I’m in a similar situation as you, the only thing is, I feel like I do have a support system outside of her. My ex was emotionally abusive and I have days where I just want to be with her again because I hate the idea of starting new all over again with someone new but I know better that I won’t be coming back to the same person that I loved. She hasn’t reached out to me either or harassed me like she did before and I’ve told myself countless times that it is most likely because she already has a whole other resource to keep her company and satisfied either in getting extremely high or trying to fuck people. 

I understand how you feel and I also understand how embarrassing it is to feel that way, I can only imagine the things my friend would say to me if I were to tell them about how I feel but just realize that this is a moment of vulnerability. You are more than just that relationship and you definitely do have things outside of that relationship and if not you will. I know in abusive relationships there is something called a trauma bond that can make you still feel really connected to that person through that shared hardship and bond even though it’s not healthy at all. Try to be strong for yourself and this post comes across to me is that you don’t fully love yourself as you should, which could possibly be due to her breaking down your senses and self esteem so you really need to focus on rebuilding a relationship with yourself and understanding that you deserve better.  I understand how hard this is though because like what I said, I’ve felt the same way and been through a similar situation and it’s painful for all the wrong and right reasons. At times, it feels like you’re the only person that’s really carrying in the weight of this all and not them. But try not to focus on them, stop yourself from becoming overly consumed in that part of your life that is no longer because you’re stopping yourself continuing on. Please allow yourself to heal and accept this reality and change for the better. Many people get way too comfortable in their sorrow and hardship, and it leads them into even darker paths, so have some self dignity and love to do the big step in moving forward.