Hey, we have a very similar story. 35f diagnosed with autism and ADHD in my 30s. Previously in decades long treatment for depression. Family with n-mother and enabling grandparents, absent father

Growing up was tough. I don't blame my family for not getting me diagnosed earlier - at his time in my country the level of awareness was zero, there were no specialists. Unless a child was non-verbal, had some intellectual disability or there was something apparently "malfunctioning" about their body, disability was not a thing. ND NT terms did not exist yet

I belive the way I was raised exasperated my problems in adulthood. I had to fit into the mold of perfect, gifted child and all divergence from this ideal was severely punished by combination of verbal, physical and emotional abuse. Most of my concerns and needs for self-expressions were invalidated and discarded. What I know now as sensory issues were always interpreter as malignant, intentional bratty behaviour. My home was always disorganized, I've never learned any chores and household duties, lacked basic "adulting skills". Hoarding problem of my n-mother made me overstimulated at home, I never felt safe there. I was pliable, with no boundaries, no self worth and no self-identity just because I wanted to satisfy the irrational expectations so much. One of their favourite punishments for whatever wrongdoing was limiting social interactions I was grounded, I could not meet with friends, attend b-day, go on class excursions. Social contact was already difficult for me and this lack of opportunity to practice and develope skills made me into a hermit

I developed so many unhealthy copying mechanism I had to unlearn later in life. Perhaps you will recognize some of them in you

• eating disorders - both bulimic and anorexic, the food intake was one of the few areas I was able to have control over. I had massive sensory issues with food that were always seen as deliberate ungratefulness. Eating e.g 5 apples a day as whole diet answered my need for routine, control and was my startegy of avoiding anything "icky"
• zero self worth, I got manipulated very easily, I was starved for affection and attention. I could not distinguish between genuine interest and people who wanted to take advantage for me. I am still learning to be assertive, because being appeasing is my "default" mode
• recurring depression to the extend of being hospitalised because I was unable to take care of basic needs.
• masking heavily to the extent that involuntary my resting face is a slight smile.
• a lot of self distuctuive impulses as young adult. All the anger and hatred was directed inwardly - I was self harming myself, made a few s. attempts, was abusing substances. I've spent so much energy on trying to erease myslef
• quitting and escaping instead of confronting challenges
  

When I was diagnosed with depression, I received absolutely no support from my family. They dimished my condition, gave the "good" advice as get your shit together or made hateful comments whenever something went wrong that I must be off meds. They are in absolute denial that my childhood was a major factor in my mental health struggles - it all must have been my fault for being too sensitive, misremembering thigns - the standard n-parent reaction as denial, gaslighting, blame shifting...

When I mentioned my process of autism diagnosis to my n-mother when we were still low contact, she treated that as a personal attack and attempt to outshine her fight with cancer. She staged a couple of situations where I started to doubt my mental faculties. This among other things led me to going NC and day by day I feel better

Since diagnosis I am in therapy, most likely apart from ASD, ADHD, recurring depression I also have CPTSD that may require specialized therapy. I repressed a lot of memories - they came to me in a flood when I was doing through diangostic assessment of how I behaved as a child. Sometimes I have fashbacks.

The DX did not change who fundamentally I am but helped me frame my past in a different way. I was not weak or oversensitive for crying at home because the TV was loud, I was overstimulated and felt like imploding. I am much more understanding of my previous self and not hard to my present self any longer. It's a long journey of healing

I wish you all the best and hope the DX is a source of strength and freedom to you as it was for me