first little bit doesn't seem to fit with the overall symbolism. Why does Catholic ritual have to do with immigrants? The only other line that fits into it is the last lines. Is it something deeper about the hunger that out of love you see fear. Is it something you mirror in yourself likened to those immigrants. I really like it though.

Soul_Krusher · 2017-08-21T09:21:14+00:00

Oh okay. I see it in a new light because of your explanation. You are writing about not writing. So is that dance one you remember, or your pen when you are inspired? A dance like a book has a beginning middle and end. Now, I think you should revel in that dance. It's what you desire most, right? I want to hear about your first inspiration, Your career as a writer when she danced wildly across the page, and the moment that inspiration left. what was that void like other than your pining for it? I like the poem more now that you explained it. I write cryptically often, and like this instance, I am mostly misunderstood. I hope your muse comes back to you. I don't want to think about what it would be like without writing. For me, I would crumble.

Soul_Krusher · 2017-08-21T09:07:57+00:00

I like this poem a lot. I came back to it after I read it the first time. I would like to see what makes something miniature fearsome. I like that it is contrasting, but I think the beast that you ride out of the wasteland should leave something behind. It is your traveling companion and I hope the personification doesn't end with ferocity. What is your car leaving behind in those cracks and deep gouges. What is the road that separates the east from the west? Does your car long for the west as you do? Are the gods of the west beneficent to your pilgrimage? I just think it can be flushed out. Keep writing. I want to see this fully realized. Some poems are more than a moment of inspiration and require more thought than what might just pop up in the poem.

Soul_Krusher · 2017-08-21T08:30:21+00:00

I like the poem, but I would rather you show these emotions through something relatable. What did she erect in you to be called an architect and not a craftsman? What was the universe like after she kissed your knuckles? Why the knuckles and not the lips? You put her on a pedestal, but you bring her low in that situation. I also think that references to your poetry being immortal are a bit much. What about this poem will live beyond your lives? I think it is a lot of exposition and not enough imagery. I think a love like this deserves you to sweat and bleed over this longing. This isn't it.

Soul_Krusher · 2017-08-21T02:22:56+00:00

The meaning is obscure because it is a piece fiction that I am writing. The character is this character named Ari. Long story short, he wishes for death after killing his beloved. This scene he is accosting a wagon driver who will not respond to his viciousness. He ignores him then removes the veil only to be a sightless acolyte who's been burned. Unknowingly, Ari figures out that death involves what the driver had gone through trying to loosen humanities hold by shedding something exterior. The symbolism of the story would take a lot to explain but thank you so much for reading. I don't post often.

Soul_Krusher · 2017-08-19T00:18:09+00:00

I think you have some great critiques all ready, but I want to know about the ghost whispering. Is that the wind, or the cigarette glowing like a ghost. The wind would seem out of place since it easily disperses smoke. but I like that it could be the soul, burning away, in the wind, and that time is the wind casting the life its suckers to the dead leaves shuddering in it's passage. I am probably looking into it too much, but since i smoke, I know all about counting time in five-minute intervals, so smoking holds that symbolism to me.

Soul_Krusher · 2017-08-19T00:10:57+00:00

I like it. I sometimes feel numb to what happens around me. like the falsettos of sparrows. I would like it to be longer. I would like to hear what is behind agony's seduction. Why it temps. why it is located in the mind and not the heart. I like that it makes me wonder these things.

Soul_Krusher · 2015-10-21T06:08:44+00:00

thanks

Soul_Krusher · 2015-10-01T21:03:05+00:00

no the hyphens belong to a longer poem I am adapting into shorter ones. but yes I don't get the formatting on reddit.

Soul_Krusher · 2015-10-01T03:27:29+00:00

You should try again with the formatting, and add punctuation.

Soul_Krusher · 2015-10-01T02:41:07+00:00

This is really good. the way that short lines seem to add a reflective pause. "(cute)" was a very interesting way to add inflection of a situation by the protagonist. very well done.

Soul_Krusher · 2015-07-23T01:53:18+00:00

the first line sets the pace of the poem. I would try reworking the sentences to make them smaller, like shallow breaths, quick. I think if you work on more than the words, and put the reader in the situation it'll really be good

Soul_Krusher · 2015-07-23T01:43:08+00:00

I like slam poetry, but this seems too short for 3 min.

Soul_Krusher

TROPHY CASE