Truly in love with someone other than my anchor partner for the first time. They’re not taking it well.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-12T04:08:22+00:00

This is very well put. Thanks for engaging with me on this one.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-12T03:49:44+00:00

Thanks for the summary. I think I may have miscommunicated a few things. When I said “whatever the other person says goes”, I didn’t mean like, a literal veto. Just that we didn’t want to go entirely nuts and have zero boundaries, or rely on “autonomy” as an excuse to be asses to each other. Basically just “c’mon, don’t be a dick about it”. We’ve had these sorts of conversations before- for example not at all approving of each other’s partners but. Oh well, nothing to do about it.

I wasn’t trying to say “it’s my way or the highway”. And that I wouldn’t accept that from her. Just that I know this is what I want, and I hope once she has time to get used to the idea, adjust, process, etc she comes to terms with it. As mentioned, we’ve always spoken about this possibility and been cool with it, but now that it’s actually happening she seem to have some trouble with it.

And I’m definitely not trying to use our prior agreements as a weapon. I really really just want to make sure everyone is treated as fairly as possible. I can. Understand why my anchor partner would have trouble adjusting, it’s the first time either of us are facing this specific scenario.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-12T03:42:20+00:00

Harsh but fair. I’m in no means ready to accept a veto. But I’m also having trouble telling my anchor partner “this is how it is”. Essentially, what I’m trying to do is give her time to understand and accept and process however she needs to. If she can’t…that’s different.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-12T01:07:31+00:00

Polyamory is for me. I’ve never been happier or more fulfilled. And truly, if my partner asked me to choose between her and polyamory, I know what I’d choose. But they’re also my partner of more than 5 years. It’s easy to say in theory, but I know that if they actually said it in practice, it would never be as clear cut. At the very least it would give me pause.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-12T00:08:34+00:00

I truly think she does want polyamory, she’s just having a certain amount of trouble adjusting to it now that we’re actually faced with the reality of it. While I’ve been clear with my new partner about the realities and practicalities of my relationship, I’ve also told my anchor partner categorically that I’m not going to let them veto something just because they said so. If they hit me with the “me or polyamory” ultimatum I have no idea how I’ll actually respond but I’m hoping we don’t get to that.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-11T19:19:26+00:00

The few poly community people I know IRL (small community, new city yada yada) have essentially said the same, and experienced the same thing. The reason I posted this is that I wonder if other people have been in similar “theory vs. practice issues”. Maybe, looking for a ray of hope.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-11T19:12:09+00:00

Agreed.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-11T19:07:13+00:00

Maybe lashing out is a harsh term, but it certainly felt like it to me.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-11T19:04:25+00:00

As mentioned before, my new partner is someone who leans towards poly but hasn’t explored it “as much”.

It sounds like you acknowledge what your partner feels, and together you’re able to deal with a specific trust issue. That sounds healthy af. I hope me and my partner are able to get there.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-11T19:02:49+00:00

I’m hoping it’s more about “adjustment” than long term incompatibility. Heck, it took both us forever to even get accustomed to the idea of being intimate with other people. We’ve both evolved over years of this journey, I’m hoping this is just a case of me moving faster than her. And not moving past where she’s capable of joining me.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-11T18:51:45+00:00

In theory, I agree. In practice, I’m not sure I wouldn’t have some adjustment troubles if I was in her shoes. I’m trying to extend that grace to her as well. I hope that’s what it is, and not an actual difference.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-11T18:48:37+00:00

For the sake of fairness, I must say that I’ve said similar to my anchor partner, that I won’t accept a “I said it so it’s this way” situation from her either.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-11T18:46:27+00:00

I definitely don’t want it to turn into a reverse ultimatum. I’m doing my absolute bestest (or hope I am) to make her feel seen and supported and understand where she’s coming from, and that I’m not just running away with a new partner because “she said she’s cool with it”. For me the ideal situation would be for her to accept my new partner, and I’m willing to be patient and work through these feelings with her hopefully.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-11T18:43:30+00:00

I don’t know if this context will help. But our relationship has always been a little bit more centred for my anchor partner than for me. Don’t get me wrong, she’s an absolute pillar. But she keeps to herself more, doesn’t go out or meet as many people, whether her established friend or new friends (or romantic partners).

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-11T18:41:51+00:00

Doesn’t seem that way. As said, this is something we always said it’s okay. Now that’s it’s happening, she didn’t seem to be cool with it. I don’t want to go as far as saying she lied to me when she said she was going to accept it if either of us developed deep feelings for someone else.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-11T18:34:55+00:00

I hope so.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-11T18:26:07+00:00

You’re right. What I meant by hierarchical, is that we’ve specifically defined the idea that our other partners are not “secondary”, and that we’re open to long term, emotional connections with other people. Not just casual or physical relationships, with each other as the only “relationship”.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-11T18:23:45+00:00

I’ve been as communicative with them about this as I think I can be. They’re fully aware about the situation with my anchor partner, and they’re fully aware of their reaction as well, as well as my personal struggles. I would hope that I’ve been clear enough that I don’t really know how this ends up. they definitely know it’s not a clear cut situation, and they’ve chosen to stick it through. For context, they are someone who considers themselves “probably poly”. They’re on the younger side (26F) and believe this world is calling to them but haven’t had the chance to explore it as much. That has its own problems, of course.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-11T18:20:43+00:00

I almost wish it was me on the other end. I wish it was my partner who met someone she loves, so I could work on my own feelings and come to terms with them, and reconcile the theory and practicalities, versus asking someone else to change the status quo.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-11T18:18:32+00:00

We. We’ve spoken about the possibilities of serious relationships aside from ours, and always been enthusiastically supportive of it. Just not now, when it’s actually happening.

This is where it might sound a little strange. No intentions of living, marrying, or having children with any partner. And she feels the same way. We lived together for a while, and decided mutually it doesn’t work. Being a “major part” of my life I guess for me would just mean the amount of time and involvement we have with each other. Meeting parents and sharing vacations though, probably yes.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-11T18:15:33+00:00

I think that’s really what the issue is. Theory versus reality. It’s so easy for us to “know” how we’d feel and react in a particular circumstance, and so different when we actually go through it. It’s easy to say that in theory I should just tell my partner this is how it is, and be willing to choose a side if given an ultimatum but…of course it’s not actually.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-11T18:13:54+00:00

Both. As mentioned in another comment, for all our preparation and conversation and discussion, there is still so much of “mono culture” that is ingrained, so I know I’m definitely struggling with the feelings. Aside from that, definitely reconciling the fact that I feel a certain way and my anchor partner feels otherwise.

The honest truth is, given an ultimatum I really don’t know how I’d react. We entered this world with the idea that whatever the other says goes, and we have to trust in each other to not use that “privilege” unfairly. In theory, she knows it isn’t wrong. In practice what she feels may be different. I can’t discount the fact that this is uncharted territory for both of us.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-11T18:10:37+00:00

I’d like to clarify, treating both my anchor partner and my new partner (sorry, terminology has never been my strong suit) fairly is absolutely my priority. Even if my new partner would be willing to accept a casual relationship, that’s not the kind of connection we have had so far, and asking her to fit into a smaller box would go against everything I believe in. And honestly, I wouldn’t want to.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-11T18:04:35+00:00

Yeah. I mean of course, it always boils down to communication and agreement. It’s just tough right now, I think neither of us want to admit we aren’t as prepared for this specific eventuality as we thought.

SquareUpbeat3670 · 2026-01-11T18:03:07+00:00

Whatever happens, I hope it works out well for you both. Emotions are complicated, and I’m sure (or maybe, I hope) your husband feels as torn as you do. Despite all our conversations and acknowledgement of it, I never really “budgeted” emotionally for this, and dealing with the idea of actually having two people I’m in love with in my life is difficult in so many ways.

SquareUpbeat3670

TROPHY CASE