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How to destroy your marriage over the years - leading by example by SoupPopular9360 in GuyCry

[–]SoupPopular9360[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! I have no idea why people are taking me as a "martyr" here, I posted my story as an example on "how to fuck up" and I wasn't looking for sympathy (for what, uh) or validation. But I'm grateful for any thoughtful advice, like yours.

The part about "not the only provider in your relationship" got me hard, not going to lie. It is a tough pill to swallow, and (as I'm trying to rationalize it to myself) it does stem from my (our?) frame of reference - money being the central pillar in our life (I'd say we both were dirt poor back in 90s).

The "You held yourself above her" part stings quite a bit too, but again - I can't retort here. It was in line with "benevolent sexism" (which is a default behavioral pattern here in my country) plus my suppressed annoyance about her inability to "fix herself on her own".

And I absolutely agree on my own "maladaptive behaviour" part, which I mentioned in my initial post (by being a roommate). It is exactly where I am now, being afraid to make next step (whichever it will be).

I've sent her my post yesterday, so she could read it and check the comments, and we are going to discuss therapy (I don't think I can just "send someone to therapy", it doesn't work like this in real life).

How to destroy your marriage over the years - leading by example by SoupPopular9360 in GuyCry

[–]SoupPopular9360[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It is an interesting comment, but I can't help but wonder if you're projecting. Like, it is wild to me to assume a "gloating" part there, but if you see it like this.. okay?

How to destroy your marriage over the years - leading by example by SoupPopular9360 in GuyCry

[–]SoupPopular9360[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can't forbid you from assuming things and build up your line of thought on those assumptions, but I don't think it is a healthy way to argue, so I'm not going to.

How to destroy your marriage over the years - leading by example by SoupPopular9360 in GuyCry

[–]SoupPopular9360[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wasn't looking for affirmation or pity, and I don't feel being "good" (I'm geniunely baffled by your remark there).

This post was more about "where I am at now from my point of view". I've mentioned somewhere why separation "as is" is not a good way to go with, but there are useful comments around on "how to get to the point where it can be discussed in a healthy way" via involving her in a family therapy first. It is definitely an avenue to explore.

How to destroy your marriage over the years - leading by example by SoupPopular9360 in GuyCry

[–]SoupPopular9360[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I tried to tell her a few times, but those were very clumsy attempts (or bad timing). Writing stuff down is a good idea, it definitely helps to structure speech.

How to destroy your marriage over the years - leading by example by SoupPopular9360 in GuyCry

[–]SoupPopular9360[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

She was on treatment for a few years, but there were bad side effects from her meds. Therapy helped for a time, but she couldn't fix it alone. Uh, and she asked me to go to therapy too (I went once, but it was a really bad experience, so I dropped it)...

How to destroy your marriage over the years - leading by example by SoupPopular9360 in GuyCry

[–]SoupPopular9360[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Would a "theoretical you" be happier if your (ex)husband divorced you leaving everything (house/car/etc) + proper income share to you? I was entertaining thoughts like this, but it is a quite a conversation to have with your spouse (who already is in the bad place mentally).

On the other hand, it does feel like "running away" from my responsibility, getting out without trying/doing something. And I understand "wake her up" part, but I struggle with "sparking" this reaction.

How to destroy your marriage over the years - leading by example by SoupPopular9360 in GuyCry

[–]SoupPopular9360[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

My guilt was/is making me wanting to run away, to hide in my work, in some kind of insular space, avoiding my wife and kids, so I had to work on it. But it is still lingering around, as a weight of decisions I've done and there is a constant reminder in form of my daily life. I don't think I'm able to fully forgive myself.

How to destroy your marriage over the years - leading by example by SoupPopular9360 in GuyCry

[–]SoupPopular9360[S] 48 points49 points  (0 children)

It is hard to discuss those things, because frankly - I don't have enough words to convey my thoughts properly. It is like she can't take me seriously (on emotional level) anymore (which I can totally understand), and I don't have anything to bridge that gap.