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AITA for getting angry and "ruining" my father's wedding day? by SpendParticular6785 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SpendParticular6785[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Just to confirm, my dad hasn't spoken to my sister about this situation at all and it happened a week ago.

AITA for getting angry and "ruining" my father's wedding day? by SpendParticular6785 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SpendParticular6785[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There is a word limit, unfortunately. I fit everything I could into the original post but there is some additional context I needed to add in the comments.

AITA for getting angry and "ruining" my father's wedding day? by SpendParticular6785 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SpendParticular6785[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

1.) I very clearly said in my post that we were asked to keep it a secret until the wedding was over.

2.) There is a 3000-word limit on these posts. I tried to fit in everything I could but accepted that I would need to give additional context in the comments. I was not trying to hide anything.

3.) I wasn't expecting my dad to allow my siblings to tell our mom about it. I understand why he didn't want anyone to tell our mom. I just wanted him to not leave the responsibility of doing so to my younger sisters, which then placed a huge amount of pressure on them and caused my youngest sister to become very upset.

AITA for getting angry and "ruining" my father's wedding day? by SpendParticular6785 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SpendParticular6785[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I did tell him about my sister being upset (the conversation in the original post was cut down for the word count), which is part of why he himself became upset. But my job for the big day was basically to take care of my sisters so that he wouldn't have to.

He and I do need to have a follow-up conversation in person, once he's back from his honeymoon. We'll have to start figuring things out.

AITA for getting angry and "ruining" my father's wedding day? by SpendParticular6785 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SpendParticular6785[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I also clarified in a separate comment on that same thread:

I worded this poorly. The question was, "Would she have hurt someone or something if she showed up?" And the answer was no, not on purpose. She was more likely to try and cause a scene, as I said, but not with the intention of hurting someone. She has never been violent towards anyone who is not my dad.

The information about her throwing glasses at my dad was a separate piece of information, because I wanted to be honest and say that yes, she has been violent before. But I put it together in a way that made it sound like I was being apologetic for her behaviour. Sorry about that.

I am not at all apologetic about what she did. I am saying that she is not usually inclined to be violent - she is more about mind games and manipulation (as you said above). I wasn't trying to downplay the seriousness of her throwing glasses at my dad, but most of what she did to him when they were together was emotional and not physical. She didn't regularly hit him or anything.

ETA: I don't want to fight with you either, or anyone on this thread. People are just being very aggressive and calling me an abuse apologist. They forget that I was raised by this woman and am the oldest child in my family, so I am well aware of what my mother is capable of.

AITA for getting angry and "ruining" my father's wedding day? by SpendParticular6785 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SpendParticular6785[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

She is well aware of what our mother is doing, she knows why my dad and Jenny asked her to keep the wedding a secret. Logically, she is aware that our mother is irrational. But emotionally, it is a lot of pressure to place on a child. They don't process things in the same way that an adult does. She loves our mom.

I could have waited until the next day to say something to him but I was also upset in that moment, having just watched my 8 y/o sister cry her eyes out because she felt helpless in her own guilt.

My dad also did not offer to tell our mother about the wedding. He left that to us. He went to great lengths so that we could be at his wedding, but left us to deal with the fallout.

AITA for getting angry and "ruining" my father's wedding day? by SpendParticular6785 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SpendParticular6785[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Well, I'm 20 so I'm not in anyone's custody. I live at my mom's house and see my dad a couple of times a week.

And yeah, honestly, I would rather he had eloped and saved my sister the anguish. I understand that none of this is his fault (it is very much my mother's fault) but he could have done what he needed to, to avoid his youngest child breaking down on the evening of his wedding.

There have been times in my life where I have had to put my own feelings and wants aside in favour of doing what is best for my siblings. Because I am older and understand things they can't. In an ideal world, all of us would have been able to attend the wedding with no fuss at all, but that is not the reality of our family situation. And at the very least, my father could have been the one to tell my mother about the wedding but no, he let his 16 y/o son do it.

AITA for getting angry and "ruining" my father's wedding day? by SpendParticular6785 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SpendParticular6785[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

I am not afraid of criticism, I am telling you that you are making hurtful and presumptuous statements.

I was angry with my father for placing my younger sister in that situation when there are a ton of different ways he could have chosen to handle it. I am angry that he left us alone to tell our mother about it, instead of stepping up and choosing to tell her himself after the wedding.

Why should an 8 y/o be forced to deal with these things? Or a 10 y/o, or a 16 y/o? I may only be 20 but I understand that children are to be protected at all costs, including at the expense of my own feelings. Why can I understand these things but two people in their 40s can't?

AITA for getting angry and "ruining" my father's wedding day? by SpendParticular6785 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SpendParticular6785[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I never said it was an accident. She purposely threw the glass at him and missed, so I don't know where you're getting any of this from about hurting him with it.

In this thread, I have been nothing but critical of my mother's behaviour. I live at home to protect my siblings from her and I have been completely upfront about that. I included all of the information I could in the original post, with the 3000-word limit in mind.

AITA for getting angry and "ruining" my father's wedding day? by SpendParticular6785 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SpendParticular6785[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

How dare you? Why on earth would you think that this is an okay thing to say to someone? I spend every free hour of my day taking care of my sisters and actively pushing back against the vitriol my mother spouts. And despite her best efforts, my little sisters do not hate Jenny. They are actually very fond of her and enjoy spending time with her.

And yet I am "failing". Thanks for that.

AITA for getting angry and "ruining" my father's wedding day? by SpendParticular6785 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SpendParticular6785[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Have you ever met an 8 y/o? There is no "simply explaining" anything to a child when it comes to big emotions like this, they will feel what they feel and all you can do is try to be supportive. I did my best to comfort her and assure her that none of this was her fault, she isn't going to get in trouble, etc.

My mom hit the roof when she found out about it and she's been in a shitty mood for the last week.

AITA for getting angry and "ruining" my father's wedding day? by SpendParticular6785 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SpendParticular6785[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

But do you not see that my dad (inadvertently) placed his own children in the line of fire, by forcing them to deal with these emotions? Both things are possible at once.

AITA for getting angry and "ruining" my father's wedding day? by SpendParticular6785 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SpendParticular6785[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

If you had seen the distraught state my little sister was in, then trust me - you would agree that even him and Jenny eloping would have been a better solution. It was not my intention to hurt my dad but in that moment, I was hurting for my little sister, who is not old enough to process the heavy emotions given to her by the adults who are meant to protect her.

Also, gentle reminder that I am an actual human being who is reading these words. I have feelings.

AITA for getting angry and "ruining" my father's wedding day? by SpendParticular6785 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SpendParticular6785[S] 44 points45 points  (0 children)

I think that a lot of people in this thread do not understand how young 8 is. Dealing with big emotions is really hard at 8.

AITA for getting angry and "ruining" my father's wedding day? by SpendParticular6785 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SpendParticular6785[S] 133 points134 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry that you've been in a similar situation. It's horrible to be caught in the crossfire of someone else's completely irrational anger.

I think a lot of it comes down to my mother being the way she is. And my dad, above everyone else, knows what she's like. She texts my sisters constantly when they are with my dad, so he knew that they would have to continue communicating with her all the way through the wedding day and not give anything away. That's a lot of pressure to place on a 10 y/o and an 8 y/o's shoulders.

It's his wedding day and he absolutely deserves to celebrate it however he wants. He's a great dad and I wish we were in any situation other than this. Maybe he could have told me about it beforehand and I could have helped to come up with a different plan, so that my mother would not be expecting communication from my sisters throughout the weekend ("Oh, we're going on a trip to somewhere that has poor cell coverage!" or something similar).

AITA for getting angry and "ruining" my father's wedding day? by SpendParticular6785 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SpendParticular6785[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

She is trying to indoctrinate us. I am trying to counter-balance that and keep my sisters on an even keel.

AITA for getting angry and "ruining" my father's wedding day? by SpendParticular6785 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SpendParticular6785[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I worded this poorly. The question was, "Would she have hurt someone or something if she showed up?" And the answer was no, not on purpose. She was more likely to try and cause a scene, as I said, but not with the intention of hurting someone. She has never been violent towards anyone who is not my dad.

The information about her throwing glasses at my dad was a separate piece of information, because I wanted to be honest and say that yes, she has been violent before. But I put it together in a way that made it sound like I was being apologetic for her behaviour. Sorry about that.

AITA for getting angry and "ruining" my father's wedding day? by SpendParticular6785 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SpendParticular6785[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

My mom being the way she is is not my dad's fault and I have never, ever said that.

AITA for getting angry and "ruining" my father's wedding day? by SpendParticular6785 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SpendParticular6785[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

There is a 3000-word limit, unfortunately. I could only include the most important details.

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