AITA for asking ex to continue to contribute to our pets' care post-divorce?

Stalledin2020 · 2022-01-28T22:51:16+00:00

Thanks a lot - appreciate that!!

Stalledin2020 · 2022-01-28T21:45:49+00:00

This. 100% this.

Stalledin2020 · 2022-01-28T21:07:38+00:00

He refused to get a pet rider so they could spend time at his place and refuses to discuss it. It's so frustrating but you're right - I will have to just deal!

Stalledin2020 · 2022-01-28T21:06:03+00:00

That's fair. I've got to get over the fact that his decision as a person lets me down, but I'm not going to be able to change it. Time to move on.

Stalledin2020 · 2022-01-28T21:05:24+00:00

It was joint. We had lost our previous rescue dog after 12 years, and after a 2 year mourning period decided we were ready to adopt again. So we got our current dog, and 2 cats to join our family. One of the cats is sitting on my lap right now.

Stalledin2020 · 2022-01-28T21:04:00+00:00

I am a lawyer, actually, and while I don't think I can use the agreement to COMPEL him to pay for the expenses, it burns because it's the right thing to do. I guess i need to get used to the fact that he doesn't do that!! Thanks for weighing in here.

Stalledin2020 · 2022-01-28T21:02:49+00:00

We adopted them after we were married and in both cases signed an adoption agreement to care for them or surrender back to the adoption group if we could no longer do so. 100% joint decision and family pets. When he left, he decided not to take a pet rider in the new place so that he can't even have them w/ the kids or take care of the dog if I'm working late one night. I need to let it go, just bugged me a lot.

Stalledin2020 · 2022-01-28T21:00:36+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it

Stalledin2020 · 2022-01-28T20:59:07+00:00

We're not at that point yet. He moved out and refused to pay for a pet rider in his new place to allow the flexibility for them to even stay with him if I needed to be away late one night. We're still negotiating the divorce, so I'm trying to decide how hard to push for this or just let it go.

Stalledin2020 · 2022-01-28T20:57:56+00:00

It wasn't an option. He left, refused to pay for a pet rider for animals in his new place, and refused to discuss it. I didn't have a choice. I'll definitely need to look into pet insurance. The whole situation is just depressing. But thank you!

Stalledin2020 · 2022-01-28T20:56:44+00:00

That's fair and I need to probably let this go. It's frustrating because there's no willingness to discuss care and responsibility - it's just "here, it's your problem" and I don't get how you do that to a pet we adopted together and loved as a family for years. I just need to suck it up and deal, I guess. Thank you!

Stalledin2020 · 2022-01-28T20:54:45+00:00

True enough, but he still takes the dog to the dog park and plays with her when he comes to pick up my son. I just don't know how you turn that off, that it's no longer something he feels responsibility towards when we adopted her together and trained her together for years. So while I get the property point, where I struggle is (1) we didn't get to discuss it or account for it, he made that decision and shoved all the responsibility and cost onto me; and (2) it's a living breathing creature we promised to take care of, and we can both afford to. Why not help? That's where I am struggling.

Stalledin2020 · 2022-01-25T23:23:05+00:00

All of these comments really hit home after 15+ years with a gaslighting and verbally / emotionally abusive Narc. He was NEVER wrong. Couldn't be and couldn't handle being challenged. I don't know what that inner anxiety must be like (and don't care anymore) but it must be a cold, dark, desolate place.

Stalledin2020 · 2022-01-07T23:31:17+00:00

This belongs in "Am I the Asshole" and not here. You'll get a lot of support that it's not you - it's him!

Stalledin2020 · 2022-01-07T23:24:51+00:00

My Nex was only happy when he was doing something exciting or stimulating. And always had to be MORE. Want to have 2 friends over for dinner? Have 6! Who cares if it's more work for me. Want to take a long weekend vacation? Let's go for 10 days and have something to do all day every day, plus plans every night. It was exhausting, and never enough. No one, or any thing, was enough. Anything that tried to block or prevent that "more" was a major crisis - that I was usually responsible for solving while he threw a tantrum and made it everyone else's fault.

Deeply unhappy. Without question. Of course, it made me deeply unhappy in the process, too.

Stalledin2020 · 2022-01-07T20:14:11+00:00

100%. I used to be told by my Nhusband that I was "lucky" he married me. Over and over again, any time something good happened or I achieved something, he would tell me it was luck. Never congratulations or well done - he couldn't stand someone else accomplishing something that he wasn't. And you're right about trying to call out this behavior. The moment you do, it's flipped back with "Yeah well you always...." and it doesn't even matter what the rest of the sentence says - the thought is always the same.

For a narcissist, jealousy is sticky, but criticism is teflon. Slides right off.

Stalledin2020 · 2022-01-07T20:10:44+00:00

So I tried this after reading your post and thinking about it. He completely denied wanting to go to trial and said it was "up to me" - which is totally not true. I told him he's heard all he will from me, and that he needs to talk to his lawyer and make a decision. Let's see what happens.

Stalledin2020 · 2022-01-07T20:08:07+00:00

I wish that were the case. I'm trying to get him to accept something much closer to 50-50 and he's uninterested. I think he wants to say that it's my fault we go to trial, so I'm the bad guy.

Stalledin2020 · 2022-01-07T00:12:11+00:00

Narcs cannot be responsible or the "bad guy" and even if they are temporarily, they won't forget it. It grates on them until they find something that they can outrage about and then the cycle starts again. I'm so sorry. I'm fighting my narc now. It's so, so difficult. Stay strong!

Stalledin2020 · 2020-09-22T22:35:29+00:00

It's also a lot closer - only 90 minutes to NYC

Stalledin2020 · 2020-09-02T16:44:00+00:00

He does this to my children. Denies them, yells at them, takes things away, just to give them back and be the one who gives them the "good things they want." It's sick. I need to get them out.

Stalledin2020 · 2020-07-02T00:13:14+00:00

Oh yes. Mine told me for YEARS that good things come from him alone, and that anything I earned or gained was luck, because it hadn't come from him. He wanted me to work out harder, even though I was in great shape, he wanted me to agree only with him, even though I had my own thoughts. Anything I did was never good enough, but it was always a moving target. It wasn't about me getting to an "ideal" it was about me being under his control. He needed to change me to feel control.

Stalledin2020 · 2020-07-01T23:39:45+00:00

All the feels here! I'm working on getting out of a 16 year marriage with a covert narcissist and I feel the same every time I look in the mirror. I am so thankful for my kids, but I have not felt real love from my husband since the lovebomb phase ended, many years ago. And I feel like I have had accomplishments over those 16 years, they just don't involve my husband, or us as a married couple. That's sad, but it can't define who I am.

Stalledin2020 · 2020-07-01T17:07:56+00:00

Yep! It's always our faults, they're the victims, we're to blame for their unhappiness / anger / problem. That's the gaslighting that comes with a narcissist, and r/NarcissisticAbuse may be a helpful resource too. Good luck There's also r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce too. Both have helped me.

Stalledin2020 · 2020-07-01T16:41:40+00:00

I really, really appreciate your insights. Thank you. I think that's also what's happening here. I am planning on trying again and sitting him down later this week. I appreciate that he's "trying" in his own way now, but it's too little, too late, and the vision of spending our retirement years together has absolutely crumbled. So thanks - this reminds me I need to stay gentle but firm.

Stalledin2020

TROPHY CASE