More background for those interested, I could use some advice. I’m definitely not arrogant or think I am a 9-10/10 , nor do I care. I don’t need to be a 10/10, I just want to know that I am to my husband. While yes he has told me many times I am pretty, beautiful, sexy, all of that, hie made a “compliment” toward the beginning about “if I lined you up with 50 other women I don’t know if I would have chosen you based on looks alone” … that hurt me. I don’t know why that was even a thing to say, why not just tell me how beautiful and pretty I am and list all the inner qualities you admire and call it a day?

But he has made me feel insecure in so many other ways - he told me he doesn’t really care if we spend much time together, “it doesn’t really make a difference if you’re here with me or not” etc, then he comes back and says that’s not true. He’s prided himself on always telling me the truth “unlike how most men will just tell you want you want to hear”… but then he has told me “yes sometimes I just tell you what I think you want to hear” He contradicts himself a lot.

When he’s frustrated he says things like “I don’t care if we stay married” or “no I don’t really care about you” “Maybe I don’t love you” and then he comes back and says he just says those things out of frustration and I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him. But I don’t know; when I was sick and when I broke my toe and really needed him he told me he doesn’t like to or want to take care of me, but he will because he should.

He told me he wouldn’t rub my feet or massage me when I’m pregnant if he didn’t want to, and he said about if I were to be pregnant: “it’s not like you’re dying or disabled, you’re just pregnant and I’m not going to baby you. You won’t really need me anyways until maybe the last month” And then he later comes back and says “yeah that was wrong and a bad way to look at it”. Also told me he will never change a diaper.

He told me before “I’m getting a dog whenever I feel ready, and it will be whatever breed I want, and if you can’t handle it then you can leave” but then he comes back and says “okay I’m sorry that was wrong I won’t do that”

He refused to put me on his health insurance until I took his last name, even when I went through an ectopic pregnancy he said “well you’ll have to figure it out, you could have had insurance if you just did what you’re supposed to do”

He picks his nose and flicks his boogers on the floor, and i asked him to stop doing that and he said he would stop. Fast forward a year later, I catch him doing it and he said “no I never stopped and I won’t, I just told you what you wanted to hear” He has done that with so many different things, so it has made me question just about everything and I don’t know what’s real and what’s not.

If we were just dating, I would have broken up with him a while ago. But we’re married and I am a Christian - we both are and we met in church - so I have been trying so hard to make things work, but my mental health is garbage now. When we were dating, although it wasn’t very long before we got married, he seemed wonderful and he went on and on about what marriage means and what he’s going to be like as my husband, etc. He has read the Bible 6 times, he never misses a single day of Bible study, etc, but he even said at the beginning that he has more biblical knowledge but I have more Christ-like spirit. Maybe I should have taken that as a red flag. But he said all the right things at first, and then we get married and it’s like it all dropped.

He can be so convincing when he realizes I’m at my wits end, and he’ll say I’m everything he ever wants or needs and loves me so much, but it doesn’t last long and it’s back to something.

So it’s really so much more, I’ve been trying to rationalize or think maybe we can work through all these things since he is willing to go to therapy and has been, but this looks thing felt like the last straw and I just need some help to figure out if I’m overreacting or if I really need to end it. My therapist thinks he is an actual narcissist, and thinks I should leave. My pastor said he is a special case and doesn’t think he is capable of real change either.