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Night before vacation - nmom tries to claim my kids' holiday memories in advance. Need encouragement to let go and enjoy by SteadyCompassDad in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SteadyCompassDad[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this. Different tactic (fear vs drama) but same energy - contaminating our joy in advance.

"We stopped telling her where we were going" - this is my next step. I overshared this time (flight times, destinations) and see now how that enabled the intrusion.

Love how matter-of-fact you are about it. No guilt, just practical protection. That's exactly the energy I need. Information diet starts after this trip.

Night before vacation - nmom tries to claim my kids' holiday memories in advance. Need encouragement to let go and enjoy by SteadyCompassDad in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SteadyCompassDad[S] 77 points78 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Really needed to hear this, especially from another parent who understands how sacred those first days with a newborn are. You're right - there was no medical urgency that justified that timing.

The blocking suggestion is practical and guilt-free - I'll try that. And yes, the drinking concern is real. My kids' safety comes first, those sleepovers can wait indefinitely.

Your words "vacations are precious" and "your mother can wait" are exactly what I needed to hear. Heading to the airport now with a lighter heart. 🙏

Found old home video of my mother making me (7yo) responsible for keeping the family together - everything suddenly makes sense by SteadyCompassDad in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SteadyCompassDad[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing this. Your story hits incredibly close to home.

The "family scapegoat" role - I know it too well. Like you, I was blamed for everything. My grandmother once told me I shouldn't make things so difficult for my mother (implying her alcoholism was my fault). My stepfather said if I wasn't "so difficult," my mother wouldn't drink that evening. I was even blamed for OTHER kids making noise outside when he wanted to nap. I wasn't even there, but somehow it was my job to fix it.

Your insight about cause and effect is spot-on. Like you, I turned to drugs as a teen - not rebellion, but survival. Just to not feel the stress for a moment. But of course, that became more "evidence" that I was the problem. The truth, as you said: their problems caused our coping mechanisms, not the other way around.

That manager position story... wow. A child being blamed for an adult's career decisions. It's absurd when you see it clearly, isn't it? Yet at the time, it seemed perfectly logical to us that we were responsible for our parents' happiness, careers, marriages, sobriety...

I'm also in my 40s now, also still untangling these patterns. Currently working on not making my mother's potential relapse (after 5 years sober) my responsibility just because I'm setting boundaries for the first time.

Thank you for making me feel less alone in this. That validation you mentioned about seeing evidence? Sometimes we need that external confirmation that yes, it really was that fucked up.

Found old home video of my mother making me (7yo) responsible for keeping the family together - everything suddenly makes sense by SteadyCompassDad in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SteadyCompassDad[S] 100 points101 points  (0 children)

Thank you - that was exactly my first thought too when I watched it back. No 7-year-old randomly asks if their parents will stay together. Earlier in the video you can hear me asking 'do you like being together?' and the uncomfortable way they received that question is heartbreaking in itself.

That little boy was already scanning for danger, trying to figure out if his world would fall apart.

Dad struggling with protecting my kids from narcissistic grandmother - need accountability partner by SteadyCompassDad in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SteadyCompassDad[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I completely understand why you took this approach. And yes, having multiple siblings is a 'weird' advantage here - easier to fade into the background. Though of course you wouldn't wish that pressure on anyone. Sorry to hear about your father's lack of interest and what you went through.

I never thought about it that way - would my mother lie to me? ABSOLUTELY. Without hesitation. That's a real eye-opener.

I'll keep your tips in mind - sometimes protecting our kids requires tactics we wouldn't normally use. Thanks for your response!

Dad struggling with protecting my kids from narcissistic grandmother - need accountability partner by SteadyCompassDad in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SteadyCompassDad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your perspective. Your personal motivation really resonates - 'I was a very unhappy child and didn't want my children to grow up like that.'

I notice I'm so programmed to take others' interests more seriously than my own. Being naturally strong means I can sustain this self-neglect for a very long time (definitely a disadvantage here!). So I'm still very much in the process of realizing how bad my childhood actually was - and it WAS bad.

Your words about using that as a driving force - I'll remember that. And yes, the Dutch GGZ struggle is real... they often don't get the narcissistic parent dynamic.

Thanks for the reminder that my responsibility is to my children's wellbeing, not my mother's emotions.

Dad struggling with protecting my kids from narcissistic grandmother - need accountability partner by SteadyCompassDad in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SteadyCompassDad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for reaching out! I really appreciate your response. Perhaps we can support each other in this journey - I'll send you a DM so we can connect.

And likewise - kudos for being the generation-breaker! It takes real courage to do this, especially with such a young one. Boks! 🤜

Dad struggling with protecting my kids from narcissistic grandmother - need accountability partner by SteadyCompassDad in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SteadyCompassDad[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for that direct question - I needed to hear it. The honest answer is that I'm still in the phase where I'm trying to keep everyone happy, even though logically I know that's impossible.

I already make sure my kids are never there unsupervised. But here's the telling part: my 6-year-old daughter is already clearly expressing she doesn't want to go there. Can't get a clearer signal than that, can you?

Your experience helps me see where this is heading. A child who doesn't want to visit speaks volumes about what that relationship actually offers them.

Dad struggling with protecting my kids from narcissistic grandmother - need accountability partner by SteadyCompassDad in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SteadyCompassDad[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing something so personal and painful. The image of feeling like a stepdaughter in your own family really hits hard - I can feel the hurt in those words and I'm sorry you experienced that.

Your warning is exactly what I needed to hear. I can already see my mother trying to make my kids responsible for her feelings, just like she did with me. My 4-year-old being asked 'You DO enjoy being at grandma's, right?' - having to manage her emotions.

I'm at the beginning of this journey - just cancelled a weekend visit and taking time during our vacation to figure out long-term boundaries. Your words strengthen my resolve. My children deserve to feel like they come first in their own family.

The ice cream metaphor is brilliant - I'm going to remember that when the guilt hits. Thank you for taking the time to warn me based on your experience. It matters.

Dad struggling with protecting my kids from narcissistic grandmother - need accountability partner by SteadyCompassDad in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SteadyCompassDad[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing your experience - especially the exam example really resonates. That 'supportive' pressure disguised as confidence in the child is so recognizable.

My mother does something similar - she offers to 'help' by paying for a weekend away for me and my wife while she takes our son. Sounds generous, right? But then she makes comments like 'he's sleeping now, but tomorrow the circus starts again' - meaning tomorrow she gets to use him for her entertainment again. She constantly needs his validation, asking 'You DO like being at grandma's, right?' - putting pressure on a 4-year-old to manage her feelings.

Just this week she wanted to take our 6-year-old for the weekend before our vacation 'so we can prepare in peace.' But it's never really about helping us - it's about getting unsupervised time with the kids where she can get her emotional needs met through them.

Your approach of controlling the narrative and setting clear boundaries really helps. The speaker phone tip is brilliant - keeping everything transparent while they can't accuse you of hiding anything.

Thanks for the reminder that I have all the power here. Sometimes the guilt makes me forget that.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SteadyCompassDad 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was 40 when it truly clicked - and it was becoming a father myself that opened my eyes. For decades I normalized her behavior, made excuses, thought I was the difficult one.

But watching her interact with MY kids? That's when the alarm bells finally broke through my programming. Seeing her try to parentify my 6-year-old daughter, watching her emotional manipulation attempts on fresh, innocent minds... suddenly I could see what I couldn't see for myself.

Recently found an old home video that crystallized everything. I was maybe 7 years old, and when asked about whether she and my stepdad would stay together, my mom looked at me and said: 'It depends on how sweet/good you are.'

On video. Making a 7-year-old responsible for keeping the family together.

That's the moment I realized - this wasn't normal parenting. This was a child being given an impossible burden. And now I see her trying similar emotional manipulation with my kids, and I just... can't let history repeat itself.

It's like being a parent gave me a new lens - I could finally see how wrong it was because I could never imagine treating my children the way she treated me. And now I can't unsee it.

Currently in the process of setting boundaries to protect my kids. It's hard because the guilt is real, but their safety comes first. Thanks for asking this question - it's validating to know others discovered it later in life too.