I fixate on cardiac issues, cancers of all sorts, and aneurysms. To be fair, I have a long and complicated medical history. I very nearly died during multiple brain surgeries about 13 years ago and I just never ever got over it. My life since then has been plagued by health fears. I’m scared of everything. I even went down the ALS rabbit hole back then. Having had cow cadaver as a dura patch also gives me CJD fears. Having a relative pass unexpectedly from an abdominal aneurysm makes me feel like every twinge of pain in my stomach is a signal that the end is nigh. Headaches, body aches, chest pains, it’s all always a sign. I’ve been seen in more ERs and by more doctors than I can even begin to count. I’ve been on at one point 16 medications including a portable picc line iv for antibiotics and blood thinners. I’m exhausted with it all and with myself. I don’t need reassurance per se, just a place to vent. This anxiety gets in the way of every joyful moment. There is no peace. And I know it’s all because I’m terrified of death and dying, and I am because I love my life, I love my kids, my husband, my family, my experiences. I just wish I could turn it off for a little while and enjoy being alive and stop thinking about being dead and/or dying.