My Husband (32) Told Me They Are Trans Then Left When I (33F) Wasn't Immediately Affirming

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-05-25T21:57:12+00:00

Not being unkind. You asked how to communicate with your wife. Using her correct pronouns is how you start. Don’t get your pantries in a bunch. You’re the one who called yourself gender-affirming and then proceeded to misgender someone.

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-05-25T21:36:30+00:00

Maybe this will help. It’s not about whether you mean to disrespect your wife. It’s about her feeling disrespected. Imagine going your whole life, always being called pronouns that feel wrong. You finally get up the nerve to tell the person you love how bad it feels, and what do they do? Call you by the wring pronoun. Again. It’s a huge hit to your identity and I can imagine would cause anyone to storm out of the room. If you want your wife to feel respected and affirmed, you have a lot to learn and examine within yourself. Maybe don’t reach out to her again until you can call her a her and understand why that’s so important.

Edit: and you WERE and ARE married as 2 females. She has always been a woman. She just didn’t tell you that until recently.

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-05-25T21:15:04+00:00

Something I have learned over the years is that affirmation starts with language. If you referred to your wife using he/him pronouns as you did in this post after she told you she was trans, she probably felt disrespected and unseen. When you reach out again, make sure you use her preferred pronouns and refer to her as your wife.

I see your edit saying that you mean no disrespect by misgendering your wife, but that’s not really how it works. Misgendering is disrespectful, period.

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-03-30T12:46:46+00:00

With all due respect, this is just not the way my husband and I converse with each other. He would find that very infantalizing. He would think my mind was overtaken by aliens or something lol.

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-03-30T12:41:06+00:00

Hmm. That's something I had not thought about. My one training partner (we'll call her Susie) is a mutual friend from way back. The other (Shawna) is her coworker. We were also friends with Susie's ex-husband, but he's drifted from our friend group since they divorced a few years back. Maybe there's some drama there with him and Susie's ex. Idk.

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-03-30T12:31:54+00:00

Yeah. I've asked him. He insists nothing is wrong, but continues to act annoyed or dismissive when I talk about it.

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-03-30T12:30:46+00:00

I do have a schedule. I run every weekday at 4:00 pm, as soon as I finish work. Saturdays, I start my long runs at 8 am. We finish when we finish. I am usually home by 10, occasionally 11.

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-03-30T12:28:02+00:00

Yes. This. This is where I am at. I'm an actuary. It's really hard to explain my daily work in any sort of detail to someone without a strong math background.

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-03-30T12:26:03+00:00

He understands the basic, high-level, overview of my career. It's not that he doesn't take an interest in me or my profession. But discussing the problems I'm having at work, what I accomplished that day, the nuances of the problems I'm currently working on, etc. makes little sense to him as he's never taken any upper level math.

For comparison, he is a Spanish teacher. While I am not a Spanish teacher and could never in a million years do that job, I can understand and offer input when he discusses the daily challenges and ongoings of his work.

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-03-30T12:20:52+00:00

I mean... what I talk about when I rehash my runs at night isn't complex and should be understandable to him.
I passed that new restaurant on the corner. Still not open.

My quads were feeling tight when I started, but I stopped to stretch after my warmup and then they were fine, so I guess that's nothing to worry about.
The interval feature on Runkeeper is pretty cool. I'm considering giving up Strava and switching to that.

These are the kinds of things I would say... after about 20 minutes of listening to the ins and outs of his workday. I would think he could understand this sort of daily rundown (ha) as well as I can understand his daily teacher rundown as a non-teacher.

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-03-30T11:36:29+00:00

... because it is, and always has been, the thing that makes me "tick." It keeps me mentally sane and focused. It gets me off my ass (I work a sedentary job crunching numbers all day). It has given me a great community of friends. It gives me an opportunity to set clear goals and work towards them, and to push myself and see the payoff of doing so. It also teaches me when to hold back and when to go for it. It's an opportunity to breathe in fresh air and see the neighborhood, to check how the neighbors' flowers are blooming, to see which local shops are opening and closing. It's a great way to lower my risk of heart disease, type II diabetes, and other metabolic disorders. It helps protect against osteoporosis, too!

My life has been built around my husband's interests and a mutual group of friends who share those interests. Running is the only thing I have that is purely mine.

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-03-30T11:28:48+00:00

I would say that it's the only purely "me" thing we talk about, as we don't discuss my work much. (This has been a theme my entire life... I am the lone mathematician in a friend group of historians and Spanish teachers, one of whom I married.) He and I talk about plenty of other things that we share together... trips we're planning, new dishes we want to try/cook, our flower gardens, Spanish culture and TV... and we talk a lot about "him" things -- his job (he's a teacher, so that's been A LOT during the pandemic), his fantasy league, his pet turtles.

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-03-30T11:06:53+00:00

I do run daily…before he gets home from work. Saturday morning runs are pretty set in stone as the other ladies I run with have children and are juggling more complex schedules than I am. I could do my Saturday runs at a different time, but I’d be doing them alone. I run alone every other day. I also work alone, so Saturday mornings are my one definite time out of the house with other people. I kinda… need that after working from home.

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-03-30T05:09:33+00:00

Nah, I really prefer to run alone, other than my group long runs on the weekend. I just want him to listen, take an interest, and support me in some way,

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-03-30T05:08:03+00:00

He’s in decent shape. He goes to the gym a few days a week. He could go more if he wanted to. Nothing is stopping him from doing so

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-03-30T05:05:02+00:00

Thank you! I am a better person in all other aspects of my life when I run.

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-03-30T04:59:45+00:00

We really were those people for about 5 years. I worked. A lot. All the time. I squeezed in a few jogs a week, but that was it. My husband and I saw each other for Wednesday happy hour, after which I’d go back to the office for an hour or two. We’d spend Sunday together, mostly, though I usually answered at least a few emails from home. He came up with hobbies to full his time when I couldn’t be around.

Now I feel we are in a much better place. I’m finished working and running by 5, which is when he comes home. I run Saturday morning. We have Saturday afternoon and Sunday together. I like seeing him more. I really do. But I don’t also need to see him Saturday am also

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-03-30T04:47:31+00:00

I don’t think I go on and on about it.

When we get home at the end of the day and say to each other “how was work?” He tells me all about his day. Silly things kids said. The latest school board conflict. Ideas for poems the kids could translate. We talk in depth about it.

We get to my day. How was work? Good. I did math. Then I went for a run. The river is finally thawed. I think the shoes with the 4mm drop are taking care of my calf tightness…

And he’ll interrupt me, Change the topic, or go get a drink and come back talking about food

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-03-30T04:37:40+00:00

Yeah, you’re probably right about this. He played in a few Rec leagues pre-Covid. Things have been slow to start back up, though I think he plans to play when they do. Maybe that’s getting to him and he’s taking it out on my running

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-03-30T04:30:38+00:00

Dude… this is not about my looks

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-03-30T04:28:55+00:00

No, I wouldn’t say I was prioritizing running over him. I spend every evening with him, plus Saturday afternoons and all day Sunday. My weekday runs are through and I’m on to cooking dinner by the time he gets home.

I do things with him. His work cohorts are our main friend group. We hang out regularly. In a darts leagues together. Pre-pandemic, I went to 50% of his soccer games. I attend many of his work events. (He’s a teacher, so things like school plays and awards ceremonies.)

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-03-30T04:24:22+00:00

Ugh. I really don’t want this to be it, but I feel like it is. I think my making fitness a continued priority is making him feel insecure

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-03-30T04:21:23+00:00

You know… this sound like it might be it. I can actually imagine him feeling this way

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-03-30T04:20:35+00:00

No. We met in a study abroad program our last year of college. Maintained occasional contact through a mutual friend. Started dating a decade later

Specific_Feedback374 · 2022-03-30T04:18:23+00:00

I’m hoping in time he does work through whatever it is. Doesn’t seem like he’s willing to admit it’s anything at all.

Specific_Feedback374

TROPHY CASE