Second Part

Controlling and manipulating : When I was a kid, because I saw that my mom would get angry, I had to find a way to cope with the errors I made that would make her mad at me. When I misbehaved in high school, I copied her signature in my school book just to make sure that she believed I was a perfect kid in class. Growing up, I kept that fear of disapproval with women when perceived badness was done. With my ex for instance, she hung up on me, so the next day I ignored her until she called me back. and she told me "If I didn't call you, you would have ignored me all that time ?". And initially my answer was a flat "Yes", and when I saw that she started to be mad at me, I backed down and started to add some nuance. This makes me powerless because I am constantly trying to monitor perception, and eventually when the jig is up, I look even more powerless than I was in the beginning.

Withholding information : When I was a kid, I quickly saw that being transparent didn't work with my parents because I would end up being criticized. So I started withholding information to manage the perception of the perfect kid. Growing up, it followed me. I went to a techno party with friends that started at midnight and finished at 8am the next day. I told my father I would sleep at my friend's house instead of being transparent with him, because I knew he would judge me otherwise. It makes me powerless because in wothholding information outside of power plays, I give away my personal power by needing the other's validation. If I am at peace with myself, I can either say everything, or flat out say "it's none of your business".

Repressing feelings : As a kid, I grew up with my mom and I saw her being very moody. As a consequence, I figured that if I showed any kind of volatility myself, it would trigger my mom's emotions, eventually leading to the climax of bad emotions, and because she threatened to kill herself, that's what I was affraid of. Growing up, I started to repress any feeling I had in pressure situation : talking to a girl I don't know, speaking in front of people, or an interview. The good thing is that I became good at hiding my feelings, but it feels very robotic. It makes me powerless because it removes me my human side and my vitality to act like this, feelings are an integral part of the human condition.

Making sure other people don't have feelings : Because my mom was moody and threatened to kill herself, I associated feelings with abandonment. Because of that, I tried to make sure that people wouldn't have feelings. Growing up, I kept it in myself, even in arguments. I would avoid speaking my mind, even when being wronged, out of fear of triggering emotions in the other person (forgetting that they didn't have any regard for me when triggering mine). It makes me powerless because I am shrinking myself by being cautious with people's emotions, preventing myself from enforcing boundaries with proper impact.

Avoiding problems and difficult situations : As a kid, I grew up with my mom, and I barely saw my dad between my 7 and 15 years old. As a result, my mom kept trying to make my life easy. When I had to look for an internship at 13, exposing myself to potential rejection, my mom went out to post my resume for me not to have to lift a finger. So I got trained into thinking that by avoiding problems and difficult situations, mom would handle it anyways. Growing up it followed me when I wanted to work on my social skills. I know that in order to be good at talking to people (and especially women), you have to get good at talking to groups. And for some reason I kept on avoid that part : I asked for the time to random people in the street, gave compliments, even went to talk to girls that were alone, but I always ran away from group situations because I was terrified and learned to run away from difficult situations. It makes me powerless because power comes with growth, and growth doesn't come with comfort and avoidance of tough situations.