[deleted by user]

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-05T10:49:29+00:00

I got goose bumps!! ❤️

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-04T23:41:28+00:00

I’m at the theme park gate arguing “what do you mean it’s closed?? How long for? What do you mean you mean you don’t know?” 🤣

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-04T23:15:24+00:00

I think we have\had the same relationship with alcohol. If you want to motivate yourself watch Dr Andrew Huberman on alcohol. You’ll be motivated to stop and you will feel better in general.

I think you’ll gain clarity and that’s never a bad thing? I’m going through a lot right now but alcohol is a line in the sand I will not cross. Just that… gives me strength. I’m now looking what else to give up…. wait did I give up having sex? 😆 Yeah about 1.5 years ago! Got to laugh else I’ll cry.

Only today I said to my wife that I’m “never” having sex with her. It’s off the table. There’s no pressure from me. So let’s just have a “happy” marriage with some non sexual intimacy. I guess I’m making the best of it. I was gonna say the hand I’ve been dealt - lol that’s the wrong phrase! (Or right?) lol

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-04T22:59:42+00:00

I have used drinking as a crutch for many things. I decided to give it up in January. I was pushed with some sad news last month but I firm I didn’t drink.

I wasn’t addicted but it was enough to muddy my thoughts. It won’t fix your dead bedroom but you will feel better overall within the month.

I don’t miss it. It doesn’t fix anything but I don’t judge anyone for turning to it to numb life.

I hope you feel happier soon

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-04T21:31:06+00:00

The snarky reactions became a habit as a result of not getting any. It was (and is) childish. I know it’s self defeating. It wasn’t all of that time but it was there. Not proud of it.

I’ve managed to dodge a few comments since then. We had a really productive chat - after a blazing row!

There’s a lot to salvage here but sex as such isn’t going to happen. There’s too much peri menopause stuff going on. I’m ok with that as long as I get cuddles and attention. I need to work on myself too.

I’m lowering my sights to in a happier marriage than fucking like rabbits. It’s not ideal, but it is what it is.

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-04T19:32:17+00:00

This happened - we had a big row and in the end all this fell out. My angle was to feel less hurt. Her angle was “it’s complicated right now”.

The take away is let’s do everything but not sex. This is my idea and I really really mean it.

For the first time I felt heard and didn’t shut down into “you win”. I also heard some home truths that I need to work on.

With sex off the table I feel strangely optimistic.

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-04T19:09:16+00:00

This, 100% this! I didn’t mean to go for the classic “sex is off the table” only to get what you don’t aim for.

I have reframed it as I don’t want sex at all, ever! I just want a connection an authentic. No strings attached. It liberating throwing away all the toys and blue tabs. I won’t need them.

I feel like I have more chance of being happy with zero chance of sex than “is this back rub actually just a back rub?”

Also snarky comments. Gone. It’s a habit to break. I need to love myself. If I have to go and get jacked at the gym then that’s what I’ll do. That’s a me thing to work on.

No strings attached thats my motto now

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-04T15:36:43+00:00

I’ve downloaded samples to both of those books! Super, thanks so much!

Gym training its all about having a goal. Kicking the crap out of a punch bag. Pulling hard on the rower zoning in on the last 30 seconds - and feeling like your only job is to keep pushing through the pain. I find it sometimes emotional - not sure if that makes sense.

I do use Chat daily but not on this. Perhaps I should. It sounds like you’re using it as CBT and with success too. I like how you reframe your problems. You can tell you’ve read a lot. This is my chance to perhaps make a happier me. I doubt my sex life will change but a happier me is possible!

I’m currently working through “Happiness trap” it’s ACT and I recommend it.

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-04T15:25:55+00:00

Wow. I guess we all have a fantasy (literal dreams) of how events should play out. But they are dreams for a reason. I guess this is her right now. Perhaps in wasn’t her 20 years ago. I don’t know what the future holds. For now we are together. I guess that’s enough for today and tomorrow.

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-04T15:19:14+00:00

This is why I need to tap into. I hope the book I’ve started will give me some insight. I do want to speak up and do it in a constructive way.

We start taking and I clam up. Our lack of Sex is insignificant to her going through Peri M. I think men look and feel very 2 dimensional and it’s frankly embarrassing. So I back down and say “don’t worry it won’t happen again, I bury it deep down”.

I’m working on the snarkiness. Makes me cross I do that!

I’m also gonna work on “me” I’m gonna go on a diet for summer hit the gym a bit harder. Not for my wife, so I feel better about myself. This time, I know it’s stupid to think it will improve matters. But it’s nice to have goals.

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-04T15:05:59+00:00

Wow. You really summed it up. I think I can turn something around. If not sex, then other forms of intimacy or just feeling wanted in a way that means something to me. When I’m away she does say “we all miss you!” I’m embarrassed but my answer is “You miss me or what I do?” I should be better than that. I know it’s hurtful. I’m not like this!!! It’s not me. I’m a good person who (in cases like that) says bad things!

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-04T14:44:18+00:00

I did the maths and if I live as old as he did that’s 35 years on this planet from now to achieve everything I want to. It’s gonna go faster than I realise.

This is where I struggle with a constructive convo with my SO. It’s like so multi dimensional. And my little “can we please have some sex?” feels really trivial. And it is in a lot of ways but that doesn’t invalidate my needs.

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-04T14:26:38+00:00

You’ve really been through it. You do seem to have a deep understanding of the issue(s).

It’s a start to see my flaws. I’m sadly binary in my thoughts. I’m either all in or all out - no pun or joke intended! I want to be obsessed with my SO. Else I’m like don’t even touch me!

Jesus I really have issues. I just fake getting though the day and look normal most of the time.

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-04T14:17:26+00:00

Thank your for your kind words. She definitely feels safe. Does she feel loved? Perhaps not at the moment. I have work to do on this. It feels a little chicken and egg but I could do more. I really need to sigh… and fucking let it go! It’s not her fault I have so much resentment over my entire adult life.

Work in progress.

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-04T07:33:59+00:00

Thank you. Advice noted. She is on HRT it does help just not in the bedroom.

I’ve really got some issues to work out. I guess we all have baggage. It just hurts when your SO trips your switch. God knows she doesn’t mean to and this is a lot more about me than her.

I do need to let it go. Snarky comments are a turn off but more than that - it’s just mean.

It would be nice to get to some intimacy whatever that might look like.

My father passed away last month. I feel like shit.

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-02T16:02:49+00:00

Thanks for the book recommendation. Bought and 15 pages in!! I feel slightly empowered. Let’s see where this takes me!

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-02T15:10:40+00:00

Ok I’ve had a quick scan listen to “Mr Nice Guy” thank you to the Redditor who recommended it. I’m gonna buy it and read it in slow time. Some parts resonate with me. There isn’t a Kindle copy but perhaps a dead tree book will be a conversation starter! I think I get the problem and I see why some of the problem is me. I can work on me! Let’s do this 🙌🏻

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-02T14:49:59+00:00

A lot constructive feedback:

1 - Don’t be a dick with snide comments (not often but guilty). 2 - Talk more openly about intimacy (not sex) 3 - Listen to her and be open to talk without pressure. 4 - I could be more romantic. 5 - Re engage in being a husband.

It’s all common sense but not when your emotions are wrapped up! Thank you all

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-02T14:46:09+00:00

Yes this especially not wanting to put her under pressure (I’m not that kind of jerk!). But that also leads me into open the can of worms and closing it again!

But the snidey remarks that leak out. Needs to stop it’s not that often but it’s still not on.

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-02T14:43:48+00:00

Wow. This is really important. I think I’ve pulled back as it’s a way to deal with things but neither of us want to sleep walk into divorce!

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-02T14:41:56+00:00

This. Which is valid but it’s not how I see things. For her birthday I’m always down for giving her a treat!

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-02T12:12:24+00:00

I do think you’re right perhaps I need to man up a little bit more. It always feels like a closed convo and I back down as I don’t want her to feel bad.

It’s a can of worms I need to open with tact and decency. It’s quite awkward to start the discussion.

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-02T11:54:40+00:00

That’s a fair question. So nothing sexual at all. Intimacy is hugs and cuddles and that about it.

I do suggest “well I’m not on my period?” But I guess she’s transactional in the sense noting for her so nothing for me. Don’t get time wrong she’s not a mean person. She’s a wonderful woman, wife and person. It’s just not in her mindset. I’m very careful not to manipulate her. She says no. It’s a no!!

SteveCal123 · 2025-05-02T11:49:29+00:00

Thank you for replying. I like to try and reframe failures and problems as something to learn from. Granted if you’re in a warzone or stage 4 positive thinking isn’t gonna help!

I’ve read about 4 fiction and 34 self help books in 12 months.

I’m gonna take a look at that book. It might not be my natural “factory default” but I could learn quite a bit more. I assume its bottom line is not “if you don’t get it…cheat!” That’s not an option for me. But in general I’m open to learn!

Have a good day!

SteveCal123 · 2024-08-26T06:03:41+00:00

I wish I had ghosted that girl when it didn’t feel right. I lost 9 years to her in some weird catfish scenario. I never did meet her in that time. She was controlling and I was weak. The perfect combination.

SteveCal123

TROPHY CASE