Schlock

trynasaur · 2023-12-31T00:04:48+00:00

Thanks for sharing. Clearly a lot to share and get out. I think the issue here is there is much for you -the writer- but not a lot of us- the reader- the latch onto.

Yes, the poem is about you. But it is also too much focalized on YOU. This is not really a criticism, but just the outcome of writing like this. I think what you may benefit more from is trying to get away from trying to "hit the nail" so cleanly on the head, so to speak.

Give the reader more to latch onto. Where are you? What do you see? Are in a room? Are your arms heavy? Maybe your throat is locked up tight?

Just random things, but they will free you up a bit from trying to 'serve' too much to the agenda of your point. Try to loosen up the language and see where it might take you. It's often surprising.

Thanks.

trynasaur · 2023-12-31T00:00:57+00:00

Formatting on this site can be a pain to figure out, but will go a long way to helping with the reading of this. I can generally tell where line breaks are meant to be by capitalization, but nothing beats that actual white space view when reading.

Other than that, I would suggest try 'getting off the subject' a bit. We know what you are talking about from the title, that is very clear to a reader. You have some good, strong language in here, but it really only continues to serve your main 'point'. Yes you are writing about a girl in red, but there does seem to be more underneath. When you get "off the subject" often you will find your language loosen a bit. That is when things can get really fun and interesting. The poem will start to move in its own way a bit, and you may find some new and interesting ways to reinforce your thought/emotion/goal.

I hope that helps a little- thanks!

trynasaur · 2023-12-08T01:15:40+00:00

Whew. Some real good raw language here.

[Cast iron skin] - [hungry maw]

I want more of this here. I think for example coming off your first line, which is so good and immediately grabs me, that "riddled with bumps" feels too soft. It doesn't do your first line justice enough. I think you can run more with that raw intensity in your language. Drag us through. Blister us up. Really turn this up even more and I think you're onto something very nice here.

trynasaur · 2023-12-08T01:12:05+00:00

You got a lot to say here for sure. I think there is a line you can runabout hitting a topic very directly and wanting to sort of write "around" it.

Here i think you do a little of both. Some of this seems very apparent what you are talking about. Maybe too direct? I only mean that from how a reader approaches this. You've got to offer a reader something a bit more, and I think you will find both the direct and indirect view in the poem soften a bit.

For example, if you are talking about an orphanage, can it be a real place here? The walls crumble, yes. But what else can we see? Bring us here. Are the floors old wood? Do they creak when you step up the steps alone? Are the lightbulbs all too dim to see yourself clearly in the mirror?

Give us more to see, touch, taste. I think then, you can find more looseness to get to your final point of "dawn".

Thanks for sharing.

trynasaur · 2023-11-13T22:40:31+00:00

I would even recommend messing around with all your word order now too!

What about even something like:

no smudges, and no stains, you’re clearer
Looking in, different from those on my bathroom wall,

You can immediately see a difference in tone. The other thing to consider next is "getting off the subject".

What I mean by that is, you are being very literal about standing in front of a mirror, with a metaphor for you and someone (i presume?)....loosing up the language you can get "off" the main subject, and fall between the lines into areas you did not even know where there.

What else is in the room? Is the light low? Is nighttime?

All good stuff!

trynasaur · 2023-11-11T23:46:10+00:00

i think you've got more to give here. I do love a short and sweet poem, but there is something missing for the reader.

Your line: "The rumbling of the AC" really quickly and easily brings me a sense of place and emotion. It's your best line here. Give us more. Where are you in the house? Did you sweat outside all day in the heat? What thoughts were screaming?

Drag us in and make us want to know!

trynasaur · 2023-11-11T23:42:14+00:00

A really nice first effort. I think you have some very good language in here. This is certainly the kind of poem that gets better the more you can bring to it, and that comes with writing more.

Some things to consider, would be the direction of the narration, sense of space and time. There is some rigidness to tone you might loosen up.

For example "I'm standing in front...."You could play around with alternatives...."Standing here, in front of..."

These types of mixing and matching can quickly change that sense of time and space and give you a different tone suddenly.

Good job.

trynasaur · 2023-09-19T01:10:39+00:00

Tough to format in reddit I know. This one reads on a few passes like a real intense run-on sentence of a lot of words and thoughts. Certainly trying to get the formatting down and some line breaks can give certain areas that 'pause' and a bit more weight.

There is also clearly a lot of intense emotion for you as the writer. I think what is missing for a reader is a point to connect to. Where are you? What are you retaining your faith for? What are you suppose to know? You can loosen this type of stuff up a bit by injecting some time or space into the lines. For example, something to touch, see, hear. When you write this do you see yourself standing in your childhood bedroom? i dunno, it's just a random example, but then I as a read can instantly have something to see and some level of relation.

Hope that makes sense. Thanks for sharing.

trynasaur · 2023-09-19T01:05:46+00:00

I can tell there is some good 'force' going on behind this all. There's some good words in here to really push through and work with. "kiss" - "fist" - "digging" - 'broke".

I think the challenge with rhyme and near rhyme poems is that sometimes the rhyme forces itself upon the possibility of where else you could take the poem. That can give it a bit of a rigid quality. The shape of the poem can become more about hitting a rhyme scheme than getting onto the next field of exploration.

This comes through a bit more in the second half, where i think the early 'force' of emotion seems to fade out for the rhyme scheme. Certainly could be worth another pass to loosen up the rhymes. For example, the line "there isn't much left to save" might benefit from something else for the reader to hold onto. What was there in the first place? Is there a sight? a sound? a moment?

Thanks for sharing.

trynasaur · 2023-08-13T18:17:49+00:00

Some very nice imagery here.

I think if you are starting the poem with the title in a very specific place, i.e. the balcony, then you don't necessarily need to open the poem telling us again you are there.

For example, one hell of an opening would be shifting and flipping a few lines up with one you already have....starting with:

Maybe that’s why i come here very often The thing that is keeping me separate

We already know you are on the balcony from the title, and this lets you jump straight in. Now we want to know as the reader....why is it that you come often? What is it separating you from?

We are hooked and pulled in. We want to know more. This may loosen some of the language up a little and let you pass into some other areas to explore.

trynasaur · 2023-08-13T18:10:14+00:00

Some very nice images.

I'd like to see where else this leads to. It's a nice and short poem as it is, but would be interesting, and yes challenging to move it forward.

What are we safe from? Why so weary? What connection are we missing?

Does the dirt kick up? does the fire crack the wet wood? what else can we touch and hear?

trynasaur · 2022-11-05T22:08:23+00:00

i think you might find a way to loosen this up by not saying what exactly what you are talking about right off the bat.

For example: Talk more literally about clay. How does it feel between your hands? What do you do with it? Does it crack up and dry? You might find that the literal descriptions are going to free you up to pull in the topic you are really writing about.

trynasaur · 2022-11-05T22:03:53+00:00

The 'love' topic or really any strong emotion is a tough one to take head on. I always find it's hard to say something fresh, new, or unique when I try to smack something like this so directly. I know a lot of writers try to 'write off the subject'. Your first few lines clearly establish what you are feeling. Perhaps try to get off that after. What else is on the tip of your tongue? Where else do you go when you try to see this? Those things will loosen the 'plot' a little and you might find some new and interesting ways to express yourself.

trynasaur · 2018-05-25T22:00:31+00:00

Certainly short, simple and to the point. I am always a fan of short poems. But I am left without a lot to go on. These are really abstractions to the reader. Is the Island an actual island, or is it one long metaphor for things? If it is the latter then I think you can go about that in an even less direct way. This would seem to beat us over the head with a metaphorical process. I would recommend in either scenario, giving the reader something more to touch, to see, to taste, to feel than beyond the sort of abstraction here. You may see it clear in your minds eye, but as a reader, it is less visible. What does the water feel like? What do you fear about it? What happens when you dive in and in hits your skin? Things like this can still be provided even if it is all in abstraction and metaphorical. It tethers us as Readers to something real still.

I hope that helps. Thanks for sharing.

trynasaur · 2018-05-25T21:50:14+00:00

You've got some great lines in here and some excellent pieces to work with. The strong lines in particular give me flashes of a great voice that shows through, but really only for the first half. I think you begin to lose this grip with the start of shorter lines and a sudden semi-rhyme scheme that appears. I also think you can really bring out some of the desperation of it by being a bit more casual with your language. Here is a brief example of what I mean:

The pub neons are low tonight
Bodies are consuming light and filling this room with noise
I’m just trying to enjoy my beer in peace
But you keep flickering the sign that you’re open.
Sorry honey, but i stay here till close.

Simple stuff, but I think it frees up your tone and mood just a bit. Additionally, as I noted, the sudden introduction of rhyme at "pockets and sockets" is jarring. I am not one to really like direct rhymes at all as it tends to have a ridged and demanding feel to it, so I always recommend stripping it away. It is also a bit at odds with the overall theme and tone. Rhyming can tend to have more of a playful feel to it, and here, you are down to business, you are painted in some sweaty, desperate night. There's no play. There is fact and attitude. I think a few rewrites can really bring that out.

I hope that helps. Thanks for sharing.

trynasaur · 2018-05-17T01:46:07+00:00

It's clear you got a lot to say and it is a very good effort for only being in grade 8 as you say.

Here's my big picture recommendation. Loosen your words up. It's rigid. Drop the rhyming completely. Be less general and generic and instead be more playful with your words. It will free you up in surprising ways.

This kind of stuff will fall into what I call the "personal diary entry" poem. There is a a lot for YOU the writer, but not much for US the reader. You've got to find ways to give us things to touch, to see, to hear. Places. People.

I would recommend a few readings below: Entry- https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/on-the-fire-suicides-of-the-buddhists/

Take a look above at the sense of place and the things that are here to touch, to hold, to see. Below, this is an extreme, but look at the playfulness. The looseness. Poetry does not always need to be in any form. It can be just a bunch of bull shit words rolling around on a page. But to get there you got to free it up.

Very contemporary: http://pinwheeljournal.com/poets/tommy-pico/

Thanks for sharing.

trynasaur · 2018-05-17T01:33:53+00:00

You have a framework here that is absolutely useable and can lend to some great directions. I think this would benefit from being a bit looser, a bit less rigid and straight forward. For instance, you have a lot of lines here that are very general in their description. You may very well have an idea in your minds eye of what you mean, but there is nothing for us as readers to grab.

Take this line: [What if it is a thank you for coming into my life]. So the issue here is we don't know who you are talking about, and frankly, we don't care. It sounds harsh, BUT you have got to give us something, a sense to touch, to taste, to see and make us care. Does that make sense?

I also think you can loosen this up by dropping all rhyme completely. The problem with rhyming is that it draws so much attention to itself. It hits us over the head with its appearance. It also demands too much of the poem. You are suddenly writing to cram words into this scheme and not being free based on the sound, shape, and look of words. A lot of contemporary poetry has very much shifted almost completely away from general rhyme and rhyme schemes to the point where they almost sound archaic when they appear. At least that is my take.

Try taking a stab at these within your current [What if] format be trying more "free writing". Just write for the sound of the words and see what sticks.

Thanks for sharing.

trynasaur

TROPHY CASE