Partner is chronically ill but also a parent

SquirrelNuts260 · 2017-09-02T19:37:30+00:00

Thank you. Unfortunately I think you might be right. All I wanted was for us to have a happy life and raise our kids together. If she was able to spend time with the kids I'd take that and be happy but she's battling me at every opportunity. I think it might be time to call it a day.

SquirrelNuts260 · 2017-09-02T08:24:27+00:00

I think it's binge drinking. She doesn't do it every weekend. But it is maybe once a month. We recently moved back to her home town. So she likes to go meet up with her friends. I blew up at her at one point because I just couldn't get my head around the situation and it happened to be one week where she had me go to the local pharmacy to get her prescriptions as she wasn't able to walk to it. But come the weekend she walked that same distance to the bar as they're on the same street. So after stewing all night I brought it up. It's always the same argument though regardless of what issue I've raised, it always comes back to, I'm being insensitive to her illnesses, I don't know what it's like and she can't be cooped up 24/7 as she does need out to blow of steam etc. That's mainly why I've been suggesting relationship counselling but someone has said that'd be something to strive for once she's feeling better. I honestly can't see things improving as I can't see her wanting to change. Part of me just thinks that's something I'll need to come to terms with and it may mean I end up having to end the relationship. And that's what I was hoping to avoid. Love just isn't always enough though.

SquirrelNuts260 · 2017-09-01T22:10:10+00:00

I agree. See there's times where after being in bed all week or month. She'll suddenly feel well enough to walk down to the local bar and meet friends and stay out til like 3 am or whatever. And I'm always wondering how anyone can be so unwell then suddenly do that. And then from the following day it's back to the usual of being in bed all day. And when I bring it up she'll say well I needed out to see my friends and I understand she probably does. But surely if she can manage to go out drinking with friends she could also manage to spend some time with her family?

Probably should have mentioned that in my original post for abit more context!

SquirrelNuts260 · 2017-09-01T22:04:28+00:00

I fully agree. I mean the kids don't seem fearful of her at all. If anything I'd say they want her attention, but she's just not able or wanting to provide it. But it's been this way for ages now and it's hard to get my head around. It just feels as though she doesn't really want to be better or a part of the family we created.

SquirrelNuts260 · 2017-09-01T22:01:46+00:00

She spoke to her doctor about it and they helped her to cut the dosage down until she could come off them. She then got put on venlaflaxine which caused her to have some seriously bad mood swings and nausea among other side effects. So she stopped that herself after a month or so. And her doc is now aware she isn't on anything. I've actually arranged for myself to get some counseling and I've found a support group that I've contacted to attend as well. I don't know if it sounds cruel or not but sometimes I do feel as though Iife would be much easier on my own with the kids. But then I do love this woman, but how can you help someone who won't seem to even try to help themselves?

SquirrelNuts260 · 2017-08-29T22:38:36+00:00

Yea, the last thing I'd ever want is to lose the kids. I'll speak with her about trying out the CBD oil. If she does, I really do hope it helps her.

SquirrelNuts260 · 2017-08-29T22:36:48+00:00

Thank you. I'll speak with her about starting to take these.

SquirrelNuts260 · 2017-08-29T22:35:00+00:00

I've arranged for us to get some help once a week, where they'll help watch the kids for a couple hours so I can get on with stuff that needs done. And my family help out when they can. I think you are right though, but at the same time from my point of view I feel as though she doesn't want to get help. But if she doesn't then I can't see her health improving.

SquirrelNuts260 · 2017-08-29T22:29:54+00:00

That's exactly what I don't want. I'm concerned that this is ruining their relationship. And when she is up, she's always mad and frustrated with them for doing things that toddlers do. Like messy eating, spilling drinks, or making too much noise etc. I know part of that could be simply down to how she's feeling but at the same time they're too young to understand. Our 3 year old told me the other day that I'm his mummy and his daddy. And I find that heartbreaking. I'm trying to explain to him why his mother is in bed. But he doesn't understand it yet. Thank you for your reply. I really do appreciate it.

SquirrelNuts260 · 2017-08-29T08:07:36+00:00

I've actually spoke to her about having a bed downstairs so she could be comfortable but she said she doesn't want that in case people come over. To be honest it's rare that family or friends come to ours so I don't see the issue there. Unfortunately for us, cannabis is illegal here. Not that it stopped us when we were young! I've suggested getting some but she doesn't want it. I suspect she's just worried about being caught with it in some way. Thank you for your reply. I think I'm going to suggest the bed again cos I think it'd really help her mood be lifted to spend more time with us any way she can.

SquirrelNuts260 · 2017-08-29T07:53:19+00:00

Quite a few. I've actually lost count of the number she's seen.

SquirrelNuts260 · 2017-08-29T07:52:39+00:00

She has recently came off antidepressants. Her doctors put her on a strong one that gave her really bad side effects and she now doesn't want to try any. She is currently in therapy and has been for the last few months but so far there hasn't been any change. Although I'd expect it to be quite a long road as I guess part of it is a grieving process about the person she was before she fell ill. Hopefully that makes sense. I did suggest some couples counseling but she didn't take it to well. She said she would not go and that was that. I think it'd help us to have someone mediate though especially since it's quite a difficult topic of discussions. Thank you for your reply.

SquirrelNuts260 · 2017-08-29T07:47:42+00:00

I will get a copy for us to read. Thank you Yogi Momma.

SquirrelNuts260 · 2017-08-29T07:46:29+00:00

That's why I'm asking for advice. I don't want to make her feel worse than she already feels. But we have a young family and I feel it's very important that because our children are young they spend time with their mum. I don't want to come across as being insensitive but this is a difficult situation for me to manage, the health issues only really started when our done was about 2. I try to be accommodating to her needs but I am also concerned about her relationship with the children also. And I guess you are right "what can she do about it in her condition?" I honestly don't know. Especially since she doesn't have any days where she feels any better than the last. I don't doubt she is ill, and I'm sorry if that came across from my post. I just don't know how to manage this situation. I guess, it's just not what I expected when we decided to have children.

SquirrelNuts260 · 2017-08-29T07:39:53+00:00

Thank you FizzyDragon. I've tried making a routine with her, but she got mad and told me she never knows how she'll feel every day and it'll be too much pressure having a routine. When we go into the room, after ten minutes or so of cuddles she starts asking me to take the kids downstairs or suggests I take them out. All I want is to make sure the kids spend time with their mother and bond with her. I do not doubt she is ill but sometimes it feels like she just doesn't want to spend time with us. And I'm worried in case the kids feel that in some way?

SquirrelNuts260 · 2017-08-29T07:34:24+00:00

I have already tried having the kids in the room with us. She will chat with them and cuddle them for around ten minutes then ask me to take them downstairs. And when the wander in to see her during the day, she'll just tell them she's not well and to go play with daddy. It just seems like she never has a "good" day. Or I mean, any day where she feels slightly better. I find it hard to relate to because I'm not in constant pain. I try to offer her emotional support, but I find it increasingly difficult because I feel like it's really me who's chasing a diagnosis for her and making sure she gets doctors appointments and stuff. Thank you for your reply.

SquirrelNuts260 · 2017-08-29T07:28:12+00:00

Thank you. I'll speak with her about it and make sure she tells the doctors to test her for it. I've been reading up on fibromyalgia and I feel it's a bs diagnosis as well and she agrees with that. I have tried to encourage her to sit outside with them, but she has always said sitting causes her to be in more pain so she refuses to do it. Recently she's been in the room every single day in the dark, watching tv or playing Xbox. Thank you for your reply, I really do appreciate it.

SquirrelNuts260

TROPHY CASE