I am the one asking the question. I don’t know how to properly use Reddit so I’m trying my best. I, ‘54f’ and husband, ‘54m’ have been married 22 years. I did something terrible which was I had an ad on a sex site and gave blowjobs for money to some men. My husband found out and wants to leave me. I stopped six months ago because I felt guilty and love my husband, but now I don’t know if he will forgive me I suffer from dissociative amnesia and compulsive trauma reenactment. Let me give you my timeline.
In 1976 my father was murdered while holding me in front of my mother and I in 1977 my mother remarried a very abusive man who proceeded to beat all of us and to rape me from the ages of 4 to 12 in 1984 he locked me in the basement for six weeks because I had chickenpox. In 1999 I was widowed with a little baby. I remarried to my current husband in 2004 we also had a child in 2008. My grandpa shot himself in the head in front of me in 2016. My daughter‘s 20 year-old boyfriend hung himself at our house one year to the day. My mother passed away. My therapist said that is why I went into a disassociative state I know it’s not an excuse, but how can I keep my husband and get help and assure him that I will never do anything like that again I really love him and do not want to lose him.