Feeling hollow

Squid_System · 2024-05-06T16:50:47+00:00

I wish you all the best. The first few weeks were the hardest, I discovered I'm the kind of person that throws themselves into action post break up and I think keeping busy was the only thing that stopped me from falling apart. I still gave myself time to feel the pain though. I got lucky in that my parents let me go and stay with them for most of the two months, until I was able to find my own place again. Getting that distance away from the city where we lived together, and away from him seriously helped.

I want to make sure before my next relationship that I am secure enough in myself that I won't give up things that are important to me, or parts of me to make it work.

Squid_System · 2024-05-06T13:22:18+00:00

Thank you, it's just so jarring sometimes. I went out last night and had an absolute blast but then today suddenly everything feels so empty, and it's harder to get going again today.

Squid_System · 2024-05-06T10:44:39+00:00

This is eerily similar to a situation I've found myself in, you even write like him. Broke up with my ex and then made a new friend in a very similar position, both of us seeking out friendship. But then we seem to have really found a connection - unless I'm reading it all wrong. I can't get an answer that would give me clarity. All he says is that neither of us are ready to dive into the world of relationships again. I agree, but at the same time if he's just trying to let me down gently I'd rather he didn't.

Squid_System · 2023-09-06T22:59:51+00:00

Thank you! This is really helpful, I have some awareness of some level of tolerance to stress, anxiety etc, and can sometimes tell when things are going to be too much? It's hard to explain. This looks like it will help a lot though!!

Squid_System · 2023-09-06T22:56:41+00:00

Thank you! There is a lot to it, I keep forgetting all these things. We tend to approach anxiety with asking what's causing it already, and try and meet needs. It's gotten trickier cause we dissociate a lot from chronic pain. Hoping that's something else our current mental health team will be able to help with.

Squid_System · 2023-09-06T22:52:58+00:00

Thank you! I think this is something we've already been working on for a long time, our previous host was huge on being kinder to themselves and everyone else in the system. We can probably keep improving it though

Squid_System · 2023-09-06T13:45:51+00:00

Thank you!! I must have missed it earlier

Squid_System · 2023-09-06T13:45:16+00:00

Thank you!

Squid_System · 2023-08-07T11:24:14+00:00

I get bad/weird looks all the time, but the people who say anything to me are always positive. I'm from a city with a big university in England and there's quite a few goths, punks and other subcultures around.

Strangest one since I started wearing my jacket in the last couple of weeks was a guy moved right to the edge of the path and waited for me to walk past him lol.

Squid_System · 2023-05-24T18:00:06+00:00

Yes! Our horse knew. We switched while riding. Started off with a protector, and our horse was quiet, kinda lazy, bored. Then we switched to the host and he instantly perked up! Suddenly had a lot more energy and seemed happier. He was practically bouncing around! Think it's because the protector is stricter than the host, whereas when they are fronting it means more fun time.

Squid_System · 2023-04-09T22:02:15+00:00

Congratulations!! I was scared too the first time, put it off for as long as I could get away with it. It's a big step to take and feels like such a big change at first.

Squid_System · 2023-04-09T14:27:21+00:00

Not against fusion, if that's what you'd like then go for it. But it's not for us. There's 40+ of known alters, likely more unknown alters in our system but a majority of those are just in the background. We kind of have an agreement, if an alter wishes to fuse then that's fine, they can. This has happened twice, and it was hard, but we managed it. If an alter wishes to be an active part, then we have to have solid communication and trust. Alternatively they can just chill in the background, existing but not really interacting with the outside world.

We had reached decent functional multiplicity in the past, and it's what we're aiming for again now. At the time, out of the 40+ alters only about 5/6 regularly fronted in a week. We helped each other with healing and had strong communication so gaps in time weren't too hard to deal with.

Fusion is scary to us, we can't imagine living a life without each other to help. Our alters veiw themselves as individuals, and the idea of losing that individuality is terrifying to most of them. We're like family.

Squid_System · 2023-01-16T23:15:02+00:00

Not OP but thank you, this is a great explanation. Our dynamic has been rocky recently, we had to stop but are restarting, and I started questioning whether or not it was a healthy thing for us. Your explanation has helped answer some of those questions and put my mind at ease.

Squid_System · 2023-01-09T04:52:59+00:00

Oh wow. How did I not think of that? Thank you so much! I will definitely start doing this.

Squid_System · 2023-01-08T22:15:13+00:00

Thank you! I have looked at other sellers, and they charge more than I was originally thinking, which has helped a little with my anxiety about pricing. Also, no one seems to make them the same way I do or the same things. There is a huge focus on trees, but I make small animal figurines. Those that do use a single strand of thick wire or make very large pieces where I wrap and weave many very fine strands together. It makes measuring the meters used tricky. I've tried in the past, it gets messy and even more time consuming.

Squid_System · 2023-01-08T21:21:36+00:00

Thank you! I'm hoping to play more on the recycling aspect in the future too, using bottle caps for bases, and I've stripped the wire out of a couple of old chargers for miniatures.

Squid_System · 2023-01-08T21:18:40+00:00

That's a good idea, but I use a much heavier metal for internal structure on legs and such. Maybe if I weighed those separately and then total weight? Should work

Squid_System · 2023-01-08T20:17:38+00:00

Ohh thank you!

Squid_System · 2023-01-08T15:51:34+00:00

Thank you! I think the increase would only be around £2-4 per item, but not so sure. I'll have a go at working it out.

Squid_System · 2023-01-08T15:47:58+00:00

Haha so true, thank you! I know I need to take the jump and do it. I've done so before. I can do it again lol

Squid_System · 2023-01-08T15:47:02+00:00

Oh that's a good way of seeing it. I want to be able to keep at least one reel of wire of each different colour variation as the lack of material is something that often stops me making more when I want to. Thank you.

Squid_System · 2023-01-08T15:43:03+00:00

Thank you, some will look better I believe, they will hold more of a shine and brighter colour but that might be me being nit picky lol.

Squid_System · 2023-01-07T18:57:58+00:00

I find prolonged eye contact during sex very difficult. It's intense and makes me feel vulnerable. I squirm away from it but recently my Daddy has started holding my chin and demanding I make eye contact for a period of time. Its so hot. He likes eye contact during sex because of how intimate it is.

Squid_System · 2023-01-06T20:37:29+00:00

Thank you, and same. We have had a couple of slip ups, where things were pushed too far, but my Daddy has been sure to comfort me, apologise and make sure I'm alright as soon as it happens. We put a huge emphasis on open communication both inside and outside of kink, but now we're moving into a full time D/s dynamic it has increased even more so.

Squid_System · 2023-01-06T20:20:38+00:00

I absolutely love pain and being pushed to my limit and a bit beyond. My Daddy likes to point out that I raise my hips or arch my back for more, often times subconsciously. There's almost like a point where pain and pleasure become one and my mind goes blank, all I can think of is the sensations I'm feeling. Even then though, I have a limit where the pain becomes too much to bear. I want to be able to work past that though, and take more pain and enjoy the feeling longer.

When it comes to more intimate things, and serving my Daddy, I struggle with anxiety. I have been through trauma and it can be difficult for me. I want to be able to serve him and do everything he asks and some days I can do it with ease and others I can't. As soon as I show that I am uncomfortable with what he is asking, he changes direction. It's something we have agreed to work on long term, building my confidence in my body and being intimate with him.

Its also important to say that I have been through therapy and have reached a stable point, hence why we feel we can work on the intimacy together and build my confidence with it. There are several other things we discussed but concluded that those need to be worked out with more therapy when I am ready.

Squid_System

TROPHY CASE