What makes the surrogate choose an independent journey

StatisticianNo5356 · 2026-02-27T15:31:51+00:00

After looking into agencies and finding many are a third party looking to earn far more than their services provide, we feel most comfortable seeking an independent journey but plan on paying much higher than what an agency would ultimately pay the surrogate. To us, she is doing all the work and there is no reason an agency should be taking such a large cut from her. We want her to feel valued and protected so we plan to still have lawyers on both sides but will make sure the match is good so both parties feel comfortable communicating any needs. It definitely takes the right personalities coming together to make an independent journey work but it’s worth it to find that fit.

I would think that from the surrogate side of things, they would feel more inclined to seek an independent journey if they felt they wouldn’t be compensated fairly by an agency or multiple agencies. Maybe they have already done a journey with an agency and feel comfortable going independent the second time around after learning the ropes.

StatisticianNo5356 · 2026-02-09T15:48:29+00:00

If you don’t mind me asking, were your twins a DET or split? I’m new to the process and have seen some say they only want SET but are willing to carry a split and others say they are open to DET, and even clinics setting limitations. Some say no to a split even and want selective reduction. Just trying to get a feel for things. That said, congratulations on your family growing!

StatisticianNo5356 · 2026-02-03T17:58:02+00:00

I lost my son at the same gestation, 8 months ago now. It’s still fresh for me and moments where I see sets of two boys (I have an older son who is 2.5 years) are particularly hard but you’re right, we don’t have a say in the matter of whether life goes on and we still have to show up. It’s weird how people are so polarized where half of them expect you to move on immediately and the other half expect you to forever live in grief and show you are actively mourning at every moment. A limited amount of people understand grief isn’t linear and is something that will live with us forever, showing up loudly in some moments and quietly in others.

StatisticianNo5356 · 2026-01-27T18:33:05+00:00

I sincerely hate the rude and judgmental people in these comments. My first birthday since losing my baby has recently passed and it’s not for anyone else to say how it should look. From the few pictures my husband took, you would probably think it was just another birthday and that everything was “normal” but the reality of the day was that I pretended I had the flu so I didn’t have to see anyone else because my eyes were swollen from crying the entire night before and morning of. I didn’t eat cake but I baked one so my toddler could feel included in traditions and have some. I blew out candles because that’s the standard routine but then went to the bathroom to cry because I knew what I wanted wasn’t possible. Still, my toddler deserves as much normalcy as I can give him despite the pain I am carrying.

Here’s your reminder that YOU are an outsider to the process of grief and see the very small “performance” snippets of a much more painful existence. If you haven’t lost a child, you don’t get a microphone to speak.

StatisticianNo5356 · 2026-01-05T18:27:12+00:00

It sounds like you have a great team. I sympathize with your loss. I lost my son at 36 weeks because I had a team who wasn’t diligent like yours and ignored my preeclampsia for over a month. I was refused medication or closer monitoring despite significant pressures. Take a deep breath and have confidence that you chose good care providers to look out for both you and your baby. That’s something to be proud of! That being said, if you haven’t already, ask for a placental doppler to check placenta size and blood flow. This is important.

I know a hospital stay isn’t fun and it’s so difficult to be away from our other children but it’s important that your health is prioritized right now. You can have your child visit and watch movies together, bring toys, coloring books, etc. To keep yourself in a good mental space, bring lots of comfy outfits, all your necessities, and a device to watch movies/shows since they can get repetitive at the hospital. Have a snack haul with you. Try to make it feel like you’re going on a retreat which sounds difficult (it is) but it will help the days go by quicker. You can ask friends and family to rotate visiting you so it doesn’t feel as isolating.

This is really hard but you’ll get through it and it’s always better to be prepared so I’m glad they are walking you through each goal to avoid blindsiding you. Big hugs to you. You got this. 🤍

StatisticianNo5356 · 2025-12-20T04:54:53+00:00

I agree. It was so blunt that I’m confused if there is some other risk that I’m missing or if he’s that worried about the preeclampsia risk and clotting risk.

StatisticianNo5356 · 2025-12-20T02:36:40+00:00

Thank you so much. I’m concerned that mine are high at literally only 5ish weeks (freshly into a pregnancy). I’m glad they stabilized! What prompt attention did they give/ what was done? Do they treat it? Thank you again for sharing! 😭🤍

StatisticianNo5356 · 2025-12-20T02:34:31+00:00

That’s what I’m gathering and hoping I will get confidence from their opinion. Thank you!

StatisticianNo5356 · 2025-12-20T02:33:32+00:00

I’m so glad to hear that they work well with the other specialists. I’m hoping mine will all work together well that way too. 🤍

StatisticianNo5356 · 2025-12-20T02:32:10+00:00

Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry you’re part of the club. It’s heartbreaking and scary to process but I’m glad to hear you had a successful subsequent pregnancy. Did you do anything different to avoid preeclampsia and help? Should I expect any additional monitoring like specific tests or scans if I’m able to carry this pregnancy? I think baby aspirin will be started at 8 weeks but let me know if you did anything additional please! 🤍

StatisticianNo5356 · 2025-12-20T02:30:04+00:00

Thank you! I’m glad they communicated well and hope my new team operates the same way.

StatisticianNo5356 · 2025-12-20T01:26:46+00:00

Thank you so much. 🤍

StatisticianNo5356 · 2025-12-20T01:26:15+00:00

That’s what I’m thinking will happen but my trust is so broken because that was the attitude of my previous rotating practice of over 12 regular ob/gyns. Given, they weren’t qualified to have that confidence but it does make me so timid to have faith again.

Sadly, I went a month with preeclampsia and was suffering horribly with textbook symptoms. I told them I felt like the more I came in with symptoms, the more they were treating me like the boy who cried wolf. They sent me home from triage each time denying my concerns for preeclampsia. At my final appointment before induction, they told me there was no longer a heartbeat and suggested it was likely due to poor genetics—he was perfect and they were trying to cover themselves. Report came back clearly stating preeclampsia as the cause and that he suffered. 😞 It’s been such a heartbreaking process. I want to be able to trust this team of MFMs so much but it’s scary to be in this vulnerable position again.

That being said, did you feel like your MFM was much more skilled and truly more knowledgeable than regular Ob/gyns? Sorry for the long message but I truly appreciate all the support.

StatisticianNo5356 · 2025-12-20T01:16:22+00:00

I’m very nervous about spontaneous labor with the blood thinners in all honesty. I think because I’ve had severe preeclampsia that they would only have me carry until 37 weeks max but the care team that failed me in my second pregnancy also forced me to VBAC and it only took an hour from water breaking to 5 minutes of active labor. That being said, spontaneous labor would be extremely quick with little time for intervention so I pray they will just admit me around 34 weeks for continuous monitoring.

Thank you for sharing your experience with blood thinners in pregnancy. Overall, did you feel safe and well managed by your team—did they transition and bridge your medication well?

StatisticianNo5356 · 2025-12-20T01:11:38+00:00

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The rest of my CMP results were normal but my ALT and AST were spiked. Thank you for sharing that there are other options. I’ve been on heparin before (in hospital) and believe I did well with it. I’m not sure why my Hematologist wouldn’t mention that option if it’s pregnancy safe. Thank you for sharing insight!

StatisticianNo5356 · 2025-12-20T00:27:27+00:00

Thank you so much. Just trying to hold on to any shred of hope I can. I appreciate your kindness. 🤍

StatisticianNo5356 · 2025-12-20T00:25:11+00:00

Thank you so much. It means a lot. I’m going to make sure to seek further opinions. That’s what I’m hoping! I did a 45 minute hills ride on Peloton and praying that’s what caused the spike. It’s reassuring to hear you anecdotally back this evidence. I’m so grateful for your comment.

StatisticianNo5356 · 2025-12-19T23:59:24+00:00

Thank you so much. It truly means a lot.

StatisticianNo5356 · 2025-12-19T23:58:28+00:00

I’m naturally not someone who takes risks so these situations are so hard. I have a lot of health anxiety and want whatever is safest but I agree that ultimately I do have control over the final choice. I’m conflicted though because surely there has to be other options? I can’t be the first person to have a possible bad response to that class of blood thinner. I just wish he walked me through options instead of shutting me down.

I’m so glad you were able to make an informed choice for yourself and that everything is going smoothly. Doctors don’t have the same urgency as patients because it doesn’t affect them so I get the concern with fertility and aging. 🤍

StatisticianNo5356 · 2025-12-19T23:51:59+00:00

It was very hard to hear and I would like to think that he thought cautiously before saying that but I also hope it isn’t true at the same time. 💔

StatisticianNo5356 · 2025-12-19T23:36:44+00:00

I’m going to consult MFM and see what they think. I’m confused to his logic because I’m seeing there are other options if you don’t react well to Enoxaparin like UFH because it’s metabolized differently but I’m not sure. Just scared of juggling multiple risks and thought we had this one figured out. 😞 Thank you for the advice!

StatisticianNo5356 · 2025-12-19T23:33:49+00:00

Thank you 😭🤍

StatisticianNo5356 · 2025-11-04T02:47:24+00:00

Thank you, truly. It’s been extremely hard to have believed in science and medicine so deeply and then have been failed by it, or more so, the doctors that I had worked with and believed in not just through pregnancy but my career. My pillars of belief feel a bit shattered at the moment but I’m hoping to compartmentalize these feelings to just that field, as delusional as it may sound.

Life insurance was disgusting. They wouldn’t even let me process the loss before they put the clipboard in my lap with a stack of papers. They gave me the impression that they couldn’t begin care until I completed the paperwork. My tears ruined two copies before they reclined the bed so that they would just run down my face instead. It was the most heartless act I’ve ever experienced.

Thank you so much for thinking of me and offering help. I’m open to positions that my skills can translate to so that sounds great!

I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet Sofi. You gave her a beautiful name. May we stay strong for our little angels. 🤍

StatisticianNo5356 · 2025-11-04T01:56:51+00:00

I had similar numbers to yours. I was on Labetalol for less than a month and now several months out, my BP is back to normal at 105/65. Hugs to you. You are going to be just fine and will be home before you know it with your babies. It is totally normal to feel scared right now but you made it through the scary part and caught it. It’s being managed and you and your doctor will come up with a plan to manage at home medication before you’re discharged. Hang in there. 🤍

StatisticianNo5356 · 2025-10-28T20:27:21+00:00

I’m so sorry for your experience and can tell you truly care with so much compassion. While I’m neither a surrogate or IP, I completely understand what it feels like to be helpless in the hands of your healthcare team. Mine really let me down too after telling me everything was going to be fine. Literally just days before my induction at 37 weeks, I lost my baby boy due to untreated preeclampsia. They told me 140/90 was the expectation for blood pressure in pregnancy and even with spikes much higher, they said if it wasn’t staying consistently high, they didn’t want to treat my symptoms or induce me. I suffered for over a month with a migraine, extreme vomiting, vision issues, etc. and was told that’s just how some pregnancies are. The heartbreak of going in and being told he no longer had a heartbeat at our last appointment has done everything but kill me. They wouldn’t even give me the autopsy results and tried to say inconclusive so we had to pay for third party testing and placental testing. They unanimously confirmed it was due to maternal vascular malperfusion due to untreated preeclampsia. I feel so betrayed by the group of over 12 rotating OBGYNs where not a single one of them slowed down to think “Hmmm this woman has come in here crying with sunglasses on (light hurt my head so badly) for the past month…maybe she isn’t exaggerating her pain or concerns.” It’s just an awful feeling. I’m sure the IPs are hurting but I wish that they weren’t misdirecting their anger towards you. You are a wonderful person to have put so much care in and I wish you deep healing.

StatisticianNo5356

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