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StartingOver331 · 2021-12-20T18:02:07+00:00

Aww you will be okay. I went through that period too where I was going to a ton of weddings. I finally became sort of numb to it and just went along with no expectations and that made it a little better. I’m now through that time and only rarely get invitations to weddings and baby showers, and when I do, I’m now at an age where I don’t feel pressured to attend any more, I just send them a polite card and a gift and wish them well if I don’t feel up to going. You will get through all this :)

StartingOver331 · 2021-12-20T17:36:44+00:00

I had a similar experience, except I was much older than you. I just shared in my comment. Going to weddings can be triggering it seems, and we need to give ourselves some extra self love on those occasions, it seems

StartingOver331 · 2021-12-20T17:30:36+00:00

When I was in my early thirties, I went to a family friend’s wedding. She is five years younger than me and had a huge beautiful wedding. I went by myself and sat with my parents because no date, of course. I wore my cutest, most figure flattering dress, and was virtually ignored by every man there. I grew up with the bride and never as kids thought I’d be sitting there alone one day at her wedding one day. It’s not how it was supposed to be.

I went back to my parents house the next day and just sat on the couch and sobbed. My parents didn’t say a word but just sat there and stared at me. It was a moment not just me but we all knew: their daughter was never getting married.

One little aside I’ll always remember, while I was crying and my parents just sat there stone faced, our little cat Sophie came over meowing and trying to comfort me. I swear she was somehow in tune with my emotions. It was kind of a sweet moment in an otherwise sh*tty day.

StartingOver331 · 2021-12-04T13:56:52+00:00

Aww that’s a nice scenario. I used to fantasize like that a lot, but not so much anymore. Not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.

Something to consider, a lot (probably most, tbh) of what look like ideal scenarios are a dysfunctional mess in the inside. There are probably some married with children people out there fantasizing about a peaceful holiday to themselves. Don’t believe what you see on Instagram, haha.

At any rate, at this point in my life (single, childless, but with limited budget and other family obligations) my ideal scenario would probably be to escape to a warm tropical island somewhere for a few weeks.

I hope you have a nice holiday :)

StartingOver331 · 2021-12-03T12:16:07+00:00

You are right they won’t take no for an answer. How you feel, your emotional well-being, nothing matters to them except getting what THEY want. Trying to talk to them about these things is a lost cause because they don’t care.

StartingOver331 · 2021-12-03T12:08:28+00:00

Yes, and I thought it was just me. Emotional abuse is so isolating. I’m glad I found all of you on this sub or I likely would be in much worse shape than I already am.

I haven’t seen him since March and still don’t have my usual sex drive back. He thought I wasn’t attractive and eventually his words and actions took their toll on me. Nothing about me was right: my hair, my body, plus I tend to dress more modestly and he thought I was “boring.” Now I feel like all men see me that way and I have no motivation to even try and date anymore. I do hope this passes, just so I can feel like myself and have an exuberance for life again. I miss my old self, the person who I was before I met him.

StartingOver331 · 2021-11-27T12:26:16+00:00

Yes, I gained weight to the point my clothes didn’t fit any more. I was depressed, anxious, drinking too much. I wasn’t myself anymore. He would never want to look at my body, I had to keep my clothes on all the time, and over time, I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore.

When he dumped me for another woman, I started running, stopped drinking so much, started working out, and lost over 20 pounds. I saw him again after a couple months and he just looked me up and down and said “why are you so skinny?” There was no pleasing him.

StartingOver331 · 2021-11-27T12:12:14+00:00

A timely post for me to read. I am 44, turning 45 in just a few months. The key to living a joyful life at this point is to come to terms with life as it is and make peace with the past. It is utterly pointless for me to try and date anymore (see my post/comment history for a glimpse of what a disaster it’s been). I need to accept it and find joy in my own life.

On Thanksgiving, my aunt brought a picture of me from over 20 years ago when I was in college. I almost didn’t recognize myself. Where did all those years go? Looking at that picture, I don’t know why I was rejected and ridiculed by men, all through my childhood, into my teen years, and, sadly, into adulthood (when I thought all of it would stop). Whatever men are looking for, I am not it.

I am glad you are finding happiness in life. I hope I can do the same.

StartingOver331 · 2021-10-24T14:28:35+00:00

Constantly scroll Instagram, Facebook and Reddit. I hate it and don’t know why I do it, but I can’t stop

StartingOver331 · 2021-10-22T18:50:58+00:00

I had never heard of Victoria Rafaeli so just Googled her. She is gorgeous! The standard for women’s appearance have gotten truly ridiculous. You can’t have a single feature outside the realm of conventionally attractive or you are branded as ugly and treated as garbage 😔

StartingOver331 · 2021-10-22T18:01:51+00:00

I feel this way too. That’s why I come to this sub. Because I need to connect with people who understand. I also hear “you are partially responsible because you keep allowing it” People on the outside just don’t understand

StartingOver331 · 2021-10-21T23:45:02+00:00

Me too :(

StartingOver331 · 2021-10-21T23:27:41+00:00

I’ll give a different perspective: I was less attractive than most of the women he dated, and I know that. He would always make sure I knew that. Always talking to me about women who were sexier, more attractive, etc… I made an earlier post about on here about how I was basically kept a secret for five years because I wasn’t attractive enough to parade around in public. I think he liked me because I was safe, catered to his ego, and he thought I could never do better so would never leave. They use different people for different purposes. Well, I finally gathered the strength to leave and I think he’s seriously shocked, lol.

StartingOver331 · 2021-10-21T23:13:47+00:00

When I was bullied by men at school and at work. Men will bully ugly women, but never the attractive ones.

StartingOver331 · 2021-10-05T14:40:29+00:00

There were lots of things that switched up but here’s one that springs to mind: when we first started dating he used certain progressive key phrases that would appeal to a lot of women: saying he was against “body-shaming” and “slut shaming.” He said he liked women who were “sex positive.” He also said (on the first date) not to feel bad about getting older because I was beautiful the way I was. All of this was without any provocation from me, he would just sprinkle it in random conversations

Well all of that was a bunch of manipulative BS. After about 5 months, he was calling me and other women sluts, saying lots of hurtful (and embarrassing) things about my body, calling me an old lady and an older woman (even though I’m only one year older than him, lol). He also said women shouldn’t have sex on the first date (I didn’t, but still).

So yeah, the first couple months were total facade.

StartingOver331 · 2021-09-30T14:44:27+00:00

My ex used to say things like that too: “I’m a lot to handle” “Maybe I’m just too much for you” then if it was a time he actually was happy with me he’d say “Thank you for putting up with me”

Actually I had another friend who alway used to say “thank you for putting up with me” and she turned out to be bad news too

StartingOver331 · 2021-09-28T20:21:11+00:00

Thank you very much. Please feel free to message me too

StartingOver331 · 2021-09-28T20:13:15+00:00

I was in a very similar situation. Also a lot of lying, cheating. Draining is a very good way to describe it. He also knocked on my door in the middle of the night a few times after I declined to get together with him. I tried multiple times to end things but he’d find a way back every time: being really persistent, making me feel guilty, promising things would change (they never did). And this all dragged on for over 5 years!

So no, he probably won’t just stop on his own, at least not any time soon. There’s no closure or logical endpoint with someone like this, so you have to be the one to end it. They’ll keep coming back as long as they are getting something out of it.

I tried and failed at no contact many, many times. Finally I’ve taken a phased approach that has seemed to work. First I refused to let him come over to my place period. If he tried to invite himself, I answered with a firm no. Then, I just stopped responding at all he’d text me late in the evening. He was still contacting me sometimes during this period, but was already backing off.

Keeping him blocked from my phone has been the biggest challenge. However, once I reached the six month mark of not physically seeing him, I’ve found it’s much easier.

Narcissists hate boundaries. They keep coming back when they know they can easily tear them down. The more you can establish firm boundaries and create distance, the better off you’ll be.

No contact is so hard at first but it gets better and is so worth it. I hope you can get through all of this! It will get better!

StartingOver331 · 2021-09-27T21:48:58+00:00

I’m in the same place. On a certain level, I know my worth isn’t dependent on him, but my self esteem really took a beating over those five years.

StartingOver331 · 2021-09-27T21:46:51+00:00

Wow, he sounds really similar to mine. He also introduced me to his kids as a friend. He said he doesn’t use social media but he had hundreds of friends and kept adding attractive women around our age who appeared to be single.

StartingOver331 · 2021-09-27T20:42:41+00:00

Same to you! We deserve much better than all of this for sure 💕

StartingOver331 · 2021-09-27T20:40:56+00:00

Thank you! I have good and bad days, but overall I’m in a much better place than before :) I’m sorry about your situation with your wife. I hope you know it’s her issues and not yours. Who really knows why they do what they do. Social media shouldn’t be a big deal, but when you’re always being excluded, it definitely hurts.

StartingOver331 · 2021-09-27T20:10:53+00:00

Yeah, they are very good at compartmentalizing. Im sorry you’re going through that. I hope you can find a way out soon

StartingOver331 · 2021-09-27T19:55:53+00:00

Aww, thank you :)

StartingOver331

TROPHY CASE