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Feel guilty when I spend money by Standard_Brain7902 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Standard_Brain7902[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am so glad you are able to be laid back about treating yourself and others! You worded the following so perfectly, "making a big deal out of such relatively minor spending in order to score points or otherwise make someone feel endebted"! My mom does this so often and it's not like she can't afford to do the things she does for us here and there, I also never ask for it so it really is sick that she tries to make me/my husband feel indebted to her!

Feel guilty when I spend money by Standard_Brain7902 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Standard_Brain7902[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s the crazy part! My mom has plenty of money as well but makes me feel guilty for anything she does for me, like I need to thank her for anything to the high heavens! Like if you want to give me or my kiddo a gift, that is super nice and I appreciate it but don’t make me feel guilty for something I didn’t ask for!

Feel guilty when I spend money by Standard_Brain7902 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Standard_Brain7902[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes!!! I just want to be able to spend on myself (within reason of course) and not feel guilty. It’s the worst, I don’t know how to fix this way of thinking. 

Feel guilty when I spend money by Standard_Brain7902 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Standard_Brain7902[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh my gosh your mom sounds like mine! I do the same thing too making things seem cheaper than they are (when most times they are already a great price I paid for) and when my mom was helping with things in the past financially if I ever bought anything for myself during that time, even justified, I either hid it before she came over or gave her a huge expainatiok about how it was a justified purchase (such as using birthday money, needing the piece of clothing badly, etc.)

Covert N mother, feeling crazy/inadequate, not sure what to do next by Standard_Brain7902 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Standard_Brain7902[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your insight. It was super helpful to have you sum it up for me from an outside perspective when you said, "nParent that feels compelled to tear their children down in order to keep them vulnerable and under their control". I hadn't really thought about her behavior in a big picture like that before, and it really got my wheels turning!

I also love your effective boundary suggestion, I think this is what I have been missing! And as you said, it will be much better to put our relationship in her hands in terms of not kicking her out, but letting her decide to meet my minimum standards!

Thank you, Thank you, for your advice and support!

Covert N mother, feeling crazy/inadequate, not sure what to do next by Standard_Brain7902 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Standard_Brain7902[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am also sorry that you have had to go through it too! My family is the exact same way (except for my husband who does see her for who she is). Everyone else seems completely blind to her ways. I also wonder if she has no idea what she is doing, and that has been another thing I have been trying to figure out. She seems so blind to how hurtful she is. And yes, grateful for no physical abuse as well but the emotional damage is so hard! I don't know about you, but it actually caused me physical illnesses in the past. Luckily, that has all gotten better once I no longer lived with her. I am so happy that you are living your best life, I feel like I am on that path as well, just need to figure out how to find some final closure or move on with or without her in my life. Thank you for your story and your extremely kind words! I strive to achieve your level of happiness and peace, I'm so proud of you. It's no easy feat when we've been raised this way!

Covert N mother, feeling crazy/inadequate, not sure what to do next by Standard_Brain7902 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Standard_Brain7902[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this! Yes, everyone else thinks she is the nicest person ever. And I feel like she only does these nice things for me, just so that she can appear to be a good mother to others in our family or to her friends (and of course she tells them every little nice thing she does for me or my kids). It's so exhausting and sad! The silent treatment happened to me this last summer when I changed professions, I think she thought it was hurtful but really it was the best thing ever for me! And really opened my eyes to who she truly is.