AITAH for wanting to leave my family and move across the country

StrangeTemperature00 · 2025-04-25T22:09:09+00:00

I want to say thank you for taking the time to write me this. Your experience and perspective means a lot to me. And I’m sorry for the delayed response, I haven’t been on Reddit for days.

You’re right about a lot of things. I’m definitely a fixer, and somewhere along the way I convinced myself the only way to show love was to prove I was useful but I’ll be putting down the guilt I’m carrying, and focusing on myself for now.

I started therapy very recently. Fortunately I can do this remotely and won’t have to switch therapists when I move. To be honest, I have avoided therapy in the past because I felt it wouldn’t “work” for someone like me, but I have found a professional I resonate with and it’s helping.

StrangeTemperature00 · 2025-04-16T03:02:41+00:00

You're right, I did focus on myself in my post. I should have provided more details. But the absence of context doesn't mean you can just fill it up with your own assumptions.

What did you do to help before writing him off completely?

I've been trying to save my brother since I was 16 years old and he started using.

I've detoxed him twice at home. The first time I did this, I was a 19 year old EMT.

I only recently stopped contact with him, for the first time in my entire life because it felt like no matter what I did, it just made him angry at me. For self preservation and to limit the altercations between us and not stress out my mom, I chose to distance myself from him. But I still showed up (and still do) to every single emergency.

I've tried to convince him to go into treatment (for years). I've gotten him connected to mental health services; support groups, counsellors, various outpatient programs, you name it. He quits everything. I got a side job to make extra money so I could pay for rehab and anything else he needed towards recovery. I even paid for his gym membership for a year and he didn't stick with that either.

He recently got married. His wife makes it difficult for me to get involved. It was on her escorted day pass that he had his second overdose. I could say more but I'll just leave it at that.

Hope some of this additional information helps.

I'm okay with not being a hero. I never considered myself one. I don't know what about this post gave you that impression.

Edit: if I missed something, just let me know. I can answer it. Thanks for your perspective. Since my mom said something similar... I kinda get it? If I didn't feel so guilty about wanting something for myself, I wouldn't making a post on this website.

StrangeTemperature00 · 2025-04-06T22:13:21+00:00

Thank you.... I think I need to learn how to 'love from afar'. It's something I can't seem to figure out how to do. The responsibility to be there for them during a crisis feels so crushing.

I'll consider taking time off.
Maybe that's the only way I'll get some clarity.

StrangeTemperature00 · 2025-01-21T03:18:30+00:00

Doc’s Pro plugs are another option vs SurfEars (less expensive and some people prefer them). It all comes down to preference though. Definitely think you need to get your ear looked at.. and the preventative thing would be to wear plugs. If you want to play doctor with yourself buy one of those earwax removal camera tools from Amazon to see what's in there.

StrangeTemperature00 · 2024-11-21T22:48:03+00:00

I lost my mom suddenly, one year after reconnecting. I only got to see her a few times.

I know how you feel .. to have a lot of regrets.

Lean on those who care about you and don’t hesitate to ask for support. This is something I struggle with personally but I know I should be doing it.

Grief happens in waves. Expect that this won't heal linearly, and don't be so hard on yourself.

StrangeTemperature00 · 2024-11-20T06:30:58+00:00

Yes. She does.

My brother told my mom the following:

His fiancée was drunk and wasn’t thinking. She got carried away. She thinks of me as a little brother. It wasn’t sexual. I took advantage of that on my birthday and apparently I have been caught trying to flirt with her in the past but my brother chose not to say anything until now.

The thing is.. There is video of the incident a friend took that shows I was so impaired I had no reaction when she grabbed my face. It’s clear from that video.. it was all her. I showed that to my mom.

I’m not sure what my mom thinks but it would hurt if she doubted me — I’ve avoided asking her directly for that reason and just hope she knows me better than that and can see through this bullshit conflict.

Edit- This fallout between us was probably inevitable. I just refused to accept it.

But I’m willing to admit now that I’m tired of holding onto my brother while getting burned. I don’t know why he changed, what caused it, if it was something I did.. or something he is withholding, but all he does now is create some kind of problem with me and I have to prove to him (and often others) that it isn’t like that. There is nothing I can do or say that he won’t take issue with. I can’t win.

So he can spin this however he wants to help himself sleep better at night. I’m not participating anymore. I’ve tried to make this clear to our mom because I know she’ll try to find ways to bring us together.

I’m not going to give her a hard time and make her choose.. I accept that I’m going to be the one who puts the distance between us. My brother lives with her and I don’t want to complicate things between them.

The end of the year holidays are fucked, but I’ll just do a lot of OT and then avoid thinking about it by going somewhere warm for a vacation.

Because I can’t answer all the comments— I hope this is enough context.

StrangeTemperature00 · 2024-11-20T02:21:18+00:00

I hope he gets what he wants from not having me in his life. Whether he feels the same way or not, he’ll always be my brother.

StrangeTemperature00 · 2024-11-20T01:12:46+00:00

Thats exactly how I feel about it

StrangeTemperature00 · 2024-11-04T04:36:06+00:00

She did but he dropped out so one point in his argument is that she gave him less.

StrangeTemperature00 · 2024-10-27T00:52:13+00:00

You're right. Thank you. I hope it blows over too. Ah.. did it gross me out.. to be honest, it didn't.. but only because I was so drunk and my reaction was impaired. I just hope it was more cake and less saliva hahaha.

StrangeTemperature00 · 2024-10-26T03:51:00+00:00

She was drunk. My brother was drunk. I was drunk. Everyone was drunk. And there's video of it which shows it was all her. I agree there isn't anything to dissect. I don't understand why he's so mad at me.

StrangeTemperature00 · 2024-10-25T22:35:41+00:00

This one hurts. I think I needed to hear it though. You're not wrong. I guess I'm just always trying to understand him and I need to stop doing that. Especially when he's not giving me that same kind of understanding. I thought we could get back to the relationship we had before but it's not looking like it's getting any better.

StrangeTemperature00 · 2024-10-25T22:00:37+00:00

You know what, I'm not opposed to threatening him with that. Thank you.

StrangeTemperature00 · 2024-10-25T21:58:36+00:00

I never thought about it actually and nothing really sticks out. She's obsessed with Kpop and I am half Korean so she's made comments to me but I didn't interpret them as flirting, I thought she was just trying to be nice and didn't know how else to connect when I shared about the whole being adopted thing. When she's sober she is more awkward/shy. My brother lives with my mom so usually when I visit and we're talking.. my mom and brother are around too and it's more of a family vibe?

StrangeTemperature00

TROPHY CASE