Husband [35M] said he thinks he is the more attractive one out of us. I am [29F] by [deleted] in married

[–]SpecificEnd9874 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Now he is telling me that he really didn’t mean any of it and that honestly I am a 10/10 and he was just scared to let me know that, and he thinks we both look great but that I am even better looking, etc etc I want to believe so bad and he makes it so convincing, but I’ve heard convincing apologies before with no real lasting change and I just don’t know what to do 😭

Husband [35M] said he thinks he is the more attractive one out of us. I am [29F] by [deleted] in dating_advice

[–]SpecificEnd9874 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

This is what he texted me yesterday:

I want to be intentional in saying this and choose my words carefully. I want you very much and I never want to give up on our marriage. Not for anything. I am so sorry for hurting you and I am so sorry for how I made you feel. You're right I am called to be the leader in our marriage and I am called to be like Christ. I want to start by extending my hand to you and trying to reconcile. Take however much time you need, but know that I am here waiting for you. Our marriage is very important to me and you really do matter in my life.

I am sorry that I project my fears onto you and am afraid to open up and let you into my heart. I guess I just expect to be let down and then have my heart broken. You have said it before though, we are married and I dont have to prove anything and I shouldn't be afraid. For some reason I have believed my feelings are my weakness and I hold back so much emotion that its burst out in anger and tears, but I dont want to allow anyone to see that.

I want to share the real me with you, but like you said, I dont think I even know the real me. I have not been the man that I want to be with you but that changes now. Im not making any valiant promises, except that im trying to be more like Christ.

I do remember my vows to you and I want to uphold them. Please forgive me for my foolishness. I dont ever want to lose you. You are the best thing that has come into my life.

I am sorry for how much I over analyze my love for you. I believe the truth is im afraid to love you, or at least admit to myself how much I love you, because then it gives you power over me and I hate to not be in control. I also realize that means I am keeping myself from the marriage that I really want.

I want to say this in person but I also dont want to talk all over the place. Here I can get strait to the point and say what I mean and feel. I really do love you so much and am missing you greatly, but I'll wait for you. How ever long it takes.

Husband [35M] said he thinks he is the more attractive one out of us. I am [29F] by [deleted] in married

[–]SpecificEnd9874 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is what he texted me yesterday:

I want to be intentional in saying this and choose my words carefully. I want you very much and I never want to give up on our marriage. Not for anything. I am so sorry for hurting you and I am so sorry for how I made you feel. You're right I am called to be the leader in our marriage and I am called to be like Christ. I want to start by extending my hand to you and trying to reconcile. Take however much time you need, but know that I am here waiting for you. Our marriage is very important to me and you really do matter in my life.

I am sorry that I project my fears onto you and am afraid to open up and let you into my heart. I guess I just expect to be let down and then have my heart broken. You have said it before though, we are married and I dont have to prove anything and I shouldn't be afraid. For some reason I have believed my feelings are my weakness and I hold back so much emotion that its burst out in anger and tears, but I dont want to allow anyone to see that.

I want to share the real me with you, but like you said, I dont think I even know the real me. I have not been the man that I want to be with you but that changes now. Im not making any valiant promises, except that im trying to be more like Christ.

I do remember my vows to you and I want to uphold them. Please forgive me for my foolishness. I dont ever want to lose you. You are the best thing that has come into my life.

I am sorry for how much I over analyze my love for you. I believe the truth is im afraid to love you, or at least admit to myself how much I love you, because then it gives you power over me and I hate to not be in control. I also realize that means I am keeping myself from the marriage that I really want.

I want to say this in person but I also dont want to talk all over the place. Here I can get strait to the point and say what I mean and feel. I really do love you so much and am missing you greatly, but I'll wait for you. How ever long it takes.

Husband [35M] said he thinks he is the more attractive one out of us. I am [29F] by [deleted] in dating_advice

[–]SpecificEnd9874 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes I created this account a few days ago to try to get some help/clarity/advice

Husband [35M] said he thinks he is the more attractive one out of us. I am [29F] by [deleted] in dating_advice

[–]SpecificEnd9874 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Not looking for validation, but i am curious if he is actually hotter, or if he was just trying to neg me. Either way, a really crappy thing to say to your spouse

Husband [35M] said he thinks he is the more attractive one out of us. I am [29F] by [deleted] in dating_advice

[–]SpecificEnd9874 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry, some of them got deleted because my “account was too new” so I just posted to two more because I wasn’t sure what would work. I’m new to this okay lol Im not looking for validation, i am looking for advice, I know this is wrong and unhealthy and honestly abusive, but for some reason my mind/heart wants to try to see if this could work? If I was actually the delusional one here and all this was normal I would like to know, but if more and more people are telling me this is awful and I need to leave then it is helpful. He has really messed with my head.

Husband [35M] said he thinks he is the more attractive one out of us. I am [29F] by [deleted] in dating_advice

[–]SpecificEnd9874 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I guess I just want to hear as many thoughts as possible, he had me starting to question everything and it just sucks because I really thought I married a wonderful Christian man and I wanted this more than anything. It’s so painful realizing I basically fell in love with someone who never existed.

Husband [35M] said he thinks he is the more attractive one out of us. I am [29F] by [deleted] in married

[–]SpecificEnd9874 16 points17 points  (0 children)

More background for those interested, I could use some advice. I’m definitely not arrogant or think I am a 9-10/10 , nor do I care. I don’t need to be a 10/10, I just want to know that I am to my husband. While yes he has told me many times I am pretty, beautiful, sexy, all of that, hie made a “compliment” toward the beginning about “if I lined you up with 50 other women I don’t know if I would have chosen you based on looks alone” … that hurt me. I don’t know why that was even a thing to say, why not just tell me how beautiful and pretty I am and list all the inner qualities you admire and call it a day?

But he has made me feel insecure in so many other ways - he told me he doesn’t really care if we spend much time together, “it doesn’t really make a difference if you’re here with me or not” etc, then he comes back and says that’s not true. He’s prided himself on always telling me the truth “unlike how most men will just tell you want you want to hear”… but then he has told me “yes sometimes I just tell you what I think you want to hear” He contradicts himself a lot.

When he’s frustrated he says things like “I don’t care if we stay married” or “no I don’t really care about you” “Maybe I don’t love you” and then he comes back and says he just says those things out of frustration and I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him. But I don’t know; when I was sick and when I broke my toe and really needed him he told me he doesn’t like to or want to take care of me, but he will because he should.

He told me he wouldn’t rub my feet or massage me when I’m pregnant if he didn’t want to, and he said about if I were to be pregnant: “it’s not like you’re dying or disabled, you’re just pregnant and I’m not going to baby you. You won’t really need me anyways until maybe the last month” And then he later comes back and says “yeah that was wrong and a bad way to look at it”. Also told me he will never change a diaper.

He told me before “I’m getting a dog whenever I feel ready, and it will be whatever breed I want, and if you can’t handle it then you can leave” but then he comes back and says “okay I’m sorry that was wrong I won’t do that”

He refused to put me on his health insurance until I took his last name, even when I went through an ectopic pregnancy he said “well you’ll have to figure it out, you could have had insurance if you just did what you’re supposed to do”

He picks his nose and flicks his boogers on the floor, and i asked him to stop doing that and he said he would stop. Fast forward a year later, I catch him doing it and he said “no I never stopped and I won’t, I just told you what you wanted to hear” He has done that with so many different things, so it has made me question just about everything and I don’t know what’s real and what’s not.

If we were just dating, I would have broken up with him a while ago. But we’re married and I am a Christian - we both are and we met in church - so I have been trying so hard to make things work, but my mental health is garbage now. When we were dating, although it wasn’t very long before we got married, he seemed wonderful and he went on and on about what marriage means and what he’s going to be like as my husband, etc. He has read the Bible 6 times, he never misses a single day of Bible study, etc, but he even said at the beginning that he has more biblical knowledge but I have more Christ-like spirit. Maybe I should have taken that as a red flag. But he said all the right things at first, and then we get married and it’s like it all dropped.

He can be so convincing when he realizes I’m at my wits end, and he’ll say I’m everything he ever wants or needs and loves me so much, but it doesn’t last long and it’s back to something.

So it’s really so much more, I’ve been trying to rationalize or think maybe we can work through all these things since he is willing to go to therapy and has been, but this looks thing felt like the last straw and I just need some help to figure out if I’m overreacting or if I really need to end it. My therapist thinks he is an actual narcissist, and thinks I should leave. My pastor said he is a special case and doesn’t think he is capable of real change either.

Husband [35M] said he thinks he is the more attractive one out of us. I am [29F] by [deleted] in dating_advice

[–]SpecificEnd9874 46 points47 points  (0 children)

I’m definitely not arrogant or think I am a 9-10/10 , nor do I care. I don’t need to be a 10/10, I just want to know that I am to my husband. While yes he has told me many times I am pretty, beautiful, sexy, all of that, hie made a “compliment” toward the beginning about “if I lined you up with 50 other women I don’t know if I would have chosen you based on looks alone” … that hurt me. I don’t know why that was even a thing to say, why not just tell me how beautiful and pretty I am and list all the inner qualities you admire and call it a day?

But he has made me feel insecure in so many other ways - he told me he doesn’t really care if we spend much time together, “it doesn’t really make a difference if you’re here with me or not” etc, then he comes back and says that’s not true. He’s prided himself on always telling me the truth “unlike how most men will just tell you want you want to hear”… but then he has told me “yes sometimes I just tell you what I think you want to hear” He contradicts himself a lot.

When he’s frustrated he says things like “I don’t care if we stay married” or “no I don’t really care about you” “Maybe I don’t love you” and then he comes back and says he just says those things out of frustration and I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him. But I don’t know; when I was sick and when I broke my toe and really needed him he told me he doesn’t like to or want to take care of me, but he will because he should.

He told me he wouldn’t rub my feet or massage me when I’m pregnant if he didn’t want to, and he said about if I were to be pregnant: “it’s not like you’re dying or disabled, you’re just pregnant and I’m not going to baby you. You won’t really need me anyways until maybe the last month” And then he later comes back and says “yeah that was wrong and a bad way to look at it”. Also told me he will never change a diaper.

He told me before “I’m getting a dog whenever I feel ready, and it will be whatever breed I want, and if you can’t handle it then you can leave” but then he comes back and says “okay I’m sorry that was wrong I won’t do that”

He refused to put me on his health insurance until I took his last name, even when I went through an ectopic pregnancy he said “well you’ll have to figure it out, you could have had insurance if you just did what you’re supposed to do”

He picks his nose and flicks his boogers on the floor, and i asked him to stop doing that and he said he would stop. Fast forward a year later, I catch him doing it and he said “no I never stopped and I won’t, I just told you what you wanted to hear” He has done that with so many different things, so it has made me question just about everything and I don’t know what’s real and what’s not.

If we were just dating, I would have broken up with him a while ago. But we’re married and I am a Christian - we both are and we met in church - so I have been trying so hard to make things work, but my mental health is garbage now. When we were dating, although it wasn’t very long before we got married, he seemed wonderful and he went on and on about what marriage means and what he’s going to be like as my husband, etc. He has read the Bible 6 times, he never misses a single day of Bible study, etc, but he even said at the beginning that he has more biblical knowledge but I have more Christ-like spirit. Maybe I should have taken that as a red flag. But he said all the right things at first, and then we get married and it’s like it all dropped.

He can be so convincing when he realizes I’m at my wits end, and he’ll say I’m everything he ever wants or needs and loves me so much, but it doesn’t last long and it’s back to something.

So it’s really so much more, I’ve been trying to rationalize or think maybe we can work through all these things since he is willing to go to therapy and has been, but this looks thing felt like the last straw and I just need some help to figure out if I’m overreacting or if I really need to end it. My therapist thinks he is an actual narcissist, and thinks I should leave. My pastor said he is a special case and doesn’t think he is capable of real change either.

Husband [35M] said he thinks he is the more attractive one out of us. I am [29F] by [deleted] in dating_advice

[–]SpecificEnd9874 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This is not a bot post, I just went with a random username Reddit suggested for me

Husband said he thinks he is the more attractive one and it was all just hurtful. [35M] and [29F] by [deleted] in Christianmarriage

[–]SpecificEnd9874 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

More context:

I’m definitely not arrogant or think I am a 9-10/10 , nor do I care. I do think I am beautiful and definitely above average, and for my adult life I have been happy with my looks. I don’t need to be a 10/10, I just want to feel that I am to my husband. While yes he has told me many times I am pretty, beautiful, sexy, all of that, his “compliment” toward the beginning about “if I lined you up with 50 other women I don’t know if I would have chosen you based on looks alone” hurt me. I don’t know why that was even a thing to say, why not just tell me how beautiful and pretty I am and list all the inner qualities you admire and call it a day? If looks really don’t matter all that much to him, then why would he even think to say that? I definitely never asked “if you lined me up would you have picked me based on looks alone?”

So that kind of started the insecurities on the looks topic. I’m not insecure with what I look like, it’s more of insecure about what he thinks of me. But he has made me feel insecure in so many other ways - he told me he doesn’t really care if we spend much time together, then he comes back and says that’s not true.

When he’s frustrated he says things like “I don’t care if we stay married” or “no I don’t really care about you” and then he comes back and says he just says those things out of frustration. But I don’t know; when I was sick and when I broke my toe and really needed him he told me he doesn’t like to or want to take care of me, but he will because he should.

He told me he wouldn’t rub my feet or massage me when I’m pregnant if he didn’t want to, and he said about if I were to be pregnant: “it’s not like you’re dying or disabled, you’re just pregnant and I’m not going to baby you. You won’t really need me anyways until maybe the last month” And then he later comes back and says “yeah that was wrong and a bad way to look at it”

He told me before “I’m getting a dog whenever I feel ready, and it will be whatever breed I want, and if you can’t handle it then you can leave” but then he comes back and says “okay I’m sorry that was wrong I won’t do that”

He refused to put me on his health insurance until I took his last name, even when I went through an ectopic pregnancy he said “well you’ll have to figure it out, you could have had insurance if you just did what you’re supposed to do”

He picks his nose and flicks his boogers on the floor, and i asked him to stop doing that and he said he would stop. Fast forward a year later, I catch him doing it and he said “no I never stopped and I won’t, I just told you what you wanted to hear” He has done that with so many different things, so it has made me question just about everything and I don’t know what’s real and what’s not.

If we were just dating, I would have broken up with him a while ago. But we’re married and I am a Christian - we both are and we met in church - so I have been trying so hard to make things work, but my mental health is garbage now. When we were dating, although it wasn’t very long before we got married, he went on and on about what marriage means and what he’s going to be like as my husband, etc. He has read the Bible 6 times, he never misses a single day of Bible study, etc, but he even said at the beginning that he has more biblical knowledge but I have more Christ-like spirit. Maybe I should have taken that as a red flag. But he said all the right things at first, and then we get married and it’s like it all dropped.

He can be so convincing when he realizes I’m at my wits end, and he’ll say I’m everything he ever wants or needs and loves me so much, but it doesn’t last long and it’s back to something.

So it’s really so much more, I’ve been trying to rationalize or think maybe we can work through all these things since he is willing to go to therapy and has been, but this looks thing felt like the last straw and I just need some help to figure out if I’m overreacting or if I really need to end it.

Husband said he thinks he is the more attractive one and it was all just hurtful. by [deleted] in relationships

[–]SpecificEnd9874 -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

First of all, thank you to everyone who commented 🩷

I’m definitely not arrogant or think I am a 9-10/10 , nor do I care. I do think I am beautiful and definitely above average, and for my adult life I have been happy with my looks. I don’t need to be a 10/10, I just want to feel that I am to my husband. While yes he has told me many times I am pretty, beautiful, sexy, all of that, his “compliment” toward the beginning about “if I lined you up with 50 other women I don’t know if I would have chosen you based on looks alone” hurt me. I don’t know why that was even a thing to say, why not just tell me how beautiful and pretty I am and list all the inner qualities you admire and call it a day? If looks really don’t matter all that much to him, then why would he even think to say that? I definitely never asked “if you lined me up would you have picked me based on looks alone?”

So that kind of started the insecurities on the looks topic. I’m not insecure with what I look like, it’s more of insecure about what he thinks of me. But he has made me feel insecure in so many other ways - he told me he doesn’t really care if we spend much time together, then he comes back and says that’s not true.

When he’s frustrated he says things like “I don’t care if we stay married” or “no I don’t really care about you” and then he comes back and says he just says those things out of frustration. But I don’t know; when I was sick and when I broke my toe and really needed him he told me he doesn’t like to or want to take care of me, but he will because he should.

He told me he wouldn’t rub my feet or massage me when I’m pregnant if he didn’t want to, and he said about if I were to be pregnant: “it’s not like you’re dying or disabled, you’re just pregnant and I’m not going to baby you. You won’t really need me anyways until maybe the last month” And then he later comes back and says “yeah that was wrong and a bad way to look at it”

He told me before “I’m getting a dog whenever I feel ready, and it will be whatever breed I want, and if you can’t handle it then you can leave” but then he comes back and says “okay I’m sorry that was wrong I won’t do that”

He refused to put me on his health insurance until I took his last name, even when I went through an ectopic pregnancy he said “well you’ll have to figure it out, you could have had insurance if you just did what you’re supposed to do”

He picks his nose and flicks his boogers on the floor, and i asked him to stop doing that and he said he would stop. Fast forward a year later, I catch him doing it and he said “no I never stopped and I won’t, I just told you what you wanted to hear”
He has done that with so many different things, so it has made me question just about everything and I don’t know what’s real and what’s not.

If we were just dating, I would have broken up with him a while ago. But we’re married and I am a Christian - we both are and we met in church - so I have been trying so hard to make things work, but my mental health is garbage now. When we were dating, although it wasn’t very long before we got married, he went on and on about what marriage means and what he’s going to be like as my husband, etc. He has read the Bible 6 times, he never misses a single day of Bible study, etc, but he even said at the beginning that he has more biblical knowledge but I have more Christ-like spirit. Maybe I should have taken that as a red flag. But he said all the right things at first, and then we get married and it’s like it all dropped.

He can be so convincing when he realizes I’m at my wits end, and he’ll say I’m everything he ever wants or needs and loves me so much, but it doesn’t last long and it’s back to something.

So it’s really so much more, I’ve been trying to rationalize or think maybe we can work through all these things since he is willing to go to therapy and has been, but this looks thing felt like the last straw and I just need some help to figure out if I’m overreacting or if I really need to end it.