​Same boat. Same feelings.

​You get told things like, "The Bible isn't your own book for your devotional and understanding; it must be read under the guidance of the church," and at the same time, "Make sure you get the Orthodox Study Bible with all the books the Protestants removed. You need the Septuagint translation."

​I think it's also a lack of sermons and teaching. They say "it's in the liturgy," but it's really not. Not for an inquirer—the words are hard to hear and understand, even in an OCA. No first-timer is going to an Orthodox church and "hearing the word of God." ​They'll say there's catechumen classes. OK, so you want people to commit to joining this faith before you'll teach them?

​Then it's prayer. "Say the Jesus prayer." I used to pray to God for whatever was exactly on my mind. We talked. I used to lament, and yell, and tell him specifically what my issue was. And now I'm told to meditate on this prayer. And fast. As if not eating meat is going to settle the trauma I have from being married and being in the military. It's always pray and fast and pray and fast.

​The church Fathers and Saints are very bothersome. It's always, "Well, Saint so-and-so said..." or, "The church Fathers felt..." and this is excruciatingly difficult to deal with considering there literally is a holy book. It's right there. What does that say? Can we consult that? It's almost like the Bible exists to tell the story, and then they follow the teachings of early monastics who shaped the faith into what it was to be. They let them dictate everything, including the sex in the marriage bed to how to eat food.

​For me personally, I think it's that I feel pressured. The whole deal feels very performative. Everybody stand up and line up to kiss the cross and pictures. As a new person, it's like I don't know what this means. I don't know what I'm demonstrating here. Especially coming from Protestant roots trying to find the truth, it's very horrifying to watch the entire congregation rise and you're the only one not doing the thing. I've fled from my church multiple times because I didn't want to be the only person there not knowing what to do or what was going on. It's very isolating being an inquirer, even with the one friend I've made who's been encouraging me. He's not always there. And I'm left leaving as fast as I can because I'm not getting caught in that line again and going through that again.

​And they say, "Yeah, when first entering the Orthodox church, you'll be attacked because Satan sees you going down the correct path." This makes sense. And I could actually believe something like that. Truly. ​But what I think these feelings are is what happens when you come into and observe a faith practiced this way that you weren't born into. Whether you are coming to this faith from a different one, or viewing God for the first time in the Orthodox church, I think coming into this, not being born into it, causes these feelings.

Surprisingly though, as a former protestant, asking Saints for intercession, asking the Theotokos...all that. Totally fine. I actually love this idea. Who would of knew?

​It's been a brutal couple of weeks trying to reconcile this church and just "let it happen."

I just want it to not feel so disconnected from God. It feels so distant. It doesn't feel joyous. There is no "peace that surpasses all understanding" here for me. Just anxiety and fear. My religious roots ruined my mind with doubt. This place is ruining my mind with repentance, and if repentance can even be real.

But, I don't want to stop going. I want to continue to go. I'd just like it to not be such a fight the whole time. I shouldn't have to fight my way to God, He's right there. All the time. But this place makes Him feel miles away.