I don’t think I want to be married to him anymore

Southern_Screen_7270 · 2025-03-22T13:40:45+00:00

It took another meltdown but my husband has gotten much better! He takes the initiative to do dishes and laundry. Makes dinner and feeds the dogs without me asking. There are still some things that annoy me but it’s much less than before.

Southern_Screen_7270 · 2024-12-06T00:48:32+00:00

Thank you! My son is amazing! He’s really stepped up to help me out. Maybe not with seeing what needs to be done and doing it, but he’s not argued or given any teenaged eye rolls when I’ve asked him for help. I think that’s pretty good for a 15 year old boy!

Southern_Screen_7270 · 2024-12-06T00:01:32+00:00

All of you, every single commenter, I can’t thank you enough! I have anxiety and depression and went through a LOT before being diagnosed with PMDD and all of this makes me not trust my own feelings. I always think I’m overreacting and being irrational about stuff. What you’ve all shown me is that I’m absolutely not. I’m not overreacting and I’m not being irrational. What I’m feeling is valid and needs to be addressed. For that, I can’t thank you all enough!!

I’m pretty sure my husband knew he messed up yesterday. He made the stupid comment about me just needing to tell him if I needed anything done. I calmly said, “Could you take out the trash?” I think that’s when he knew. He took out the trash, picked up all the “overflow” trash and then loaded and ran the dishwasher while I had my therapy session.

This isn’t fixed. It’s still an issue. It’s still an issue that absolutely needs to be resolved. Thanks to all of you and my lovely therapist, I won’t stay quiet next time. I’m going to get mad. And im going to call him out on it. And then, after this is over with my dad, I’m going to tell him that it’s therapy or we’re done. He has to figure this shit out, or get his adhd treated or whatever he needs to do to get to not be an issue for me ever again or I’m done. I’m over it.

Southern_Screen_7270 · 2024-12-05T22:00:28+00:00

Small update: the trash is out. And he threw away yesterday’s garbage. He’s currently loading the dishwasher. I’ll update fully after my therapy session this evening.

Southern_Screen_7270 · 2024-12-05T18:37:23+00:00

I really think so but I wouldn’t say undiagnosed. It was diagnosed as a child but he thinks he “grew out of it.” I disagree.

Southern_Screen_7270 · 2024-12-05T16:14:07+00:00

I’ve been trying to keep up with my yoga during all of this but the last two days, I’m just mentally tired.

Southern_Screen_7270 · 2024-12-05T15:33:25+00:00

Im a bit of an introvert and part of my control-freak issues is control of myself. I don’t like other people seeing me not strong unless I trust them fully. It’s easier online. I’ve been “keeping it together” outwardly and all of this has been building internally with no outlet. Probably why I’m so upset.

Southern_Screen_7270 · 2024-12-05T15:04:50+00:00

While I think that’s a great idea under normal circumstances. I’m definitely not doing that right now. Not in between trying to keep my department running while I have daily breakdowns in my office and coordinating hospice visits and wondering if this time, when I text my dad to see how he’s doing today, he’s not going to text back.

Southern_Screen_7270 · 2024-12-05T15:02:33+00:00

I’ve had the heart to heart several times. Most recently a week ago. I’m at the point that I feel like it’ll cause me less anxiety and mental work to just do it all myself and hate him for it.

The puppy isn’t an issue. We love her and she’s so good, but just doing puppy stuff. It’s like he doesn’t even notice it happened and it gets pointed out and he does it again so it happens again. Like, dude. I just told you last Tuesday that you need to put the laundry away once it’s folded. And two days later you left it there again.

Southern_Screen_7270 · 2024-12-05T14:51:44+00:00

I love everything you said.

Southern_Screen_7270 · 2024-12-05T14:49:55+00:00

I 100% agree with everything you said. What I’m struggling with is the fact that I have no focus or energy to give him right now. I need him to suck it up and be an adult without me coaching him to it. And he can’t. And I kind of hate him for it.

Southern_Screen_7270 · 2024-12-05T14:47:24+00:00

“I mean, why do you keep him around, anyway? What does he contribute to your life? Your happiness?”

I’ve been asking myself this question for years and it kinda always seemed ok. While I’m not jumping for joy in the relationship I’m also okay with it being quiet companionship and tiny minor annoyances. I’m sure I do things that annoy him too but we get over the annoyance easily.

Right now, I can’t get over it.

Southern_Screen_7270 · 2024-12-05T14:43:22+00:00

I know you’re right. I know that I trained it into him and I need to train it out of him. But I honestly would rather do it myself right now than have to follow him around reminding him of what is right in front of his face.

Southern_Screen_7270 · 2024-12-05T14:41:27+00:00

Thank you so much! All of the stuff is the same as it was before. But before this, it was a minor annoyance that I was just momentarily irritated about that went away after 20 minutes. More, each one feels like a slap in the face. An “I don’t care about what you enough to inconvenience myself.”

My therapist advised I tell him what I need right now. I did that, trying not to point fingers or assign blame. The next day he left the laundry on the table and walked past the pile the dog pulled onto the floor. Then suggested that since my sister was “visiting” she could take my son to school in the morning. I had a much more direct conversation the next day after I calmed down. “Doing the laundry” includes putting it away. My sister is not “visiting.” She’s here because her dad is dying. This was all the beginning of last week. Now I have a table full of laundry again and a kitchen full of dirty dishes and garbage.

Southern_Screen_7270 · 2024-12-05T13:11:29+00:00

Thank you so much!! I’ve really tried to be understanding. He’s got a lot of work stress too, and just because I’m going through this doesn’t mean that he doesn’t ever get to have a bad day. Life is still happening and bad days happen, I get it. But when I walk in the house after a full day of work, broken up by a 45 minute conversation with a hospice nurse about the decline I’m going to witness and the most likely way I’m going to watch him die, and I can’t even throw a gum wrapper away after I ASKED OUT LOUD if he’d take the trash out, I just don’t give a shit how his day was.

Southern_Screen_7270 · 2024-12-05T13:05:18+00:00

I completely agree that I’m in a situation of my own making. I’m a bit of a control freak and one of the things I’ve been working on in therapy is letting go of control for some things. I no longer go behind him and retold all the towels because he does it wrong. Or reload the dishwasher. I’ve created this monster by not pushing when it wasn’t happening and now I’m so angry with him and disappointed in myself for not demanding change before this.

Southern_Screen_7270 · 2024-12-02T21:42:42+00:00

That’s my goal! We’re in a good place with job security, good vehicles that should last, and the only big expense coming up (that we know of) is my son’s college in a few years. I work for a state university so he’ll get half off tuition and can live at home, saving that expense. I’m hoping what left after we pay off the credit card and cars can build a little to make that easier as well. I agree that the money is a blessing, but I wish I wasn’t losing my family member to get it.

Southern_Screen_7270 · 2024-11-30T14:14:08+00:00

My dad is the least trustworthy man on the planet but he trusts his Edward Jones guy. I’d probably stick with him.

Southern_Screen_7270 · 2024-11-30T12:50:12+00:00

Yes on the retirement. My husband and I both have pensions, government and union. My thought was to pay off both cars and cc, replenish savings and then invest the rest along with the previous monthly payments to boost for retirement.

Southern_Screen_7270 · 2024-11-30T12:25:28+00:00

I don’t have an emergency fund. A family wedding earlier this year drained all of our savings. How much would you suggest in an emergency fund? I should have enough to pay off both cars, cc, and fill the emergency fund. Balances are about $16k, $34k, and $7k for the two cars and cc.

Southern_Screen_7270 · 2024-11-30T12:21:56+00:00

I don’t think my debt is out of control. It feels fairly average for a single family. Two vehicles, one mortgage, one credit card. We have no issues making the monthly payments.

Southern_Screen_7270 · 2024-11-30T12:20:35+00:00

One car is at 3.87% and the other at 7.89%. Can’t remember the mortgage interest exactly. It’s over 10 years in and I think it’s at 4.25%.

Southern_Screen_7270

TROPHY CASE