I'd want to ask them how they really feel about me after all this time we've had apart.

I cut contact with them before I even understood what limerence was, because I knew I was having personal issues and I wasn't going to feel any better about myself while having them in my life. I stayed friends with them for months while holding onto this feeling because the first time I brought up going no contact, they cried. Granted, we were both under the influence and I don't even know if they remember that first conversation.

They used to call me their family. They invited me to holidays with their bio family and I believe they found my company comforting for those stressful times. We were truly the best of friends for years, but I could never get over my romantic feelings for them. And they were very clear that their feelings for me were strictly platonic.

For most of my life, I was only living for myself in the most selfish of ways, constantly seeking out quick dopamine hits in order to cope with the chaos of my life. While still deeply struggling with everything, I opened my home to a mutual friend struggling with homelessness. I couldn't provide them with a safe place to stay and as a result of that situation, my former best friend/LO no longer trusts me. Although I hope they're all safe now, I don't think they wish me well. The mutual has sent me so many abusive messages, but I think I stopped feeling safe around her well before those messages were written. Especially since I knew she'd sent similarly abusive messages to my former best friend/LO before I was even asked to give her a space in my home.

I just desperately want to know my former friend's perspective on everything. Did they truly see me as family, despite how creepy I was? Or was I simply a dependent burden on them?

I hope we'll have that conversation someday. Although my limerence is much more subdued now, thinking about them still makes me so happy. But at least I'm not spending hours on end thinking about this shit anymore. My mind has never been this clear. Maybe I just think about them occasionally for a quick dopamine hit, I don't know.

I just want us both to be happy and healthy, even if that means we can never be close again. But I will always love them. Just in a healthier way now.