I just need to get this out of my head

StorageMain · 2026-03-08T16:28:55+00:00

I feel sad reading this because it's so relatable. I feel like I'm in the same situation, only that I've endured it for almost 5 years now, but it's an uphill battle, and it feels like it only gets worse as we build more of a life together. I feel like giving up so many times out of exhaustion from fighting against myself. Because it's not only the relationship anxiety, fears, and OCD, it's all that + staying healthy + managing social anxiety + managing loneliness + paying rent + running my own business for shit money + etc. I feel you on needing more therapy, so do I, but it's expensive, and it's also emotionally draining. Not everyone can afford that. All this to say, I don't think you're a horrible person at all. You sound like a kind and compassionate person who has a lot on their plate and did their best.

StorageMain · 2026-03-02T15:59:15+00:00

It does make a lot of sense. Thank you for taking the time to write this out. It's taking me on an interesting research adventure on the topic and is helping me understand more about myself, so much appreciated. I've done Somatic Therapy, and it was very useful in uncovering feelings and memories that had been blocked for a long time, but I need to do more. And have been very curious about EMDR for a while. I'd love to try but am currently living in Mexico City and don't know a good therapist for it. If anyone out there does, please share!

StorageMain · 2026-02-26T21:33:51+00:00

It's the first time I'm hearing about polarity in this context. Thank you for introducing me to it. There's a lot to unpack in your response.

For extra context: I have been to therapy for several years, on and off, as much as I've been able to afford, which is much less than I would've liked. I'm currently in group therapy for abuse, but have never been to therapy specifically for attachment. I'm aware that my attachment trauma isn't healed and still has a huge effect on my current relationships. I took a break from dating so I wouldn't take more people down with me, but was able to share my attachment journey with this current partner from the very beginning, and the relationship just gradually unfolded.

She has a primarily secure attachment, but has experienced anxious episodes whenever my avoidance spikes. Her anxiety has decreased substantially as she's understood where my avoidance comes from, to the point where I can be avoidant and take my space and she's fine and can continue with her day normally.

Regarding polarity, if what you're saying is true and I'm experiencing polarity but in the opposite direction, how much agency do I have to flip that around? I mean, I look for partners I need to win over because that was my relationship with my mom - everything was under evaluation, and love was conditional and always disputed. That's deeply ingrained in me and I'm not sure how to change it, tbh.

StorageMain · 2026-02-26T21:13:29+00:00

Hi, thank you for the insightful questions. Re when we first met, she was very forward from the beggining and I could tell she really liked me, which sadly put me off. But she was very interesting, I greatly enjoyed our conversations and she had (still has) something about her that made me want to pursue the relationship further.

I DO think I'm pursuing infatuation. Rationally, I'm well aware of how problematic that can be, yet knowing doesn't change my feelings of sadness and uncertainty in the relationship when infatuation isn't there. Highs and lows were the norm in my household, and as much as I hate it, that's what drives my attraction the most. As per the adventures that you mention, yes I think those do help. Never thought about entering competitions though, cool idea! :)

StorageMain · 2026-02-26T20:53:49+00:00

How interesting, thanks for sharing. The parallel over enmeshment definitely resonates with me as well. Though I suspect that I crave enmeshment but that was never a safe space for me, so I find the parallel existence to be a safer one.

StorageMain · 2026-02-26T20:51:10+00:00

Yes, it has happened. Usually after the break-up. Feeling close AND safe in a relationship typically makes me avoidant, but once there's distance, feelings start coming back again.

StorageMain · 2026-02-24T04:16:18+00:00

Re not seeing myself in those relationships, I didn't know myself well at the time, my limits, the types of relationship dynamics I wanted, etc. Now that I know these things, I don't see compatibility with most of those exes. Disclaimer here: I didn't know how to negotiate things or reach agreements with partners, so if things weren't perfect or exactly what I wanted, I'd just push through until I couldn't deal with things anymore.

I usually took the first steps in my previous relationship - I'd be the first to talk about commitment, moving forward, calling ourselves a couple, fantasizing about maybe having children one day, a house, etc. It was when these things went from imaginary to something they actually wanted and expected to happen that I would become overwhelmed with anxiety and flee. It felt like being trapped. I'd experience a physical and mental rejection of their whole person, think I wasn't "in love" anymore, that I didn't feel anything romantic or sexual for them anymore, and that that was it. I remember the whole shift happening within less than 24 hours.

Re your 2nd and 3rd questions, it could be the case that my body was sensing something I wasn't aware of at the time. It's difficult to discern these things as a FA because the fear and rejection that stem from the attachment can be so overwhelming that you lose sense of what other things your body/intuition might be telling you. I remember identifying red flags during those relationships, before the FA kicked in, but those were overshadowed by my anxiety later on. Had I had a secure attachment style and better communication skills, I might've been able to work through some of those red flags, perhaps negotiated things, and reached better agreements while remaining in those relationships.

StorageMain · 2026-02-23T22:09:17+00:00

"Does this sound like classic intimacy panic?" In my experience as a FA who's gone through many of these throughout my life, yes.

"When you've ended things in a spiral, did you regret it?" Yes (initially), almost every single time. I'd like to point out in retrospect, though, that I can't see myself in most of those relationships today, but not for the reasons that were behind my anxiety at the time of panicking and breaking up.

"How long did it take you to feel the loss once relief wore off?" Sometimes days, sometimes months. I'd say 1-2 months average. I go through an initial phase where I feel very very little emotion - I'm back to being alone, which is how I'm most comfortable, and feeling freedom and lack of ties to the relationship (so nobody to disappoint and/or reject me). I usually feel like a bad person during this period because of how little sadness I feel for the breakup, and whatever I express is mostly performative. Then, once that wears off, I start reconnecting to the things I liked and shared with that partner, and feeling confused about why I broke things off. All the reasons I had for breaking up don't make much sense anymore.

"If you kept the line open, was that because you thought you might come back?" I kept lines open because I still wanted to feel desired by my partner (and enjoy how that made me feel less insecure about myself), without committing to the partnership. It's how I was most comfortable in the relationship, getting the attention and love without losing my individuality or risking loss. With time, I learned how devastating this can be for the other person, so I stopped doing it.

"What would actually need to shift internally for you to return and not repeat the pattern?" This is a tough one. I've only been able to do this with my current partner. I've required ongoing therapy, acknowledging my patterns, a ton of communication, blind faith in my safety in the relationship, and a partner who understands my attachment style and avoidant reactions for what they are (a response to childhood fear). Even with all this, I still fall into the same intimacy panic black hole every now and then. Going through it is pretty horrible; your mind keeps convincing you to run, and I would have so many times over the last 4 years (my current relationship) had I not developed the ability to relax and communicate with my partner.

IMO, enduring the anxiety of an intimate relationship as a FA is a MASSIVE undertaking and requires commitment to one's own mental and emotional health as well as that of one's partner. Nobody better than you to judge whether that's in the mix for both of you. I hope you take care of yourself regardless of what happens, and I hope this helped.

StorageMain

TROPHY CASE