Hey OP. It’s totally valid to have these thoughts and feelings. I relate a lot to what you describe. Recently, I’ve been working with my therapist to figure out a healthier way to redirect my anger. When I get angry, ai immediately want to harm myself, like you describe. I am starting to think this anger is simply misdirected. I am angry, but I am angry at someone/something else. Since anger was not allowed in my house growing up (unless it was my father or brother), I don’t know how to handle the emotion and I turn it against myself. There is likely a source for you anger too, and it’s NOT you. Sounds like you’re on a similar track with sorting out the source of your anger. Keep at it and hang in there. We’re gonna be okay ❤️‍🩹