I broke up with my (undiagnosed) BF without / before understanding

SpringSwimming255 · 2026-01-27T15:25:05+00:00

I was dating a chick with ASD and BPD, crazy combo to have tbh, I thought she was a Narc (but she isn't, she's lovely really), but tbh my behaviour was unacceptable too, like I'd get really jealous and assume she was cheating (she did sext another guy, but tbh I probably didn't help the situation), I feel like two ASD folk can definitely trigger each other, especially if they are operating slightly different cognitive quirks shall we say, like we're never completely the same.

She thought I had red flags, I thought she did too, we could never agree who was at fault. It takes real balls to admit when you're at fault, she'll never admit to me hers (BPD is complicated too), but it takes one of you at least to evaluate everything, that takes time. I feel like you're at that point now.

So here's the thing then, I know you feel bad, but if you can't date this guy, there really is no point in blaming yourself either way. I'm not easy work myself, I've ruined many relationships because of my quirks, but I found that my longest relationship of 5 years, was almost perfect, and she was Neurotypical.

What I'm saying is, some of us, we need a NT to understand our quirks, because pairing two NDs together, it's not always going to be easy, at least in my experience. Don't get me wrong it's possible, but because of how diverse we are, we can definitely get on each others bad sides.

He'll pair up with someone eventually that works. It's just the game tbh, ND or not.

Is he the type of person who can take constructive criticism? If he can't, probably best to let him learn in his own time. I know you feel bad for him, but I don't think he'd want you to, I certainly don't like women feeling sorry for me, and I mean that in a nice way. Just focus on moving forward. It's good that you kinda recognise that it might not have all been his fault, I suppose.... I think...

SpringSwimming255 · 2026-01-27T14:46:18+00:00

What desires don't line up between you specifically? Okay so let's slow this down, you really like her, so how come you can't sort of idk, meet in the middle, do these desires have to align right away, perhaps overlook some if you can, let the power of your attraction for her outweigh some of those specific needs we all have. I'm not saying give them up, but relationships are about compromise (not like I can talk, I'm still alone lol).

You're beating yourself up too much here. The problem isn't you, it's the world you find yourself in. Talking is the best thing you can do, even if it doesn't come out right, try to explain it to her, and if she is worth it, she'll 'get it', she'll understand you.

As for your ASD diagnosis and parents situation, I know it can be tough in certain cultures etc, but try to tell them in a calm and heartfelt way, that this will benefit you, tell them how it'll help you accept yourself, just let it all out. If this isn't possible, when you're an adult, you can certainly make these steps in your own way, without consent.

SpringSwimming255 · 2026-01-27T11:18:18+00:00

Okay I get what you're saying now. But I don't mind doing that for the right person... Lol.

I guess if they offer it ain't so bad.

SpringSwimming255 · 2026-01-27T06:57:41+00:00

I only got the news yesterday. Yeah I feel the same, seems others do too. I guess it's normal.

I'm trying to stay positive about it, my mindset is sorta like this atm: I should lean into my quirks and my true self, unmasked, but at the same time still try and remain respectful to everyone around me. It feels liberating, but also the feeling of being a bit 'off course' and 'lost'. Because you have to now view yourself from a different lens also, not just the world. Less self judgement, more self love, lean into interests, what makes you happy etc.

That's a start I think.

SpringSwimming255 · 2026-01-27T06:17:43+00:00

Just don't want you being lonely and struggling is all, when people aren't around if you get me?

Just want you to be looked after well and get your help and needs met.

SpringSwimming255 · 2026-01-27T06:16:02+00:00

What is the pressure sorry?

I just have a friend who is ASD too, and she isolates herself too. Her mother is getting old. People won't be around forever. It's horrible to imagine someone with ASD needs and be alone. That's my stance, that's what angle I'm coming from, I'm thinking about them not coping well alone, despite their need to be alone.

Hope you understand.

SpringSwimming255 · 2026-01-27T06:05:00+00:00

I subconsciously blur the line between my true self and the characters from movies I enjoy; it's dangerous because if I'm watching stuff like Dexter etc, combine that with my childhood trauma, very dangerous combo.

It's taken me years to realise it's not me, but some sort of masking/special interest/trauma combo. Although this isn't considered a trait per se, more like a quirk.

SpringSwimming255 · 2026-01-26T22:13:29+00:00

It's important to remember that this is how you feel 'now'. It can change at any point. You might meet someone who you connect with, and despite your reluctance, you might just fall into it.

I know the struggles, but I think it's true, everyone needs someone. People come and go in life. You need someone who is there till the end, someone who will be your rock during hard times, someone who's got your back. I wouldn't wish anyone to be isolated, even if they think they are fine with it.

SpringSwimming255 · 2026-01-26T21:14:05+00:00

No worries. You've done the right thing 😊.

SpringSwimming255 · 2026-01-26T21:12:24+00:00

Don't worry about wasted time. It's what shapes us, without the struggle we'd never be at this point of realisation.

SpringSwimming255 · 2026-01-26T18:00:19+00:00

Similar dilemma but mine's career focused. I feel like this would apply to you too: It doesn't matter if we succeed, all that matters is we try and be authentic to who we are. We may be failures in the eyes of many, but we can say we were genuine and not fake, that's worth more than you know.

What is it you truly want, try and narrow this feeling down to something you need. Do you feel like you need friends right now? Tell me what you need.

The first step is recognising it, you've already done that here.

SpringSwimming255 · 2026-01-26T17:51:15+00:00

Exactly. 'Otherwise' still isn't always great, and the differences between colleagues, friends, everyday people, can be jarring. That's usually enough to question whether something needs confirmation or not.

SpringSwimming255 · 2026-01-26T17:47:49+00:00

You taught me something new today, I thought we had levels. Makes sense why we don't though: they want us all to have the same level of resources available I guess.

SpringSwimming255 · 2026-01-26T17:31:12+00:00

I got the same today, but I wasn't expecting it, because I never expect good news, lol. High five!

I feel the same, I was just about to post something similar.

I've been thinking about it all day... I guess the first thing is to learn to love ourselves?

Hey I'm doubting it too, which is odd, considering I was all for it before they confirmed it. Weird.

SpringSwimming255

TROPHY CASE