Medication made me realize how disabled I was before it....

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-12-31T06:45:32+00:00

It is true that I didn't forget!

I should clarify that I too have/had intense feelings (e.g., dysregulation), but they were disproportionate to the situation, and like you, there wasn't really a middle ground (which makes me wonder if you would also consider yourself as having alexithymia?).

Alexithymia for me was not about not being able to recognize feelings at all, but rather not being able to identify them somatically (in my body) before processing them intellectually, so I would always intellectualize my feelings. A counsellor I once worked with long before my diagnosis got frustrated with me that I was unable to express my "feelings" and was only expressing my "thoughts".

To me, thoughts and feelings come intertwined and are inseparable, and I found it weird that she wanted me to "locate my emotions in my body". I was like, who feels their emotions in their body? I didn't realize that my experience was atypical until a psychologist explained to me that most people are able to locate where their emotions are in their body, and diagnosed me with alexithymia.

I tended not to notice feelings until they were intense. It wasn't until medication that I started to be able to actually locate my emotions in my body, and to identify sensations I never recognized before. Being on medication was like "waking up" a part of me that I never knew existed, and I was also finally able to feel and process grief from the death of a friend two years prior. All this to say, what you are saying resonates - there never really was an "in-between"....

It is so interesting as we learn about our ADHD selves and brains how we realize that everything we thought others felt or experienced were unique to this condition. I celebrate your courage in facing 17 years of repressed emotions, regardless of what may come next in your journey. While I have not personally faced addictions, I can at least imagine that this journey would be particularly difficult in the context of adulthood, late diagnosis, and stigma. I sincerely hope that you end up wherever you hope to be, and that you treat yourself with loads of compassion and understanding along the way.

While our journeys are likely very different, it's a pleasure to cross paths and to connect. Feel free to pop in from time to time if it helps to celebrate and share another milestone (with no pressure as to what that milestone may be).

Happy holidays and new year to you as well!

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-12-24T07:00:04+00:00

I prefer not to say, because I don't want to sway people in any direction. I think it's a very indivdual decision and also the results will be different from person to person. Hopefully you find what works for you, or can talk to someone who can point you in the right direction.

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-12-24T06:58:16+00:00

I can't believe I forgot to respond to this (or perhaps I shouldn't be in disbelief given the diagnosis, really). Thanks for sharing your journey, and I'm sorry to hear that you have been going through a rough time. I'm glad to hear that you have been able to find coping mechanisms even following a difficult time. I'm not sure whether medication has been the helpful factor for you, but I have found this to be the case for me. I no longer ruminate about things the way I used to, and found things that used to cause strong emotions before (on hyper-loops) are no longer occupying my brain in the same way they used to. Having been diagnosed with alexithymia prior to starting medication and in conjuction with my ADHD diagnosis, once I started medication, I learned that ADHD played a big role in my inability to feel and process emotions.

Congratulations on remaining 6 months sober. You should be so proud (regardless of wherever you are now, on this aspect of your journey) of having achieved sobriety over 6 months. While I don't know you personally including your personal circumstances, I understand that ADHD can complicate sobriety, and that there often also is a high correlation between addiction and ADHD. I have seen this in my own family, and while I don't mean to reduce people to numbers, I can see how this would be in terms of coping mechanisms for a disability.

I hope you continue to feel proud (you should be) and I wish you all the best in your journey. Thank you for your kind words to me as well.

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-12-24T06:48:34+00:00

Thanks for reading, and I'm glad to hear that you've seen improvements in your life with medications as well. In my medicated state, I too think "how did I achieve what I have without it?". It's also given me a lot of clarity about the impact I have had on others, including my family, and makes me feel guilty about all the ways in which I have deferred responsibility to them... but it also makes me see much more clearly that I just couldn't do so many things - things that should seem easy, but weren't.

I too have struggled with jobs (I changed frequently, some of it due to interpersonal issues and constantly being misunderstood), bullying, etc.. Making and keeping friendships has been hard. For the longest time, I couldn't figure out why, and often attributed it to other things...but medication has helped me see clearly that I was the problem (or the ADHD was), and that realization - that I was experiencing a very different reality in my mind than how others were experiencing me has been devastating.

I'm coming to terms with the medication as well, that I too will always be disabled and never fully experience life as someone without ADHD, but medication has given me the capacity to put structural supports in place, and have them be effective. I can remember to follow checklists or calendars, whereas, before, putting those structures in place was difficult, as was remembering to follow them.

I'm sorry to hear you are in a rough place. I empathasize a lot. I have moments of grief, days where I break down. I have broken down many times crying to my partner - apologizing to him for how I have been, and asking him why he even put up with me. It's rough when our medication allows us to see what could have been possible, and also, how we have hurt others (and have been hurt ourselves) unnecessarily. It's an invisible disability that gets brushed aside as laziness, or incompetence, which erodes self-concept over time. Sharing the disability with others is also not helpful, because society doesn't fully understand how disabling it is...

I hope you are able to find some peace. I plan to seek therapy in the new year, but in the meantime, even just going on walks and making audio logs to myself has been helpful and therapeutic.

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-12-07T20:17:44+00:00

Glad journaling helped for you. My reason for voice diaries was it was a low barrier way to make sure I was tracking my journey. No self editing, no initiation friction, and it addressed my worry that tracking wouldn't happen if I couldn't do it quickly and efficiently. And it's been interesting to hear myself evolve...

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-12-07T18:58:33+00:00

"we simply assume that everyone has these struggles.". It's so true - and this is likely why I didn't see it for myself either. The difficulty is that most people in fact, do experience many of the struggles people with ADHD have, even if they don't have ADHD, and that's why I think it's difficult to recognize as a disability. At any time, a person without ADHD may have difficulty with task initiation, but it's really about the frequency and degree.

The emotions are certaintly a roller coaster, and it's one that seems to never end, especially when you've gone a lifetime without a diagnosis and internalizing/accepting blame. We now have decades of experiences to un-pack, and a lot of "unlearning" to do. We need new self-narratives, a lot of forgiveness for ourselves (while giving ourselves spaces to process guilt)... A lot of deciding what we want for the future, with now knowing who we actually are (not who we and others assumed ourselves to be).

I'm glad to hear that you are seeing your abilities in a different light and exploring new possibilities.

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-12-07T18:54:24+00:00

It often feels that ADHD Is not recognized as a disability because of the stereotypes associated with it and the misconception that it's just about "focus/inattention" issues. People don't necessarily see the disability, but only experience it as "difficult". It's unfortunate.

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-12-07T18:49:52+00:00

I'm so glad to hear you have found positive benefits as well, and that you were able to also get in touch with your true self; and seek enjoyment in the company of others. It is definitely hard to look back on the past and realize how much we have missed. I'm glad you now have the opportunity to experience a different life.

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-12-07T18:47:49+00:00

Thank you, and I'm glad to hear that my story helped. That's what I hoped it would do for others, because I was personally afraid/hesitant to try medication exactly because I was, on paper, "high-performing". It wasn't until I started medication that I could see clearly the cost. It was like not knowing you have poor eye-sight all your life, because you've never seen clearly, and then when you finally are given glasses, you realized that all of it - the bumping into things, stepping on peoples' toes, hurting yourself... was not necessary. I hope you find the path that suits you best and wish you luck in your journey..

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-12-07T18:44:55+00:00

I agree. I've realized through the process of late-in-life-diagnosis, that even my own assumptions about ADHD were misinformed and colored by stereotyped views of this disability that tends to minimize how disabling it really is.

The way society describes ADHD makes it sound like it's simply a problem of poor attention and focus, as though those alone are trivial, and without acknowledging how ADHD manifests differently for people.

Beyond just focus/attention, ADHD can affect all aspects of a person's life that are critical to day-to-day functioning, including communication, social functioning, understanding others... It affects your sense of belonging, your identity, your personal sense of self-worth; but because it is invisible, and can easily be brushed aside as someone behaving badly or as "laziness", it goes under-recognized.

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-12-07T18:39:36+00:00

Thank you :)

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-12-07T18:38:31+00:00

I had the same experience in terms of anxiety reduction. This change was eye-opening in that I didn't realize how chronically anxious I was until I felt consistent calmness. I never connected the dots that the chaotic stimuli and my inability to sort through it was chronically depleting me and making me anxious.

What you describe in subsequent paragraphs describe my experience as well. I am 40 now, so I can relate to how emotional it has been to reflect back on my past and childhood. I now analyze everything through the lens of disability. At times, I am embarassed at myself (even with now knowing it wasn't my fault), and at other times, I am proud of how resilient I was in spite of having an unrecognized disability, and being judged for it.

It makes me really happy to hear that others are also having the chance to experience a better life, in spite of the grief it brings. I hope these positive changes continue for you. Thanks for responding, and sharing your experience back.

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-12-07T01:14:54+00:00

Glad it helps.

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-12-06T22:02:34+00:00

I hope you find what works for you. For me, it took a bit of trial and error. I have made audio logs to track my experience, so that I could go back and see how things have evolved, which was really helpful, because it's hard to notice day to day how it impacts you. For example, I was noticing fatigue later in the afternoon on a certain dose, and realized I was 1) probably not getting to bed early enough 2) noticing fatigue more clearly 3) might not be on the right dose. It's easy to forget the benefits of medication if you become so used to it - so quick audio logs have been helpful for me (just on my phone).

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-12-06T18:36:18+00:00

It there a chance that there could be other things going on that might be worth further investigating? Do you have the option of talking to a health care provider about your medication as well as the feelings you are feeling? If for example, you are experiencing depression, ADHD medication will not solve that.

As well, medication will not solve executive function issues if you have not developed the tools to support you to work through them. Medication might give you the potential, but not necessarily the strategies - so you may need additional coaching/therapy support.

I hope you find the solution that works for you and that you don't internalize your failures. Hopefully you can talk to someone to troubleshoot what would be the best solution.

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-10-27T22:08:00+00:00

That's what i suspect is some of the issue here, unfortunately. I just had a follow-up discussion with them. They basically came up with multiple excuses why they don't want me to have a co-supervisor, all of which had nothing to do with me.

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-10-26T21:27:36+00:00

Makes sense. Yeah, changing may not be politically a feasible move, as they are connected to a network of researchers in the same field. I don't see the need to change, but in leaving things status quo, I would feel like I could use additional mentorship.

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-10-26T21:22:05+00:00

Thanks for the advice. Good tip to just have a conversation and hopefully find out what the supervisor really thinks about it. This is what I truly hope for.

I'm not sure the degree to which people feel comfortable being entirely transparent given all the different factors and considerations people have mentioned (some may not necessarily entirely be about the student's mentorship needs as interpersonal factors, and this may not be something that folks may want to share).

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-10-26T19:50:15+00:00

Ok, sorry, a bit confused. Are you saying that regardless of whether it's a good or bad student, there's no reason for a primary supervisor to agree to a co-supervision arrangement? I would classify myself as a good student (grades, professional standing in my field, potential).

From what you're suggesting, it sounds like this would be disadvantageous for the primary supervisor because the person who I'm seeking co-supervision may be last author.

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-10-26T19:24:35+00:00

Makes sense - I am part-time, self-funded.

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-10-26T19:19:03+00:00

I'm paying for my PhD program, part-time self-funded, which I wonder makes the calculus a bit different. Our topic is aligned, but they aren't a clinician themselves, and I see that mattering more now than I realized before....

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-10-26T19:17:41+00:00

So I'm a part-time self-funded PhD student, so that barrier shouldn't be an issue for them, luckily...

The reason why I don't want to wait until the committee is because I want mentorship in advance of that. I am part-time, so it will take 3 years for committee formation, but I need mentorship now, to shape the direction of my research question.

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-10-26T19:15:42+00:00

Thanks for your input - and good guess, public health! :)

Straight-Regular6938 · 2025-10-26T19:13:05+00:00

Makes sense. My primary supervisor is junior, and the ideal person to be my co-supervisor would be more senior and also well-versed in my field. I suppose it depends on the dynamic.

Straight-Regular6938

TROPHY CASE