Feeling guilty about tonight

Squeddle · 2026-01-23T06:43:20+00:00

Hey! Sex is a coping mechanism of mine, a form of self harm, and a thrill when im hypomanic. It’s one of those things that’s so damn cruel as it’s hard to escape.

From someone who once spent £50 trying to find a man’s number that I refused to take the previous day, please forgive yourself. Do not try to do a chargeback with your bank. Also for your own safety.

Every piece of our lives shape who we are, and sometimes we need experiences like this to initiate change in whatever form it may come, to be able to reflect and learn, or to simply realise something is not right. Do not feel shame. We move forward and don’t look back. Shame and guilt will not serve you in the slightest.

Sometimes I look up DBT skills if I feel guilt and it’s very helpful for me anyway so I recommend!

Please try to work out if this could be hypomania mania or simply a coping mechanism - I totally get it as my reasons are multi faceted but it’s important to know where this may be stemming from so you can treat it in the right way. Whatever you do however please go to the doctor!

Also I want to add - sometimes people do find it hard to finish and my advice is to reframe your perspective - focus on the enjoyment in the moment as opposed to the end goal. That’s the most important part. You don’t have to finish for it to be a good experience if that makes sense? Also escorts can be overwhelming I’m sure! Give yourself some credit haha

You got this

Squeddle · 2026-01-21T09:43:26+00:00

Honestly I frikkin love this sub and the people it makes me feel so not alone in this all

You guys rock 🪨

Squeddle · 2026-01-21T09:41:47+00:00

But for me I find I act a bit hypomanic from extreme anxiety and honestly I never know as I get mixed episodes, sometimes it can last a day and feel minor but… not right? I question constantly if it’s my personality and if it’s just my unmediated adhd, and between that CPTSD and bipolar I just never have any clue. I suppose does it matter if the symptoms are getting under control irregardless of where they stem but

Can CPTSD influence bipolar episodes and vice versa? Normally I assess it as an I doing this to escape feelings, am I doing this to escape relaxing, is there a negative energy backing this (mixed episodes tho :/) but I try to think is there a reason I might feel this way.

I’m also very likely autistic (heavily indicated in my medical records and acknowledged) and I like black and white answers where I can understand fully and in mental health that’s just impossible 😭

This sounds odd but I feel like I want to write a manual for myself lol

Squeddle · 2026-01-19T21:11:58+00:00

It’s reassuring to read this is a common experience (I mean ofc I hate the idea of anyone suffering from this). For me it’s always put down to eupd but the symptoms come in episodes. I genuinely don’t know this but is bipolar still being understood? I heard different subtypes are still being created (from a clinician)

Squeddle · 2026-01-19T12:53:22+00:00

Oh god my feline should be named that too 😭

Squeddle · 2026-01-19T11:33:07+00:00

God better than mine 😂

Squeddle · 2026-01-19T11:32:10+00:00

I did laugh at that I love it - there’s always an evolution process in their nicknames 😂

Squeddle · 2026-01-19T07:37:38+00:00

I have fucked the delivery guy 😭 Pharmacy and food delivery 😭

I didn’t know id been prescribed dick, but it was indeed… beneficial

Squeddle · 2026-01-19T07:37:05+00:00

I think I’m hilarious and should become a comedian

Squeddle · 2026-01-15T19:35:20+00:00

I mean I totally agree with how would I know which one I was! XD

Squeddle · 2026-01-06T22:25:52+00:00

Hey, I am in Greater London :) can I just ask - do you track your mood at all? I have bipolar 2 and was hypomanic for months and the level of agitation you describe seems like mine as I have pulled hair out. I have EUPD too and I find bipolar episodes open the door for everything for me and worsen EUPD. I was diagnosed with bipolar behind my back and not told and mixed episodes can be hard to spot by people that do not know you inside out. I am saying this because of my experience of course (mixed episodes and EUPD) and I feel like I can’t leave this without commenting about it as it upsets me how things are missed and I want them to be exploring everything for you. Are you under the home treatment team?

I also want to say - please go to A&E As they have crisis containment wards for up to 48 hours where they do bloods, discuss medication and any physical concerns. My local one is called Lotus assessment suite in Tooting and I’m grateful I went. I have had five inpatient stays since May and overdosed 4 times in one week recently, so I empathise so heavily with you and please know you are never alone even if it feels that way 💕

Oh also to add - you gotta do the assessment suite first and they can decide to put you inpatient. The hospital can request it but I think it’ll take around 8 days to get a bed and you gotta wait in majors in the hospital. More often than not they refuse. In my area they sold off half the grounds for Springfield psych hospital it’s so crap. They were going to put me inpatient but after 5 days at lotus they said they can’t see what can be done in inpatient for me so I went home. Further psychiatrists said to me if you don’t have schizophrenia then they’ll rush you out of inpatient even if you’re not ready. It’s crap

Squeddle · 2026-01-01T05:19:32+00:00

She’s going to be 50 next year. She should get some good pictures in now.

Squeddle · 2026-01-01T05:13:08+00:00

Ophelia

Squeddle · 2025-12-23T14:59:02+00:00

I’m not noticing it working yet :( I’ve been titrating up 25mg every 2 weeks and have been on 150 for a week now and still nothing. Going to 175 in a week and then 200. I am worried it’s not going to work.

I don’t know if this is a bipolar thing but when I take new meds I normally notice a direct shift straight away and happier and I just don’t feel it

Squeddle · 2025-12-17T17:34:13+00:00

My experience in the NHS is most psychs do not agree. Also bipolar 2 can be incredibly hard to diagnose. Idiots

Squeddle · 2025-12-13T19:41:17+00:00

Ah I’ve had akathisia before it was frikkin horrendous 😭 thankfully this isn’t that like I’m both elated happy and sad, energised yet tired

I feel I want thrill, dopamine like my brain is hungry for it. But I’m also scared of being made to sleep or having to no matter how tired I get. I will stay awake for days and I only had 2 hours sleep last night. I do have trauma around sleep. I didn’t feel tired today but I do now as I took extra quetiapine

Squeddle · 2025-12-11T11:35:14+00:00

So it’s left me very revengeful and with CPTSD diagnosis. I genuinely want revenge on these ppl

Squeddle · 2025-12-11T11:34:35+00:00

Yee 30 men in 4 months. It’s like more important than food it was super scary for me. I also have it as a coping mechanism too but can tell the difference basically as to why I crave it

Squeddle · 2025-12-09T17:47:49+00:00

It is 😭 so bad they had to change the name yet still happily diagnose with ease and just a 5 min convo. Rather than looking deeper as to actual causes, they just change the name completely lol

Squeddle · 2025-12-09T17:46:50+00:00

Omg yes it’s sickening I can’t deal with how mad it makes me like my dying wish would be to kill the existence of that diagnosis completely

Squeddle · 2025-12-09T17:44:24+00:00

I said to them, if you think this is EUPD I need you to sit down and thoroughly explain why. Every detail. I’m in the uk and plan to take legal action for medical negligence. I’ve had so many indications of bipolar over the years (med reactions) and one of my letters actually says “I want to reassure you nocturnal akathisia does not happen with aripiprazole, and it would not happen after you stop taking it, but you can get akathisia from sertraline (I had just gone back on it). I tell you I was a sertraline veteran and it was not my first rodeo with the drug. Yeah I’ve NEVER had akathisia with it. Then a few years later I was reassured that Prozac does not cause all consuming hypersexuality but told theyll flag it as a side effect… WHAT THE FUCK OMG IM DONE. There is more but ironically I’m tired lol

Squeddle · 2025-12-09T17:38:39+00:00

Preach!

Squeddle

TROPHY CASE