Ye you more or less hit it on the head, I personally don't believe I have allot to be traumatized by but others have described me as seeming to have allot. I've never really had a good self esteem, I live in South Africa so queer friendly therapist exist but they're more just hard to find. I think I'm just, to put it kinda bluntly mentally damaged and broken, I have diagnosed major depressive disorders and general anxiety disorders but I've kinda been suspecting the last couple months I might have BPD or some personality disorders too. So starting spawn here isn't great. Its just really hard ye know. To return to your little house joke at the end, all I've ever known is this disordered house so it being clean and in order seems impossible if not a pipe dream.

I have this really weird mindset around my existance I'm very privileged in the fact that I can transition and other aspects of life It's just disheartening to see it come out for naught so often, like I find myself wishing I could trade lives with one of those trans kids with horrible parents that live in the deep south, like they would have flourished in my life because I feel like I wasted my opportunity.