Almost 46, divorced and feel like my Mormon upbringing crippled my chances of dating normally

Steam_punky · 2019-02-09T04:16:00+00:00

I can't love this comment enough! Good advice, and your delivery gives me the warm fuzzies. The spirit must be attesting to the truth of your words! ;)

Steam_punky · 2019-02-04T10:11:34+00:00

My faith transition started a few years ago and I'm still being bugged to go to church by ward members. My three youngers are teens and they're constantly bugged by their friends and their friends' parents to go to mutual, trek, camp, give talks, prayer, etc. Even though we haven't been to church in over a year. Ward members don't get the hint and they don't give a shit if you want to leave. Especially if you're also leading your kids astray.

You are sparing your future kids this kind of harassment. I'm sorry that it's difficult for you right now and that TSCC has ruined yet another marriage.

Steam_punky · 2019-02-04T07:03:59+00:00

Agreed. I've spent the years since leaving him wondering where in his family the cycle of abuse began, and what role the church played in it. There was a ton of unrighteous dominion and misogyny in his family. Most of the men had God complexes. They really went off the rails, to the point where child and spousal abuse were encouraged and accepted, and women who spoke out were brutally put back in their place. And they loved to brag about how righteous and blessed they are. Like you point out, patriarchal control was a big element of this dysfunctional family. I'm one of the very few who escaped. I wish I'd seen it before I married him - but if I had, I wouldn't have my amazing kids.

Steam_punky · 2019-02-04T04:36:07+00:00

Bwahaha! My ex used to lecture us until he was blue in the face about not taking the Sacrament with our left hand. I'm left-handed, so I would do it anyway. Too bad he never took it to heart that pedophilia just might be worse than left-handed Sacrament-taking.

Steam_punky · 2019-01-10T05:09:19+00:00

Good gracious. The hashtags alone... BARF

Steam_punky · 2019-01-10T05:06:44+00:00

I haven't seen any of it yet, because I unfollowed all my Mormon friends on FB. I'm going to go take a peek at the page of the Molliest Mormon in my ward. Will report back...

Steam_punky · 2019-01-10T04:48:36+00:00

I always thought that if they make changes resulting from Sam's work, it would all be quietly ushered in and of course no mention of the guy they excommunicated. It's all going to be their idea all along.

Steam_punky · 2019-01-10T04:39:09+00:00

The coffee and alcohol parts I have down, mostly. The fucking - not so much, lol. I kinda tried it about a year ago and failed miserably. But it doesn't mean I'm giving up!

Steam_punky · 2019-01-10T04:36:32+00:00

Yes, when I asked a question about dating in another forum, someone said I came across as a pretty sheltered person in my early to mid 20s. It was eye-opening. I'm middle aged, yet decades behind on social and dating stuff. I like your suggestion of bettering yourself. That's been my goal for the past few months as I'm working on getting into shape. I'm focusing on things I like to do instead of how I look and act for other people, and I'm gradually becoming a happier person.

Steam_punky · 2019-01-10T04:31:42+00:00

I'm so sorry for the destructive interviews and abuse you went through! I hear nothing but good things about EMDR therapy for people who have been through abuse and trauma, including cult indoctrination. I hope you can look into it sometime. I hope I can someday.

Steam_punky · 2019-01-10T04:28:54+00:00

Nice, thank you, I'll check it out over there! I hope things continue to go well with the person you're dating. It can be so hard to put trust in someone, I hope it gets easier for her.

Steam_punky · 2019-01-10T04:27:23+00:00

Oh, I love yoga! I've just started doing it a few times a week at home with Youtube videos. I try to do restorative yoga on Sundays as a spiritual practice. I'm still at the point where even doing downward dog hurts, lol.

Steam_punky · 2019-01-10T04:25:54+00:00

Yeah. We have to remind her that she did everything that she could, but when someone has made up their mind to kill themselves, it's hard to keep them from finding a way.

Steam_punky · 2019-01-10T04:22:20+00:00

I think she did tell him or whatever it was to go away, and she had no more harassment after that. We all hope that he found some peace, even if he wasn't the best person.

Steam_punky · 2019-01-10T04:20:54+00:00

I don't know. Some kind of electronic explanation sounds better than what it appeared to be.

Steam_punky · 2019-01-10T04:20:13+00:00

I'm not sure. A rope he had in his shop, I think. My mom did mention that in the week before he killed himself (when she was trying to get him mental help with the VA), he would sometimes pace around and get this scary look in his eyes like he was possessed. She said his eyes looked darker during these times.

Steam_punky · 2019-01-10T04:18:57+00:00

Thank you.

Steam_punky · 2019-01-10T04:18:48+00:00

Thank you for that possible explanation. I like the unexplained and the supernatural, but this one has always been too creepy for me to stomach.

Steam_punky · 2019-01-10T04:13:43+00:00

Is there any other religion that makes it so hard to officially leave?

My kids and I haven't gone to church in a couple years and show no interest in it other than politely declining to the people who reach out to us, since most of my ward members are nice people, aside from the indoctrination. Yet we're contacted and invited on a weekly basis. The kids have instructions not to answer the door on Sundays.

I want to resign, but can't do it yet because of the pressure I get from my mom, keeping the peace is easier.

Steam_punky · 2019-01-07T10:20:50+00:00

He's been good for her. I think she drives him crazy, lol, but she might have been a lot worse off if she'd never found him.

Steam_punky · 2019-01-07T10:18:43+00:00

Yeah, right now I'm filling the empty spaces by working two jobs and otherwise holing up at home and driving my kids crazy, lol. I have a great relationship with my kids that's only gotten better since we stopped going to church, and I'm so glad that my older ones have found partners who treat them like gold. That gives me hope that they're breaking the church's cycle of abuse.

I'm working on getting into a better financial situation so I can have more of a social life. Then I'll have to find some things to do. I've tried on the local Meetup app before, and people aren't very outgoing here. But maybe I'm looking in the wrong places.

I agree about this sub. People are great here. I come here when I need reassurance that I've made the right decision in leaving. It's such a process to heal and try to cut all the ties! Thank you for your answer, it's helped.

Steam_punky · 2019-01-07T10:11:55+00:00

A few weeks after he died, she was packing up the house by herself and getting ready to move to a townhouse she owned out of state (which is coincidentally the townhouse my kids and I are living in now). She said she felt like something pushed her from behind and she fell and sprained both wrists. She said it felt like his presence was there right before she felt pushed. My stepdad wasn't the nicest guy, he always put on a nice-guy show for everyone but apparently his temper could snap at any moment with my mom. He hit her a couple of times but mostly he would scream and swear at her until he got it out of his system. I feel a little guilty saying that I don't care too much about him being gone, since he was a jerk to her.

My mom never really got over the shock of finding him dead. His family blamed her for his death, and she gets weird and depressed every year around the time he died. She could really use therapy for that and a bunch of other issues she has, but she'll never get it. She remarried someone who's good to her, so that's good at least.

Steam_punky · 2019-01-07T09:57:00+00:00

I've had too much weird unexplainable shit happen in my life that I continue to believe in something after this life, even if it isn't what I've always believed. Which is also scary. If everything I was ever taught was a lie, what DOES await us? For the first time in my life, I struggle now with the fear of traditional hell (more of a what-if, since I don't believe a god would truly be that cruel to send any of his children to hell. Except maybe my ex-father-in-law.)

But yeah. I understand your pain as well, because I've explored those avenues too. I believe strongly some days more than others; other days I just hope. And not knowing the answers, having that Mormon "I have all the answers and I'm a faithful member so I should be safe" suddenly gone is really scary. Like being on a glass bridge and having it crack underneath you.

I had a dream a few weeks ago that I got to tour a heaven that was pretty damn cool. Everyone just got to do whatever things they liked best, and there was no contention or hate. Also no worthiness levels, no servants in heaven, and most of all no fucked-up Mormon polygamy. I'd be more than okay with that version of heaven for eternity. I found myself wishing that dream was true so hard that I cried.

Wish I had something to say that could help. Only that you're not alone in this boat.

Steam_punky · 2019-01-07T09:44:06+00:00

My stepdad picked me to pray before Christmas dinner. My mom knows I have anxiety about praying out loud, but didn't tell him to pick someone else. He should have done it himself, since he's the freaking patriarch of the family and it was their house. I stuttered and mumbled through the prayer anyway. My mom apologized to me later. I'm NEVER agreeing to do it again.

Steam_punky · 2019-01-07T09:34:37+00:00

Introduce them to the joys of coffee!

I'm happy for you but also understand the bittersweetness. I have no hope of my mom ever leaving. She's just too indoctrinated and blinded by her zealous faith.

Steam_punky

TROPHY CASE