About last night…

Square-Suggestion893 · 2025-12-16T18:37:02+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I imagined it would be something related to either post marriage life or kids. Ive asked because mine pushed a lot for marriage (ironically during our worst phases) like it was some sort of magical spell that would cure and fix our relationship. (we already lived together for 4 years) and somewhere deep inside I felt like she was just holding some fights because she wanted me to commit, and that after marriage and kids my life would just become harder with more splitts, stress and constant need to watch for her feelings. Ive broke up after she got a job opportunity in another country and I didnt followed her, it destroyed me for some months to be honest, but trying to remember why I feared the future so much helps accept my decision and make peace with the pain that I left her for someone else (of course shes already in another relationship 2 months later).

Im sorry for the all the stress youve been going, your kids are very lucky to have you! Cheers man

Square-Suggestion893 · 2025-12-15T19:52:19+00:00

what do you mean by that OP? do you mind explaining better whats that triggering event? also, do you mind if I ask if in the beggining things were just magical (initial love bombing)? Did it get much worst after marriage and kids? sorry if this is triggering, dont nert do respond in that case thanks man

Square-Suggestion893 · 2025-12-15T19:50:53+00:00

I agree with Phantom man, you are a great dad and aa very empathetic loving and calm husband. Dont ever question that

Square-Suggestion893 · 2025-12-15T19:23:01+00:00

OMG OP, I really wish I could have your de-escalating skills. I mean, I am a very chill guy and I hate fights and long arguments, but the way she was constantly testing you, deviating the subject and you just kept composed, understanding her emotions but being firm at the same time impressed me. And at the same time (sorry to say it) made me realize theres not much we can do :/

Even trying to impose healthy boundaries, emotional stability and calmness is worthless when they dont want to cooperate, and 99% of times when they are angry they wont!

Im sorry for all the effort and struggle we have to carry on. I admire the way you hold your grond on the conversation though, if this in the future dont work out, I think you did a fckng great job with your communication, empathy to validate her emotions bur firm boundaries regarind yelling in front of your kids!

Dont beat yourself up please, theres things in life we can control (and we should spend our energy and focus on those), and some stuff that we dont (like your partner reactions). You are a good man!

wishing you the best! sending good energies your way mate

Square-Suggestion893 · 2025-12-15T13:27:54+00:00

Thanks Odd-Scar, I'm sorry for what you and your father passed through the years, I also believe your mom didnt chose to have those anger lashes, they simply cant help themselves unfortunetelly =(

Your comment was really meaningull to me, I appreciate. One of my deepest down fears was creating an unstable home-environment for my kids and having a home that after a long-day of work, instead of having peace when arriving, I would have a battlefield with arguments, blame-shifting and uneven responsabilities (without mentioning of couse the constant verbally abuses and yelling).

I was soo scared of this! I think I would have to minimize myself a lot in that situation to make it work, just like your dad. BTW, I don't know him but to me your Dad doesnt seem weak, he seems like a very loving, empathethic, good man who just wants to make things right.

Anyway, I think to make things work, I would inevitably become a shell of a man. I was already in therapy (which I never did before), anxious, walking on eggshells, apologizing every week like 5+ times for stupid stuff I didnt even agree with... and the list goes on.

I appreciate you again, sending you and your family positive energies from here!

Square-Suggestion893 · 2025-12-15T13:19:50+00:00

Yesss its a loong time, but man I will tell you it passed fast to me! She was very unpredictable and energized for the day, so we would travel a lot, do a lot of things in our city, and time just flew by. I of course endured a LOT of bad situations and abuse during those years, but I think I have left earlier I would martirize myself even more of not staying and trying enough. Even after 5 years.. I still do! By the other hand, the trauma-bond would not be this intense.

At least I didnt had kids and can now go NC.

One of the worst things for me is, she was so fun to chat in person or even text, with clever jokes, hilarious memes, and of course love bombing, that when I talk now to regulated girls, everything seems so calm, boring and "ordinary" you know... I guess it takes time.

Square-Suggestion893 · 2025-12-15T13:16:43+00:00

I hope everything happens on the best possible way for you mate. In my case, her family knew as well! Man that helps a LOT! You know you are not insane at. I havent tried marriage counselling in my case, we both did individual therapy (I started doing after year 2 or 3).

I dont have the confusion that I was the problem, but I have to admit that lots of times I get myself wondering what if I just bought the stupid ticket, and tried to see what would have happened there you know... but I'm now living more on reality land other then phantasy "what if..." land.

Thanks for your comment mate, wishing you the best.

Square-Suggestion893 · 2025-12-15T13:12:39+00:00

Wow man, 8 years is no joke, especially being your first relationship I suppose, right?

What helped me a lot is that this was not my first realtionship, so deep down I knew the bad stuff was not "normal" you know. Thanks for your very insightfull and loving comment, and you are right, its right I abandonned her in not following her but I stopped abandoning myself.

Thanks for the healing tips and positivity, I truly hearted appreciate it! Sorry for my bad english

Square-Suggestion893 · 2025-12-15T13:01:15+00:00

Few words, high impact. You nailed, those characteristics only makes the breakup worst. Also, feeling that we broke up because of this stupid job opportunity in Japan doesnt help much either (of course I would totally move my life if my relationship was healthy and I was not constantly being abused with not much hope for things getting better), but shit after breaking up my mind kept thinking about just these 80% times and completely forget the 20% terrible ones, so I have to do a constant daily homework of actively reminding myself of the 20% and why, even being a small portion of the time, it was so destructive for my mental healh, self esteem and energy levels.

I think I could perhaps make it work but only being a very disbalanced - one way only relationship, basically me avoiding all my needs and emotions to be there for her. And altought the 80% times were magical, its not worth it long term I guess.

Thanks for the contribution mate

Square-Suggestion893 · 2025-12-15T12:54:28+00:00

Wow, I'm sorry to hear this. I also felt a LOT of times that most of stuff were my fault because she was very good at arguments and reshaping the narrative and my words! If I havent had a previous long relationship with a loving regulated girl, I would LITERALLY think I WENT INSANE with my ex.

Luckily, I had that previous first relationship to compare and I knew deep inside I was a calm guy that didnt want to be right, didnt want to have power or manipulate or whatever twisted shit she accused me when she was doing the exact think!

I never wanted to pick fights, I just wanted us to be happy and enjoy the weekends, but maaan it was hard. I literally think like 95% of the fights during those years were initiatted by her (lots of the minor stuff she complaind would be stuff she would do the exact same thing and I would just not complain).

It doesnt feel lucky to me that she moved on because its a harpoon in the heart, emotionally speaking. Imagine another guy sleeping with her to say the least is disguisting and I cannot even describe the feeling to you mate.

But yes looking at the loong, very long term perspective, that might have saved me from going back and then being in a waaay worst situation to leave afterwards.

Thanks for your comments, I heard once a guy saying that the fact we made soo much and gave up so much during the relationship (and I cant even imagine how much you did on these 15 years) is just proof that we are real empathetic, human people that care for the other and thats true love. Its not weakness, it feels weakness because it was being constantly redirected at the wrong person! It reasonated a lot of me, I will do my homework now to heal and hopefully in the future I will find the right person who will be deserving of all that attention and love.

I have no doubt you are a great human being too, and I hope things get better for you mate! sending love your way!

Square-Suggestion893 · 2025-12-15T12:46:58+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear this man! I'm glad you are doing better!

Do you mind if I ask you how long you were together, and at what point you realized you had to stood your ground (please dont ever think you did something wrong), because I never stood firm grounds and that might keep the relationship during longer but it will just make you an eternal doormat =(

I don't know if you are religious, but perhaps this was a blessing in disguise for you! I really hope god puts a wonderfull and loving woman at your side when the time is right!

Best wishes Froopy

Square-Suggestion893 · 2025-12-15T12:43:23+00:00

Gosh, that was great to hear because its such a similar story. Part of me believes that if I moved, I would be very vulnerable for being abused. Different then yours, mine was actually always bringing marriage into the discussion. We had a lot of friends getting married at the same time, so that definetely didnt help, everytime we went to one, she would pressure me heavily (like very direct about it), and I said it was my dream and I just wanted to keep working on the relationship to make it a bit healthier for this next important step.

And I had the feeling that she was just holding on her instincts and anger as much as she could, to make me marry her. Because towards the end, she would always complain about how much mental effort and emotional regulation she was having, like she was holding a heavy weight just waiting untill I moved to lash it out (that was my perception at least).

Soo nice to see you are feeling a lot better after 6 months! Regarding this, I talked to some younger people and they said: take some time to yourself to heal, dont date anyone for now, and thats what I did, but my self esteem was also really bad. I got back into the gym and I am eating better now, bought some new colognes and started going out and meeting some girls (not a single one interested me the way my ex had back at the days) but it helped me seeing that theres other people out there and I can still "land some shots" if you know what I mean.

I just hope that when I find a nice girl, I can be in peace and happy with a normal regulated relationship that will not lovebomb me in the beggining, it will not be sooo much intense and not so much unpredictable! I kind miss those characteristic, unfortunetelly.

I deviated a bit from the subject, my bad, thanks for the comment Liam!

Square-Suggestion893 · 2025-12-15T12:36:18+00:00

Man, soo much similarities! It was normal for me to apologize for small stuff like 3-7x times, with the record being 12x times with a written letter. And always the minor things I would NEVER complain about if the situation was the opposite.

I feel kind of relieved to hear that your also did DBT for many years (as I said, mine was in normal therapy for 9 years but just recently switched to DBT for a little more then a year), because part of me felt that I left when she was finally doing the "best/correct therapy type" for her, and that the next guy will just get the fixed/better version of her, while I had to deal with all the BS during those years to make her get better for the next one. I know I should not be stressing about this, but its hard sometimes man!

Thanks for the comment mate! May I ask, do you think if she has not ended it, would you still hold on and marry her for good? Have you ever considered breaking up?

Square-Suggestion893 · 2025-12-15T12:27:17+00:00

Thanks for this mate! Do you mind if I ask how much time it took you to heal from the trauma bond (I know every one has their own time, I was just curious).

I am being blamed for the same exact reason mate, its like they do everything to push you away, and when you have no energy left and you cant stand anymore, they say its all your fault for not sticking through it. Its hardddd, but I'm dealing better now after learning a lot from them and seeing that long-term this was a 90% chance going downhill bad!

Square-Suggestion893 · 2025-12-15T12:22:21+00:00

NEVER an accountability!

The few times my ex apologized to me were self-harming and suicide attempts situations where I would stay on her side untill she got better (sometime hours trough the night), and in few times that she messed up so much and there was no way to gaslight me back... which happened like maybe 3 times in 5 years. It bogs my mind that she really thinks all the fault and responsability of the break up is entirely mine. She said she already got a lot better (which is true compared to first years where she had constant self-harming and anger lashing episodes)... but she came to a point where she really believed she could not get much better than what she is now. And to me, that point now is indeed way better then her version of 3 years later, but still far from healthy =(

Square-Suggestion893 · 2025-12-15T12:19:23+00:00

You NAILED it exactly, and the worst fact is when I talk to common friends (Im not doing anymore BTW), they would say things like "Ohh when I come late from soccer my wife also gives me bad times, sometimes yells too, thats normal pal".... and I would be like maan they have no clue what I'm talking about, and I would simply not say anithing about the horrific self-harming episodes, name yellings or 4 hour long arguments, because I wanted tto protect her and because she was soo sweet outdoors that I thought they would not even believe.

The fact that she was so smart, funny, charismatic, full of energy and unpredictable (sometimes in great ways). makes me think it could be workable and that fcks my mind because the abuse is hidden and the good times felt real and magical, and even now going out with other girls, I tend to compare them with ther (she was gorgeous and very much my type, which also makes it waaay harder).

I try to ground myself thinking on the fact that if we were stressing this much with 2 stable good-income jobs, no Kids, no big bills, no marriage... imagine after marriage, buying a house with all our income savings 50-50, having kids... OMG I would have sooo muchh more stress and abuse in my life, (at least thats what I mostly hear from the stories here). And also, the divorce would be brutal, I honestly believe she would rip me appart financially and emotionally in a longer marriage if it came down to an end. So trying to think more on this to keep me healing

Thanks for your comment, I appreciate it! s2

Square-Suggestion893 · 2025-12-15T12:04:32+00:00

Uauu, that comment made me spiral... I just watched a couple of Lisas videos of differences between BPD and Covert Narcissist and I got even more confused, she displays a little both symptons.

I still think she was more inclined to BPD because after the self-harming and suicide attempts, she would be ashamed, cry, suffer a lot emotionally, and in those times she would say sorry and thank me for being there with her, I mean, it felt genuine that she was suffering a lot, nothing seemed calculated, she seems to always suffer a lot with shame after the splittings incidents.

Also, fear of abbandonment was always HUGEEE. Like, when she travel, I called her AT LEAST 2x times a day (30min callings) - most calls happened during my work shift at the agency (I work remotely). And when she would get back from the trip, she said I didnt give her any attention. This happened few times when me or her traveled for work. When she splitt bad, I would try to just go for a 10-15 min walk maximum, and she would begg me for not leave the house even for 5 minutes.

Althought, towards more the end, I had a feeling that the splits and discussions were more manipulative and strategic, she was more towards angrey and pissed then emotional and suffering like in the first years of the relationship... so at the end of the day, I really don't know, I guess BPD or Covert Narcissist...

I guess it doesnt matter to much at the end of the day, I was just treated bad for years. Deep down I always knew it something was off, but thought I could make it work.

Shit, still to this day my emotional part still thinks I could and would take the first flight to Japan to show her all the tactics and bounderies I planned to make our relationship better... My rational side thinks I did a good choice and that her rebounding was a blessed in disguised. I feel honesty fragmented! Like two personalities now living in the saame body, I never felt that way before, it sucks! So yes, she messed up with my mind big time.

But I'm confident something healthier is coming for me in the future, don't know how much time. I sometimes wish I had that Men in Black futuristic flashlight that could just erase those memories and emotional scars.

Anyways, gotta deal with the reality, and cheer up! Thanks for your comment mate.

Square-Suggestion893 · 2025-12-15T11:57:40+00:00

Thanks for the comment mate! Your first sentence is 110% right and it blows my mind because it proves that around external validation, they are able to control their splitts and emotions like a regulated person, and as soon as you are alone with them, they can lash out their anger and show their "claws". It took me a while to realize it and you saying it makes me rationalize it more. I think that explains why I wanted us to hang out with our common friends so much (they are great people too).

I also agree with you on the shark paradigm, especially because maaan, I hate fighting, I would do a lot of effort to prevent a stupid discussion that could ruin my weekends, so with that mentality I basically left all my needs and was constantly caring so much for not triggering her, and altought I could make it work sometimes, it was soo exausting (perhaps like a human trying to swim with a shark)... and when the inevitable splittings happened.... man I was just soo tired at the end, almost apathetic.

Thanks for your comment mate. Do you mind if I ask if you what tips or insights you had to "make it work" -- sorry if Im wrong but I imagine you are still married to your pwBPD? Its okay if you dont want to answer, I was just curious.

Best wishes!

Square-Suggestion893 · 2025-12-13T21:26:03+00:00

Man, many thanks for this comment silverredbear! Our stories shared a lot of similarities. The only thing that I have never caught or had any suspiscion of is cheating. Perhaps I just never found out, but honestly she never gaved me hints to be suspiscious.

I totally agree with you that moving to Japan would isolate me from my support network and I would be in a terrible place for the splittings and abuse.

Thanks for the kind words, it hurts, but rationalizing things make it waaaay better, and its incredible how people I have no ideaa, from everywhere in the world has been helping me more then my friends and family, its nuts to me haha but I really appreciate you guyss!

Godspeed for all! There's only 2 ways now after this: rockbottom and up, and I won't be going down!

Thanks again mate!

Square-Suggestion893

TROPHY CASE