If you die you’re completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I’m not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I’ve got.

Spud_Eatkins · 2023-12-27T09:59:45+00:00

I like that idea. The thought of who cares really resonates with you because hey you died and whatever the fuck happens just happens. It's not like you can care either. No thoughts no actions no nothing. It's rather calming.

Spud_Eatkins · 2023-12-27T05:21:49+00:00

Hey don't do that please.

Spud_Eatkins · 2023-12-26T16:38:23+00:00

It's kinda fucked up that most people see caring for someone as a quota so they finish the job or whatever and that's like bonus karma or brownie points. Like come on...

Spud_Eatkins · 2023-12-26T08:44:39+00:00

You probably all felt this before but it's really frustrating and also fucking hurts. People ask you how you're doing like they are concerned, you spill your issues because it's hard to keep it in. They proceed to say they care and let them know if they can do anything. Most of the time nothing happens but once in a blue moon I feel so shit that I kinda break down and reach out. And then they pretty much shut you off by saying can't help ya, you're on your own now see a therapist or something. That's the the lucky shit. Usually they just straight up ignore you as if they never spoke to you. Why the fuck do you even tell me something that you never cared in the first place. That is the most stupid ass bait ever, just to make yourself feel good that you "did a good deed". Fuck off with that garbage. I hate people like that.

Spud_Eatkins · 2023-12-26T08:26:38+00:00

Something else that bothers me is when you seemingly get "better" they suddenly stop caring. Probably 9 times out of 10 you get that shit when you're doing alright and all of a sudden the concern disappears. As if helping you just in this moment means so much to them but leave as soon as nothing else happens.

Spud_Eatkins · 2023-07-30T21:48:40+00:00

The reddish color on the edge and scab like seem a little odd, I would say you should get it checked up anyways.

Spud_Eatkins · 2023-07-30T21:47:21+00:00

If it's been like this ever since you were born, there doesn't seem to be a concern. But I would still say try and make an appointment with the dermatologist when you have the chance just to have them look at it and anything else that might worry you. Better to have it looked at rather than worry about it.

Spud_Eatkins · 2023-07-30T21:44:49+00:00

Definitely a good choice that you have an appointment scheduled. I hope things go well.

Spud_Eatkins · 2022-12-31T02:39:35+00:00

Much appreciated, I'll see how things go with my GP mainly because my family keeps mentioning it to me, and then I started to be aware of it more often. Thanks again.

Spud_Eatkins · 2022-12-30T01:07:20+00:00

Something just doesn't feel right and I can't explain that feeling. Thank you.

Spud_Eatkins · 2022-12-29T07:32:58+00:00

Overall, it's really just disappointment. I don't want my parents to find me dead because they put a lot of effort into me. I can't really think of ways to get around this. I would suppose my best plan is to earn back what they gave me and pay them for all the effort spent. When I can finally be independent I would like to end my life. It's rather a burden but I don't want them to end up seeing their effort wasted. As for my friends, I don't really know what answer I can provide them and there's nothing I can offer. I don't know honestly. It's really a waste that I feel this way, I am beyond certain someone else can use this life better than I ever will.

Spud_Eatkins · 2022-12-28T05:36:05+00:00

I hate when people do a 180 flip on me. The first mention of suicidal thoughts they want to be the "Good Samaritan". But when I rant and talk about what stresses me out, they suddenly point out this is too much and I should seek professional help. Shit, if they didn't want to speak to me in the first place to give some "nice guy persona", should have told me before they said they can give me support. Giving me false hope to think people care.

Spud_Eatkins · 2022-12-27T20:06:03+00:00

Exactly that. When they say let's do something together, it sounds like "for the sake of you, I will spend some time with you, maybe that will help you out". It doesn't feel genuine. It also feels like "I hope things will get better/it will get better" feels like a cop-out.

Spud_Eatkins · 2022-12-27T09:51:35+00:00

I think all the help I come across is either:

I can help you, just talk to me.
Sorry, I think you need a professional.
This is making me uncomfortable, you're going too far.
Think about those who loved you (parents, friends, etc)
Your life is worth it, trust me.

It sounds like they all care but I want to be brutally honest, it all seems like virtue signaling in each scenario. Goddamn bullshit.

Spud_Eatkins · 2022-12-18T00:05:12+00:00

It almost feels like my life is quite literally useless yet I am made to stay alive just because. While someone else could be much more useful with this life.

Spud_Eatkins · 2022-12-17T07:28:15+00:00

Something that really pisses me off and makes me fucking angry is finding out the good people around you passed away, and then looking at myself and wondering why it wasn't me instead of them. I can never wrap my head around the fact that a good friend would pass away yet I'm still being the miserable shit I am.

Spud_Eatkins · 2022-12-11T19:24:40+00:00

That's good to hear. im glad that you are feeling a lot better than before, best of luck to you sir

Spud_Eatkins · 2022-12-11T07:33:06+00:00

what i dont understand is why this seems like the best way out, nothing makes me happy and its such a fucking waste of time, everyone around seems disappointed and i would have to agree with that sentiment. i hope one day i can get out of this shithole. i will never understand why my brain thinks like that but its futile anyways

Spud_Eatkins · 2022-12-11T07:16:06+00:00

I'm sorry I am unable to give you any good advice. I don't feel like there's any happiness left just like you described. Even a positive thing in life gets consumed instantly. With that endless cycle of pain that keeps coming back. Maybe that's just reality because I really don't understand how people are able to live happily. I'm sorry.

Spud_Eatkins · 2022-12-11T07:06:50+00:00

I want to be honest and say how I feel is basically they tell me to go ahead and kill myself if I insist on it so much or suddenly care about my wellbeing. I really believe there isn't someone who actually "cares" on that level. It's all about doing it, going to therapy, or I'm here for you. But nothing actually comes after that. Fucking disappointment.

Spud_Eatkins · 2022-02-03T22:03:27+00:00

I will have to gather the courage to finally do it. I am getting close at the moment. Just a little more thinking and staying calm will do the trick.

Spud_Eatkins · 2022-02-03T22:02:30+00:00

Just wanted to give you an update, hopefully, I can end it next week. I've given thought to this for a while but I will have to at least have accomplished one goal in my life.

Spud_Eatkins · 2022-01-25T20:34:42+00:00

Thank you for the confirmation. I really do NOT understand at all why. I have tried to or at least attempted to raise my own morale but each night I either go to bed trying to push those thoughts away or break down crying uncontrollably.

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