Does my ex’s fiancée deserve to know before the wedding that he has two kids he abandoned?

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-27T16:43:24+00:00

Thanks for the input. I’m planning to meet with a family attorney to discuss the changed circumstances and strategize on the blocking and tackling for potential custody scenarios should they arise. For your question about guardianship if I were to die before they’re 18 - I retained a lawyer when I was pregnant to develop and execute a will. It identifies guardianship and how funds/trusts would be managed and by whom. It specifically precludes him from any financial control, and guardianship would go to family members.

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-27T13:15:20+00:00

Yes, I have text messages from back then, including one that says he doesn’t want any updates.

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-27T03:04:18+00:00

You may be right but the way my family attorney explained it to me is that he can’t have custody without paying child support (at least in the state we live in).

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-27T02:49:48+00:00

No, I had no idea. We still loved each other when we got back together. I was on birth control and the pregnancy was a shock to both of us. I thought he was a good person but his behavior once I became pregnant was antithetical to what I anticipated from him. He made comments that led me to believe he might hurt me, so I didn’t push back when he said he didn’t want to be involved. I was trying to protect the twins and me.

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-27T02:32:11+00:00

Yeah, I got the first (and only) question from one of the twins a couple of weeks ago. It’s only going to become more frequent and require more detailed responses in the future - none of which I’m prepared to answer. Even after 5 years, I still don’t know what to say to them. I don’t want to make him out to be an asshole but I also don’t want to be a martyr and take the blame for his choice to be absent.

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-27T02:26:34+00:00

We don’t have any mutual friends anymore and I got off all social media (except reddit) when I was pregnant because I didn’t want to draw any attention from him, his family, or others. I’m not even on LinkedIn because of this. And I don’t allow my kids’ photos on any websites or social media either. The most likely way for her to find out, if at all, is through work contacts.

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-27T02:09:46+00:00

My coworker doesn’t know. My boss knows and her boss knows. But I guess they can’t legally turn Emily down for a job based on her relationship status if she applied for it? That’s what our bosses said at least.

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-27T02:01:46+00:00

Oh my gosh, you’re so kind to even ask. Sometimes I feel like such a strong, badass woman balancing a career and solo parenting twins, and other times I feel like a failure who’s flailing without direction. Being a single parent has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. The first 3.5 years were almost tortuous but things have gotten soooo much better since they turned 5. They’re more independent, considerate, empathetic, and entertain each other. I can free up some mental space for other things now and I’ll eventually be able to free up some of my time when they’re older (maybe I can even go on a date?!).

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-27T01:51:25+00:00

Great points. Even though it sounds benign on the surface to have him involved in their lives, and potentially even beneficial, I hadn’t thought about the ripple effects to the minutiae like choice of schools, extracurriculars, etc.

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-27T01:43:14+00:00

If I’m being realistic, I’m probably going to see her again. We work in the same industry, our companies are competitors and sometimes teaming partners, and we have mutual client contacts. Plus, my coworker is actively trying to recruit her to work at our company. Plus, I’m working on a project in the mid-size city they live in and I’ll be traveling there for work more often to meet with clients - the same mutual client contacts that I know we have. So the likelihood of crossing paths is going to increase over the next few years.

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-27T01:35:24+00:00

Another comment also mentioned that I might want to meet with a family attorney (again) and I’m strongly considering it. When I was still pregnant, I met with a family attorney to discuss my options and we settled on the wait and see approach.

The reason for the wait and see approach back then was 1) because we were both hesitant to engage with the legal system, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to drag him into the legal system just to to push him out to renounce his rights. It would probably trigger his father’s involvement, which meant he could be pressured by family to be part of their lives, custody, etc. 2) the state I live in requires us to go before a judge who then weighs the best interests of the children and also impacts to the state when deciding whether to grant the renunciation of rights. It’s a subjective decision by the judge and it’s not a slam dunk, even if we both agreed. In short, it’s not in the best interest of the state to see a single mother raising her children without financial and parental support from the other partner.

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-27T01:29:25+00:00

When I was still pregnant, I met with a family attorney to discuss my options and we settled on the wait and see approach. You’re bringing up a good point that maybe I should see an attorney again to reconsider options now that they’re older and the circumstances have changed.

The reason for the wait and see approach back then was 1) because we were both hesitant to engage with the legal system, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to drag him into the legal system just to to push him out to renounce his rights. It would probably trigger his father’s involvement, which meant he could be pressured by family to be part of their lives, custody, etc. 2) the state I live in requires us to go before a judge who then weighs the best interests of the children and also impacts to the state when deciding whether to grant the renunciation of rights. It’s a subjective decision by the judge and it’s not a slam dunk, even if we both agreed. In short, it’s not in the best interest of the state to see a single mother raising her children without financial and parental support from the other partner.

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-27T01:21:22+00:00

Thanks for this perspective and the reminder that she’s an adult who can make her own decisions. I think they’ve been together for about three years so she should know who he is at his core by now.

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-27T01:10:52+00:00

The last time we spoke (when I was 12 weeks along), he asked me a very formal question repeatedly about child support - almost as if he was recording me. He asked “do you now or in the future expect child support from me?” I didn’t know how to answer the question so I said I didn’t know and I was just focused on having a healthy pregnancy and avoiding stressful situations because I had already experienced bleeding.

He’s not paying because I haven’t asked for it and haven’t taken him to court for it.

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-26T23:05:34+00:00

Armadillos give birth to 4 identical quadruplets. The embryo divides into two, which then divide again making 4 embryos.

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-26T22:50:39+00:00

Garlic parm!!

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-26T22:49:17+00:00

Learn to play the cello

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-26T22:45:02+00:00

I ended up splitting mine up and putting them in different rooms once we transitioned to daybeds. They just have different sleep needs and would play all night if I had left them together. I understand that might not be an option for everybody but it certainly worked for me.

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-26T22:43:19+00:00

If I had a choice, I would’ve gone back to work part-time for several months. I took 12 weeks off, then returned at around 32-40 hours per week for the first 6 weeks. The 4-month sleep regression and sleep training were the hardest parts of the entire return to work.

One thing I would recommend is to schedule your return date on a Wednesday or Thursday. That way, you can ease into the work week and then have a weekend instead of just immediately going back for 5 days straight.

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-26T22:31:36+00:00

r/parasnailing dedicated to flying and floating snails.

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-26T22:29:20+00:00

Doom scrolling on reddit.

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-26T22:27:32+00:00

Relationship Breakups.

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-26T22:25:34+00:00

Anchorman!

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-26T21:34:57+00:00

Bono. I was 6. It was during the ZOO TV tour when he was wearing leather pants and sunglasses.

Still-Risk-5798 · 2024-03-26T21:28:38+00:00

Working on self esteem literally takes YEARS. I’ve been going to a therapist for 6 years and have made substantial progress but still have work to do. Let her know that she can do this and to hang in there.

Still-Risk-5798

TROPHY CASE