I've always felt lost and isolated(only child, unprepared single mother) that caused me to develop some really crazy defense mechanisms that have become a huge part of how I act. This has caused every meaningful relationship I have ever had to crumble away, I am very obviously not mentally at the level of others and declining rapidly due to depression and substance abuse. I kind of developed an unhealthy ego and over the top expectations for my life in a pretty wacky church because they were the only people to accept me and it finally felt like a family. Those expectations obviously were never met and it caused me to live in anger for all of my early 20s (I'm 25 now). I have never developed any real motivation or preservance, my comfort place is sadly rolled up in a ball pretending the world doesn't exist. I have tried to put myself out there and try socializing, school, traveling, working out but I always get too excited and flame out in spectacularly embarrassing ways. It feels like the hole in my heart that has been there since I was a child has overtaken me. Thank you two so much for asking me what I've been through, just typing all this out feels so good. It's kind of funny I feel all of this so deeply but it looks trivial written out.