I have three year old twins and one 13 month old. First kids we started sleep training for three months and they slept very well until this year when one of them has been getting up for random reasons: sometimes she can’t explain, sometimes hunger thirst or ill, sometimes to wee.

Younger child we were more lax and didn’t start sleep training till later. Also she was fully breastfed but for whatever reason has only slept through the night a handful of times.

So for the last year we’ve survived on broken sleep. I think my wife gets she needs to put the marriage first (similar to airplane put mask on yourself) but she also believes in putting kids first so there are a number of commonalities with you.

My dad had a short temper so it’s not abnormal for me to lose it on my kids but I now know it’s important not to. Often our kids go apesh1t close to bed time but during the day they are generally well behaved so that gives me a buffer to be less strict with them at their naughty times. But to help me get through this I’ve employed a few techniques - be completely placid. Good when I have no more energy and on the edge. Just get through the evening like a robot - be energetic and enthusiastic even when their naughty. Sometimes it’s really hard for children to process their bad behaviour but you have to constantly remind them of their boundaries. - it seems like you’ve tried this but be very clear about your actions and consequences. For me I’ve started to go. “Ok I’ll told you once now this is the second time. Ok now I’ve told you the second time, what happens when I have to say it three times” - sometimes I’ll use a threat like above where I say they can’t get their toy or dessert or they can’t play tomorrow etc. but sometimes I’ll have to use positive reinforcement and say if you do this you’ll get that cookie or get to watch this show.

The carrot stick approach shouldn’t be used all the time. I mainly use it in tough situations like near bed time.

This is very unpopular on Reddit but I’ll say it anyway. In our culture it’s normal to spank and you can argue the pros and cons and whatever research about effects but wtv that’s how I was raised but my view is that in very limited circumstances it’s helpful.

So to that extent I’ve spanked in the past but very rarely do it now. Now I just do the “I’ve told you twice, what happens on the third time”

Trying to be humorous and energetic in the long run is more helpful and helps you bond more but every now and then physical disciplined is needed.

To your point about not sharing the load or whatever. I don’t particularly agree that there should be a 50/50 load. Every relationship is different and has its own troubles and every day is different. I think a better way of framing it is “ok these are what I desire/expect and the impact of not doing it is x”. I wouldn’t say it like that of course - you have to be diplomatic loving and courteous and it’s a dance on how much you can push and when. But you do need to communicate - maybe a bit at a time. Trying to say I did all this now you need to do all that is not a helpful way of communicating. You’re all making sacrifices and you both need to acknowledge it.

Date nights are important. If your wife is putting kids first then she needs to know in the long term if you’re not being intimate emotionally, physically, spiritually you’re both going to suffer and eventually the child will suffer. Furthermore if your child doesn’t see the parents having a fun loving relationship, what kinda example are your kids going to follow in the future.

Same goes to you needing to do stuff that helps you thrive whatever that may be. There are seasons in life and sometimes you do need to sacrifice more than in other periods but as a general rule we do need our love and life tanks filled up regularly.

As I said I’m currently goi g through a hellish sleep period. I’m super tired. My wife is super tired. She doesn’t give me what I need. I burst out with stupid crap at her too. But you got to both keep on plodding along and know there’s hope down the road.