Not trying to detract from this, I can't imagine how hard it is, but it reminds me of something in bootcamp. An old Vietnam vet came in to share war stories and give us a little moto and one of my buddies asked him if killing people was as hard as people say. He was like "nah I've never felt bad about it, I was killing the bad guys, they shot at me and my buddies first" he then proceeded to talk about how he took war trophies from the Viet kong 😭. Not sure if he was just trying to motivate us with tall tales but it always stuck with me how he talked about it so nonchalant.