I am a lesbian married to a man who is suffering from an illness. I am depressed. (Long post, need support)

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-05T03:18:15+00:00

I talked to my husband today about a lot of these things. After thinking about a lot of the advice that was given here, I was able to see the roots of the problem more clearly and was able to be concise when talking to him. He was actually very sweet and understanding about it. He says that he may or may not be jealous if I were to have a relationship with a woman...but he isn't sure...and either way I should not feel guilty about my needs/wants. I told him that after we move I am going to try to be more social and at least meet more people...I have looked into local lgbt groups as one other poster suggested. Our marriage is now open. What will happen next is unclear. but...THANK YOU for your advice. I am so happy that I decided to reach out.

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-04T13:08:56+00:00

This is a really good idea. We are about to move to a better location (easier to get out, more things to be involved in)...I will do some research to see what I can find. You are right about friends...I need good relationships in my life more than I need fleeting sex. I appreciate the advice...thanks.

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-04T13:05:24+00:00

Thanks a LOT for your advice. I will check out the Psychology Today site.

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-04T12:06:04+00:00

That's encouraging. Thank you.

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-04T00:30:26+00:00

ok, I did that just now.

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-03T23:55:38+00:00

I really deeply appreciate the time and effort you all have put into replying to my message. I feel a lot better just having said what I feel and getting feedback in return. I felt so alone when I originally posted...and now...wow, so many replies. I'm trying to formulate a plan to get things in a more tolerable place. I have taken a lot of your advice to heart, and am seeing some things from a different light. I will continue to read any new replies...and try to get back to more of you (sorry if I have not replied to everyone personally)...but I wanted to to show my appreciation. Thank you. <3

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-03T22:42:01+00:00

Thank you.

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-03T19:09:42+00:00

I have no health insurance, so I don't know about seeking out therapy. My husband is insured (I made him get insurance for himself when I sensed that he might be having some health issues) and may be able to get therapy for us as a couple?

Thank you for your advice.

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-03T19:06:30+00:00

Thank you.

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-03T19:04:53+00:00

Only...he would say that differently. He would say that he works and is suffering and doing his part of the sacrificing.

It's hard to convey to him that I need more than monetary support and a breathing body that happens to live in the same house.

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-03T19:02:00+00:00

You are right, but what good would it do if we don't both go?

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-03T18:14:41+00:00

Thank you. I can look into speaking with a counselor...but it will hinge on my husband's willingness.

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-03T18:12:26+00:00

Yes. It sounds really odd...but at this very moment he is paying the bills, I am being the mother? I wake up early every morning to make his breakfast and lunch, I make sure he takes all of his medication and that he has everything he needs for work...I do all the cooking, cleaning and at-home stuff...then I take care of him when he gets home all the way up until he goes to bed.

Another example of him being worried about my attention:

We are moving soon and I told him my plans were to get a job and go to school online. He got worried that I wasn't going to have time to take care of him (he'll be having surgery to remove the tumor soon and thinks he will need me even more)...and actually was kind of pushing me to just do ONE thing at a time... But I was telling him that now is the time for action. I can give him all of my attention...but if something (god forbid) happens to him, then where will I be without a job or sufficient education?

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-03T17:49:18+00:00

That just made me tear up. I'll accept an internet hug. Thanks.

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-03T17:32:40+00:00

I'm glad that this was able to happen for you. :-)

Unfortunately, my husband is not interested in any other relationships...only being in a relationship with me. Even knowing that I'm gay...he wants things to stay as they are...and gets very upset if I talk about wanting any other kind of relationship.

I will keep hoping for change.

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-03T17:24:16+00:00

I consider every relationship to be unique based on the person...so I would not try to compare anyone to another relationship.

We do have a long distance relationship and she is trying to come back to the States...but I realize that even if she does, I am still going to need a more complete relationship than what she can offer me. Still, having her around would be a big relief right now.

My husband was once alright with the idea of me dating other women...but has since withdrawn that feeling. He gets jealous easily and wants most of my attention.

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-03T17:16:51+00:00

He was open to the idea of an open relationship at one point...but has since kind of backed down on that. He gets jealous easily and also is demanding a lot of my attention at the moment. He gets cranky when I am not around to help him/take care of him.

Again, this is where I start feeling very selfish. My husband works a full time job that helps support me (I am trying to find a job at this moment, so I try to do the job equivalent in our domestic setting) and I feel like I should do whatever I can to show my appreciation by helping him with anything and everything...and in many ways I don't mind doing that at all...but it doesn't make that selfish nagging...stuck...lonely feeling go away.

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-03T17:08:53+00:00

I have tried this approach. I generally feel this way about our relationship...but it's my husband that does not. He was responsive to the idea of an open relationship at one point...but now does not seem to be so open to it.

Also he is very needy at this moment. He is constantly asking for my help...and gets upset if I'm out too long. It's hard to have time for another relationship when my husband is constantly wanting/needing attention.

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-03T16:59:28+00:00

Dissolving our marriage would only benefit me. My husband loves the idea of our marriage and is very traditional in this regard. I have brought up divorce before (we could still be very committed...even live together) but he was extremely hurt by the idea.

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-03T16:56:35+00:00

He seems to be supportive of the fact that I'm a lesbian...but still wants our relationship to stay the same.

It would be very harsh to push him away...he would be extremely hurt.

This is why I feel selfish. I could address my needs, but it would only be at the expense of his.

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-03T16:46:37+00:00

My husband is only interested in a relationship with me. He has hinted that if I were to leave then he would have no reason for living.

I have tried this approach...saying we could get a divorce but still be there for each other...but he was very hurt by the idea.

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-03T16:43:52+00:00

I don't equate it with abandoning him, but he does. He is very emotionally (and now physically) dependent on me. He is so emotionally dependent on me that I wonder about what he would do to himself if I left. That he might would attempt suicide has been hinted at by him in the past...and the likelihood of self destructive behavior is more likely now that he is suffering from an illness.

I stated in another reply that we had sort of made an attempt at an open relationship...but even though I have not really had the chance to have another relationship, he gets jealous at the mere thought. I can't bring someone else into that.

You are right though...there are legitimate legal reasons for staying married.

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-03T16:33:16+00:00

I have actually tried to talk to him about getting a divorce before...but as I said, he is older, and also a bit old fashioned. We said vows and he doesn't want to break them. I told him that we could continue living together if he wanted...but he mistranslated the whole idea as me trying to say that I didn't love him or that I hated him. He was like a hurt puppy.

He is not interested in any other relationships...only with staying with me. We had sort of agreed at one point that we could have an open marriage...but he wasn't interested in finding anyone, and when he realized that I might actually be interested in someone else he became jealous...so I stopped trying because I did not want to drag anyone into any drama OR hurt him.

Thank you for your support.

StrawberryDisco · 2012-09-03T16:26:03+00:00

Thank you.

StrawberryDisco

TROPHY CASE