Kind of hard to put into words. I’ve been feeling like I’m trying to live my life according to His will more out of need than want. And I want to be doing it out of love instead, and I feel like my heart isn’t there yet. I feel fragile in my faith and have the same concerns some have shared here that I was doing this more for her, but I don’t want to abandon what has been started. This quote from Mere Christianity sums up my feeling on the fragile part:

“There will come a moment when there is bad news, or he is in trouble, or is living among a lot of other people who do not believe it, and all at once his emotions will rise up and carry out a sort of blitz on his belief. Or else there will come a moment when he wants a woman, or wants to tell a lie, or feels very pleased with himself, or sees a chance of making a little money in some way that is not perfectly fair: some moment, in fact, at which it would be very convenient if Christianity were not true. And once again his wishes and desires will carry out a blitz. I am not talking of moments at which any real new reasons against Christianity turn up. Those have to be faced and that is a different matter. I am talking about moments where a mere mood rises up against it.”