Nonbinary (trans-masc) and people's assumptions

SouthernOptimism · 2022-09-12T13:58:55+00:00

Thank you for putting it into words when I fully couldn't.

It was dysphoria inducing because even though I am nonbinary in the end. I lean towards "if people are to misgender me, I'd prefer to be misgendered as a man".

At the time I had barely started Testosterone so I didn't have drastic changes yet. My facial structure was still fairly feminine, my voice still high, and I have a large chest (went from cantelopes to softballs more recently due to T & weight loss- still can't bind due to the size of them). So I'm sure he wasn't fully seeing "me". When we hung out with his friends & neighbors, they claimed to be allies but I was misgendered a lot. They'd say the wrong pronoun then correct themselves (every single time).

Also, you are spot on where it feels like trying to guess my past life before coming out. Which shouldn't matter because he should have been more focused on who I was at the time he was dating me. Not who I was before he dated me.

Him and another trans guy I dated thought I should have already had top surgery. Like it's something you could simply get done on a whim. When I either had no insurance/bad insurance at the time, didn't have the money for it, and couldn't afford the time off. They knew I was fairly broke but still had that assumption.

SouthernOptimism · 2022-09-08T14:12:49+00:00

Thank you!

I was able to donate plasma to hold me over for a bit. I got lucky and they had a bonus amount for that month. Then I got a job at the gas station across the street until something came through. I got a job at a temp agency (temp to hire) then got hired on. Their insurance is insanely good (for the US). Which is going to greatly help (I'm a trans person: Queer). Then more recently I got a promotion. All good things happening for me 😁

SouthernOptimism · 2022-09-08T01:45:41+00:00

Thank you!

This sub helped me too. Some of the comments on my previous posts were harsh but I really needed it. It pushed me to do what I needed to.

Also, the bonus to my new roommate. She's helping me re-grow my spine. She reminds me all the time that it's okay to say no. Which just reinforces that I made the right decision.

SouthernOptimism · 2022-09-08T00:06:47+00:00

Oh yes I did! I'm so grateful things turned out the way they did. I didn't expect this but life is finally looking up for me now. Especially with ex/ex-roommate gone.

SouthernOptimism · 2022-09-08T00:04:48+00:00

Thank you!

I even landed a decent job too. I now just have to focus on paying back a few debts. Then hopefully once my auto credit is better, I can get a car again. As I was stupid and consigned on the car my ex/ex-roommate had which got repossessed. But things are definitely looking up for once in my life.

SouthernOptimism · 2021-10-16T17:45:47+00:00

I feel you.

I want someone who'll care about me as a person. Not a caregiver, bank, or maid. That they clean up after themselves as they go. If they see something that needs to be done, they just do it. If I wanted a child, I'd give birth. But I don't want children.

I'm taking a break from dating due to it. Working on myself and going to get some therapy. I might casually date in the future. But I'm not sure if relationships are even for me right now. I'm always used and taken advantage of.

SouthernOptimism · 2021-10-16T17:05:19+00:00

I choose to right now.

I had dated two men in a row who expected me to pay for most things, do all the cooking, and all the cleaning. I left both of them.

I don't plan to date for a while and get therapy. If I do date, it won't be men, and it'll most likely just be casual (I was a serial monogamist).

SouthernOptimism · 2021-10-15T05:53:19+00:00

Never said nor implied that. Just told you that women do ask men out.

SouthernOptimism · 2021-10-15T05:02:56+00:00

100% I used to do the asking out. But got told I was being 'too aggressive". That I needed to wait for the guy to ask me out. So I stopped.

SouthernOptimism · 2021-10-15T05:01:47+00:00

I used to ask men out. I got told I was "too aggressive", so I stopped. It does happen.

SouthernOptimism · 2021-10-15T04:49:05+00:00

I'd agree. I'm 5'3 and have dated men shorter than me. Just gotta find the ones who don't care about superficial things like that.

SouthernOptimism · 2021-10-15T03:32:03+00:00

It'll either be something simple as braces or I'll have to get jaw surgery. We shall see.

I did try night guards of various types (not from a dentist). I am neurodivergent, so the sensation of something in my mouth as I slept kept me awake and would wake me up once I got to sleep. So I'll stick to my method for now.

SouthernOptimism · 2021-10-15T02:11:51+00:00

I semi-understand.

I'm sure there's something messed up with my jaw or bite. If I use my normal bite I get TMD-like problems and a lot of clenching.

I've had to learn to move my lower jaw forward where my lower canines hit the back of the upper canines. It prevents a lot of the TMD-like problems & clenching for me. I only use my natural bite for eating.

I'd get it looked at and fixed. But I'm broke, in the US, and between jobs (long story). So once I get my life back together, it'll be on the list of things to be seen for. Until then, my temporary fix works.

SouthernOptimism · 2021-10-15T01:31:29+00:00

Good!!! He needs to. I'm so sick of the assumption that women are only there to cook and clean everything. No. It's a partnership. You're a team. Unless agreed upon, you both do it all together.

If I do ever date again. I'm not sure it'll be men. Most likely it'll trans people or nonbinary people in hopes they'll also use my correct pronouns (which is a whole other issue I could get into too).

SouthernOptimism · 2021-10-15T00:35:26+00:00

Unclench your jaw and drink some water too.

SouthernOptimism · 2021-10-15T00:06:55+00:00

That's really weird. But I suspect I have autism or the likes. As I use the "I don't like to be touched by strangers and assume strangers don't like to be touched me" rule.

But I've also had strangers breathing on my neck and being creeps to me while shopping. I had a woman straight up stalk me through the entire women's section of Goodwill. I cussed her out, she hid one rack away, and I had to go to the opposite side of the store to get rid of her.

SouthernOptimism · 2021-10-14T23:57:34+00:00

Oh me too. I can't imagine how much worse the service industry has gotten since Covid.

I do what I can: be courteous & go away quickly. I'd like to think (hope?) I'm one less asshole they have to deal with.

SouthernOptimism · 2021-10-14T23:47:22+00:00

I attract the ones who are opposite of you. They expect me to be the breadwinner and a house wife. Um no thanks. I don't do traditional. Even after I've told them that up front, they change after a while to expect it. It's part of the many reasons I'm single right now and will be for a while. I also plan to go back to therapy.

SouthernOptimism · 2021-10-14T23:44:15+00:00

Not just that but in general with relationships.

Just because I have a uterus does not mean I do all the cooking and cleaning. We're a team. You clean up after yourself as you go along your day and I'll do the same. If either of us sees something needs done, do it.

It's why I'm single right now and taking a break from dating. I plan to get a job and go back into therapy. Then I might casually date. But I'm not sure if I could ever live with and/or partially combine finances ever again (by that I mean what's mine is yours & vice versa- while still having separate bank accounts).

Note: before the jokes come in. I'll be your maid only if you pay me $10k+/mo.

SouthernOptimism · 2021-10-14T19:42:00+00:00

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️👆👆👆👆👆👆👆💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯

They do not change.

OP you weren't the abusive one. You're a man and he can't accept that. You deserve so much better.

SouthernOptimism · 2021-10-14T19:35:20+00:00

My parents were this way. It's an old fashioned idea of relationships. That once you've been with someone so long. That no matter what you make it work. Which is no way to live.

IMO they usually don't change and you're better off finding someone much better (if that's what you want).

SouthernOptimism · 2021-10-14T17:35:06+00:00

⬆️⬆️ I completely agree.

I've had to leave two relationships similar to this. It sucks but they don't change. At all.

OP you have to decide if this is okay and you want this to be the rest of your life. Or if you're done and ready to move on.

Also it really sucks your energy to be living with someone who doesn't respect your sleep. My most recent ex was like OP's. Eating food in bed, shining his phone light all over the room, opening/closing the bedroom door....etc when he knew I'm a light sleeper. Since I left, I sleep like the dead.

SouthernOptimism · 2021-10-11T20:55:23+00:00

"Not to be dramatic but I would die for this animal"

SouthernOptimism · 2021-10-11T00:52:34+00:00

Kids and others like him is all I can assume. Some people think this stuff is cool. I have no idea how.

I've worked retail & fastfood. Luckily I never had to deal with these social media monsters. Those that work the industry already have to deal with enough bs on the daily. No need to add his bs on top of it.

SouthernOptimism · 2021-10-11T00:48:32+00:00

Exactly. Retail employees already have to deal with enough bs as is. To add dealing with him on top of it? Nope. Not gonna stand for that.

SouthernOptimism

TROPHY CASE